Kids staying with dad?

hey you sound alot like my ex she walked out and left our girls 15,8 and took our 4 month old son. could be 2 reasons she took him she thought the om was the daddy but her mother has a sick attachment to him too. either way I was told she was leaving the girls with me and taking him to start a new life and I would have nothing to do with raising him. well she got custidy of him but her mother is the one raising him so basicly she is free to do as she please no cooking,cleaning,homework,sports.She don't even have a home of her own after 2 years single. I just bought us a new home and I'm mom and dad. My girls come first and I can't wait for the day my son says hey I want to live with my DADDY AN SISTERS not my granny. So go sow your oats but remember the grass ain't always greener on the other side

Dena, it's Trisha. I take it you consulted an atty on your own and got the advice we advised you to get. Are you going to be able to stand firm on the counseling? You've set a course on that and need to hold firm if you can. You have the wisdom to know you both need help.

Why is he so livid. Whose idea was it for you to let him keep the kids on a temp. basis? Was that a joint decision or was it totally his?

It's good you two were able to talk. Maybe some distance will give you both the breathing space to talk instead of fighting. That's not good for the children to listen to their parents argue that much.

I worry about you. You are so young to have to deal with so much. You take care please

ok so i left AND i took the kids. I dont want to lose rights to them. He is NOT happy. I understand....but what can I do. We are getting better but i only left on the 22nd so I know that it is going to take time for him to get over all of this as well as me. i am still trying to get him to do the marriage counseling thing. I told him that if he does not agree in 2 weeks then I am filing for divorce because I feel he is just playing with my emotions and I cant do that anymore. This is absolutely killing me to be without him. Some one tell me I did the right thing in leaving WITH the boys. He is LIVID.

When I left my ex, I had no job and was going to school.  I had quit my job the same say I left him because I worked for his mother.  He does have custody and I see them on a regular basis.  Now, granted, my kids are a lot older- 16 (almost), 12 and 10.  I talk to them on the phone often and they just live 15 minutes away.  We've just recently gotten the final papers done.  Do I regret not living with my children?  Sure.  But, I do know that having to work over 30 hours a week and taking 15 hours a semester at school is not condusive to being able to be a good mom.  My ex is a good dad, he's just a terrible husband for me.

I didnt mean to offend damn. It is not you I am talking about. I was referring to some woman that I know personally. Don't take everything like I am talking about you in particular. I have young women in my life I know personally who made terrible decisions about their families that only ended in misery. I am not trying to call anyone out. Damn. And I do include myself in this generation.

hold the hell up for a sec -

It makes me sad to know that so many young women have ruined our generation in the older generation's eyes.

Physician, heal thyself. Don't forget to include yerself in that lil generalization, missy.

And I didn't risk my kids' safety or well-being by venturing out there with nothing to my name--If you have a will to get done what needs to be done, then nothing stands in your way except you. If I were in your situation (I'm not, so I'm just speculating here) I would do whatever it took to be around the kids and in their lives. 2 jobs, even. And when I was going through tough times, I checked into federal assistance. There are all kinds of programs out there for single mothers--WIC, food stamps/EBT, low-income housing, section 8, child-care assistance for students and working mothers...the list goes on. There are other alternatives. Just keep that in mind, and best of luck. ok, I'm really done now.

I wasn't trying to hurt your feelings; I was just saying to be careful and wary when leaving. You don't want to lose your rights to the kids. The fact that moms usually get custody stems from the fact that it's usually the dad that moves out and leaves the kids with mom. That's what happened to me; my mom left and didn't fight custody. There was joint custody, (we lived with my dad) but I only saw my mom every other weekend. I think that's why moms usually get custody. So, again, do what your feel is best for those kids, but be careful about it. Definitely talk to a lawyer first. Good luck

No  one is mad at you. I'm just wondering why you were on here at all if your mind was already made up. Your last comment about making any one mad and the "oh well" shows a lack of maturity and callousness for the advice we thought you needed.
In hind sight I think you are probably making a very wise decision. Being a policewoman is not the safest or best paying career. The hours are not always the best. I'm just wondering how long it took you to convince your husband to agree to this.
Instead of an atty. you need an appt. with a child physcologist to find out how the results of your decision will affect your children.

You are half right. I do indeed want him to see how it feels to take care of the kids 100% of the time but it has nothing to do with wanting to party and all of that. I have had my time to party. I was not a very sheltered child. I have gotten that out of my system for a while now and I WANTED to get married and have kids. If I wanted to do all that I would not have gotten married and had kids. I understand you asking but I really wish people would lay off that. I am not like a lot of people in that area. I enjoyed staying home and watching Disney movies and playing with legos and such. Nothing is more rewarding to me then when my 3 year old learns a new word or when he said his ABC's for the first time. I love to hear my 1 year old say HI to me when he wakes in the morning. It makes me sad to know that so many young women have ruined our generation in the older generation's eyes. I honestly feel that he would take better care of them.

Ok. I'm going to lay something on the line here and I'm going to guess I will probably not get an honest answer.

I'm going to say you think you married too young, that you are missing out, that you find your kids, although you love them, a burden and you want to be free to be able to live a fun life, all the things you missed - that you want to be able to "party" if you feel like it. You feel trapped because he works and you stay home & you want him to see how it feels to be 100% responsible for the kids....BUT you also still want to retain your rights for when you are done sowing the oats you never got to, and you decide if you want to stay married or be single...and right now, you just want somone to justify what you want without vilifying you for it because in all reality - it's more selfish than anything.

Am I about right?

fact of the matter is, is it your choice to make - and if you want him to take the kids, so be it...but don't think for one second "play dates" make up for time with mom.

I have an appointment with an attorney on Monday at 12:30 pm to discuss a separation agreement. I would not leave without one because I do NOT want to be accused of abandonment. It will be detailed about the circumstances. I want joint custody and my husband and I have already discussed it. We rent the house we are in and the payments are too much for me even if I had a job. I have not worked in 4 years. We have also discussed him moving in with his mother and me staying in the house but I don't see that working because they are not on the greatest of terms. I completely understand that they are used to me being home everyday with them but they get along wonderfully with Grandma and NEVER want to come one...lol. I feel that they will be sooo busy with playdates and activities that they will not miss me too much because they are so young. Oh and I am 22 years old by the way. I am also going to be pursuing the career I have wanted for a long time which is being a police officer (If this goes south). My husband is a truly wonderful man and he supports me in everything I do even though we are going through this tough time. He urges me to pursue this dream that I have had since I was in middle school. I do wish that I could have been more prepared for this turn of events but really....who is when it seems things are going at least OK. I wish I had a job and money because I really do want to take the kids with me but I know for a fact they will be safe and happy with their dad. They lovehim so very much and I know they love me too but....he can take better care of them right now. I am sorry if I made anyone mad with my decision but oh well. I know they will be safe.

Ok, I have a few questions -

how long have you been unemployed? Did you really work at all during the marriage?

See, here's my problem with the whole you leaving logic - although I commend you for thinking about the kids - I'm not sure you are thinking about the impact it will have on them if they are used to YOU being the one there for them all the time, and then suddenly, you aren't.

Since he has a good paying job and can support himself, the other option is that you stay in the marital home with the children, and he moves out, and in lieu of the alimony he would have to pay for now (as you are unemployed and a stay at home mother right now) he continues to support the home and the bills - while you two figure out what you're going to do about the marriage. It would be less traumatic on the children AND also your right to request.

It also doesn't set you up for losing he children permanently, as you moving to your mothers and not going after the support you deserve from the get go could - as you are going to seem highly unstable to the court.

I also don't want you to jeapordize any financial claim you have on the marital home.

You can go the route of leaving the kids with him if you want - but I emplore you to go talk to a few attorneys in your area for free consults and if you do choose this route - your separation MUST be done throught the courts and be HIGHLY detailed to ensure your rights.

Definately check on the legal aspects before proceeding with anything!!!

Also, I think this sentence you wrote is what got me the most and why I keep thinking that you are one good mom and woman...speaks volumes in just a few words...

"I want to be with my kids as much as possible as well but right now I don't want to risk their safety and well being because I am selfish."

Honestly, I think this was probably the most rational and thought-through decision, so I commend you for being so mature in your thinking and trying to take some of the actual emotional aspects out of it.

That might sound sarcastic, but I sincerely mean that - for being the age you are (give or take since you are somewhere between 20 and 29), your thoughts on actually trying to put your children 1st and what is best for them is good.

I can see exactly why you are saying what you are saying regarding allowing him to have temporary custody and think it is a fairly good idea as long as all 'agreements' to this are documented. I would hate for you to think you are doing the right thing and he agrees to it, only to not have it in writing and he backs out of his side of the agreement.

Have you thought about joint custody? Are you assuming that one one parent will get full custody and the other parent will simply get visitation (ie, every other weekend or something to that effect)?

I guess the reason I'm asking that is because you can have 50% of the time with your kids and then the kids get the other 50% with their father and then you aren't 'giving them up' and still in their lives as much as possible. You would not have the children ALL of the time, but 1/2 the time and can still probably do that while getting back on your feet.

Just a thought that I'm not sure if you thought about...

I also commend you on thinking ahead 'in case' this ends in divorce...and I truly hope that it doesn't...but to be able to speak to your spouse and have some sort of plan in mind before the worst happens is, again, very mature, IMHO.

You are not a horrible mom for having these thoughts - I remember my mom going through the same thing, though she didn't want to have the house when they divorced because she couldn't afford it...dad didn't want it either & didn't want full custody...left my mom in dire $ straits. I never thought either one was horrible because of it...

i think we need spaz (our resident lawyer) to chime in here. i think some states take issue with is....meaning, if you leave the kids to him now, they may give him custody later, during a divorce proceeding.  i'm not sure about this.  but we should check into it.

He says he is not sure if he can stay with me or not. And I do love my children more than life itself. We are not getting a divorce as of yet. We are just taking a trial separation. I hate having to leave my kids behind. I know that they need me in their life and I am NOT relinquishing my rights to my kids what so ever. I am just trying to make sure they are fed and clothed and have a roof over their heads because I don't know what is going to happen to me. We have talked to each other about this and he agrees with this. He wants nothing more than to be able to take the kids. It has NOTHING to do with me now wanting to be with my kids. I love them very much and they have been the light of my life since the day they came into this world. I want to be with my kids as much as possible as well but right now I don't want to risk their safety and well being because I am selfish. I am not as emotional as I was before and I waited until I had my head back before I made that decision. It was a decision that he and I made together. I have tried so hard to get him to go to counseling but I do not want to push too hard because I do not want to anger him. I have school to finish and I have to find a job that will except me even with my lack of job experience. I have no money. I just want to make sure my kids will be safe and that I am not doing the wrong thing, but I feel in my heart it is the right thing. I wanted to hear from people who can encourage me. Not hurt my feelings.

Oh, for the record; I separated from my ex with little more than the clothes on my back. I got my old job back and stayed with my parents for 8 months while tucking away money to get back on my feet. My 2 kids were with me every step of the way. And they reminded me daily of why I had to keep going. So don't let your current situation deter you from bouncing back. For me, my kids were the inspiration behind my Great Come-back, as I like to call it. Just had to add that in there. You still should do what you think is best for the kids.

I commend you for thinkg only of your children but you really need to think this thru some more. You have some time to spend getting yourself settled and thinking about how you want to live.

Children are very adaptable, especially the ages of your children. They are at an age where they need you most. I'm not trying to lay a guilt trip on you. Just giving you something to think about.

I read your story too. Why don't the two of you get into some counseling while you are waiting. You could learn constructive ways to disagree instead of arguing the way you two do now.

See, I'm selfish. I want to be around my kids as much as possible. The ex, not so much. He wants them around when it's convenient for him. So I could not do that. Personally, I would feel like I had abandoned them. I love my kids and can hardly stand to be away from them. We are very close-knit, and we each miss any time we are away from one another.

All I can tell you is that you should do what you think is best for them and their well-being, they're your kids, and if you think it's best for the kids if they stay with dad while you get your feet back on the ground, then that's the best thing to do. It doesn't have to make sense to the rest of the world. I have to ask--are you asking if you should relinquish custody to your stbx or is this just a temporary arrangement? Be careful with that. You may not be epuipped to have them live with you right now, but they still need you in their lives as much as possible. Good luck!

i read your story. are you actually getting a divorce?  can you tell us a little more about why.....your story only mentions some fighting and his fear that you're cheating.  is there any chance of keeping this marriage intact and seeking out counseling?

it also states that you've been a stay at home mom, i'm guessing since your kids were born.  why do you not want to be with your kids?

there's nothing wrong with having a great dad taking care of the kids....you're lucky you have that...your kids are lucky.  but it is a little out of the norm (and yes, it does happen that the dad gets custody), but you're right...usually it's the mom.

have you talked to him about this?  do you think that right now you are maybe overwhelmed with the idea of divorce, and having two little kids and not having a job and being afraid of what it will mean to be a single parent?  could that be it?