Why do unfaithful spouses then try to destroy you AFTER they leave?

One of my really good friends in Oklahoma sued the OW for sleeping with her husband. They had been really good friends and I don't remember all the details in the law suit, but it was something to the fact of her knowing that he was married or something. My girl friend actually won the law suit! Wouldn't that be nice if we could all do that? It would make people think twice before going out and screwing around!

I do believe that all of us who have been cheated on go through this. Below is a comment Spaz left on a blog I posted, very similar to this one and I think Spaz has hit the nail on the head :

"As an attorney who deals with divorces that started over infidelity -

usually, with the nastiness - guilt isn't the motivator...far from it...

it is their warped thinking that somehow it is the faithful spouse's fault they cheated and they have no right to be angry, and the nastiness comes from a true feeling that everything is not their fault - but the fault of the one who normally, didn't do anything wrong.

Basically, the depth of denial of the consequenses to their actions is astounding"

I think it all has to do with control issues, they don't want to see you happy so they try to keep controlling you even though you are divorced from them and done with that relationship.  It has to do with guilt to, they can't deal with the guilt and that's how they deal with it, by making other people miserable.  I think people who are unhappy just like to make other people unhappy too--if that makes any sense at all.  My ex was great at trying to justify his affair, but I wasn't falling for any of it, and he finally learned that and shut his mouth about it.  I just think it's all about control and you know how can they be happy with the person they cheated with, thinking hey they cheated on their spouse, so they'll probably cheat on me to.  How can you live that way for the rest of your life, I know I can't.  They get caught up in all their lies they start to believe them too!!

I was the one cheated on many times in my marriage. Yes, he has done a few hurtful things since the divorce. He has
tried to get rid of all presence of me in his life. He has a new wife.

He does project his actions back onto me. It is my fault, I didn't do things right. Sorry I didn't find his instruction manual until after I filed for divorce.

He may get rid of me on the surface but after 33 years he will never get me out of his mind. I will be in the back of his mind somewhere and be in his thoughts when he least expects it.

My wife it seemed to me was trying to destroy me before we separated and I found out she was cheating on me. Up until recent times, my wife kept up her attack on me and even used our daughter against me. I think she did all this because she was trying to justify her cheating and remove any wrong doing from it. "He did this or that to me, so who wouldn't cheat on him and look for someone else." kind of concept. If I'm the bad guy that she must be the one who is right. I also think she just had a pure hate for me for reasons I'll never know. Justification or hate, she kept up her attacks. I don't think that why even matters to me anymore. Surviving it means more.

Kitty, I think you hit the nail on the head "they turn it into hate for us, for making them feel the way they do".

My ex, can't stand to see my cry, or expose my hurt feelings in any fashion. He withdraws and pulls himself away. Hell, he practically walks away because HE CAN'T DEAL WITH IT.

Case in point, he says to me one time while we were talking, that one thing he hated when we were together was that whenever we argued, I would always get my feelings hurt. (Keep in mind that he does not argue appropriately, he doesn't realize but he models himself after his parents, cursing, yelling, etc etc. I like to keep the hurtful words out of the arguement, there is no reason to curse at me) Yet he likes being with his new gal because she can take and will give it back. WTF???? If this isn't dysfunctional I don't know what is.

My point is he has openly stated to me that he hated that I always made him feel terrible after our arguements. And because of it he hated me. His actions to date still speak the same thing. This is pathetic to say the least but I truly think they hate being made to feel the way they do. They hate having to look at us and our children and know what they did. We are a constant reminder of their failure. And no matter how happy we or they are, we still will always be there to remind them of it.

I think that they are destructive in general. They destroyed their marriage- now they want to try to make themselves feel better, look for ways to justify their behavior etc. So the destruction turns to the one they were unfaithful to.
They have severe problems- and it is more to it that just being unfaithful!

It's easier for them to walk away and not look back if they can destroy what little self esteem you have left.  The guilt of what they did to their families, it does eat away at them, even if they choose not to see it.  They turn it into hate for us, for making them feel the way they do.  Then there are the financial obligations.  They don't think it's fair.  So we get another little dig or two.  When they break their marriage vows, we suddenly are to blame for their failures.  Yeah, I agree with DJP, maybe they are delusional.

My ex's family adored me, still do. When I found out he was cheating, I confided in his sisters as two of my closest friends. After I threw him out of the house and filed for the divorce, he actually tried to justify his affair by holding a family meeting with his parents and sisters to tell them that  he'd been unhappy for years because I'd been unfaithful throughout our entire 20-year marriage and he'd finally had enough.

I wanted to kill him when I found that out, but I was totally content with him making himself look like a selfish ass and a liar. I was still completely shocked. He said what?!  WTF!!??!!
 
He had no idea they already knew the truth. He didn't exactly get the reaction he expected when he they told him to shut up and quit spewing garbage about the mother of his children.

I never understood why he felt the need to try to assassinate my character when he was the one in the wrong. I was already being destroyed by what he was doing, but apparently that just wasn't enough for him.

i agree completely with departed and djpo. they cheat, they scheme, they leave and then it is all about how it is our fault. and then they use anything and anybody to better there position. where is committment? where is personal responsibility? where is shame?? count me in on the rope discount. ann

Erica, I could have written your post!  I actually read a line from it and asked my son if he thought I could have written it.  He said 'didn't you?'!!!!  I showed him that I didn't.

I'm not sure why they do it...maybe out of a sense of justifying their own actions.  They know they're in the wrong, but they have to make us look like the bad guys to make themselves look better.

"Yeah, I HAD  to leave the old lady....you don't know what I had to endure with her.. This knew chick is sooo much better"   Yeah, right!

I think the only thing we can do is the best we can....every one (including our kids) knows what our stbx's are like and what we're like.  WE don't have to justify our actions to anyone.

I'm getting the same kind of stuff from my stbx.  She cheated and the kids know it, heck they were in adjoining hotel rooms with the door between the rooms open when it happened, but she's trying to convince them that the breakdown of the marriage and her financial position is my fault.  She made $32,000 last year and got a much better paying job this year and quit for no good reason.  She hasn't been able to get a job since (or hasn't tried) and is trying to take me to the cleaners.  I don't mind paying child support, in fact I started immediately when my daughter moved out with her, but alimony I don't think so.  She has also said that if she gets any of the marital debt assigned to her that she is going to file bankruptcy and that she wants all my IRAs and half my military pension leaving her with $75,000 and me in the hole $85,000.  EXCUSE ME?  WTF  I don't know maybe they're just delusional.

Great Post!!!!!!  It is hard to understand that...  I was the one that was cheated on, I was the one that was hurt as well as I was the one that tried to forgive and forget... What happened, he turned it all on me, it was my fault that he cheated, it was all me.  The mistress got him in her bed and shares dinners and memories with him now where it was all about me it is now all about her, how can they sleep with each other at night..  Where is the guilt, where is the sympathy....  He not only left me, but then he waited for me to file and then wouldn't you know counter-sued me, how nice of him....  So, yes this is a hard pill to swallow and one day, trust me one day things will always work out and lessons are learned the hard way.....  All I ever wanted was him to say he was sorry and that he would never do it again, but instead he told her he was sorry for marrying me and not her, how about that....  I'm going to purchase some rope maybe we can get a group D360 rate,  LOL.....  This is never easy and telling someone it is, would be a lie....