he wonders why we don't have sex

Yes some serious counseling. It is sad- that some men don't take the time to find out what works for us. I know that quickies are a must sometimes- but not all the time. Men are visiually aroused and women are mentally aroused. FIRST we need to feel like we are loved and cherished-then the foreplay-if our emotional needs are met first the foreplay doesn't take long. I don't know about the rest of you but when things are good with my significant other-it takes little to get me ready- and the next day , when I think about it I am ready again.
Sex is such an important part of the relationship- it is not all about pleasing either person but it is about meeting the needs of the other person-communication what your needs are to that person. If that isn't happening and we ladies are not getting our needs met then we feel used . And we dread it the next time - eventually not wanting it at all.
Try some counseling- if he won't agree then tell him you can't do it anymore. Life is too short to be spent that way. He has been unfaithful instead of trying to work on things so and sounds like he is an ass. He probably won't agree-because he thinks it is all your fault!

I had the same problem with my husband. He thought that sex was all about pleasing him. I called it BEAT THE CLOCK...if I was going to get off... I had to do it... within a minute or two, otherwise my loss. I also tried a million times to show him how to please me...but the bottom line was that he didn't  care. I know that it is frustrating...but I started a new thing with him...you get what you give...no more and no less. I thought, that I might get me at least 3 minutes of sex, and maybe some foreplay...WRONG!!  I didn't have to give him head... near as much..... with my new rule...but I went without foreplay and it was really hard to not feel like a Hooker... that he picked up, off a corner...Men need to understand ...how important it is to make every effort to be all they can be...in BED and with your Wife. Maybe, I am  dreaming...but  a good Lover  will get me in the bed and  if he is that good...I am not getting out of that BED.
Anyways, I stayed faithful...but my husband had affairs, rather than to focus on my needs. I know that the women he had affairs with probably felt like a 2 bit whore after the fact...but oh well, not my problem anymore. You husband could be like so many.....he doesn't care and it is all about him. Thank God for Vibrators, at least we can please ourself. Good Luck!

I did do some counselling at his request since "you have problems and I don't", plus "there is nothing wrong with me, you need to find out what is wrong with you". The counselor wanted him to come in as well and he refused because of the previous reasons. Whenever I tell him what I feel or think the usual response is "that's wrong, you don't think (feel) that way".

In many ways I am in an abusive relationship, not physical, but mentally and emotionally.  A lot of it is my own doing, his first wife cheated on him so at the start I treated him like a king.  I did everything he asked, tended to his every need from bringing him dinner at work when he worked nights to doing things he asked that made me very uncomfortable to boost his sexual wants.  In that I'm meaning going out to dinner/movies/bars wearing translucent clothes (lingerie), flashing people, and taking nude pictures in public places (they were at night, but there was always a chance of someone approaching).  I tried to tell him how uneasy it made me feel - not only from the possibility of police showing up, but afraid of even going to the bathroom when we were at bars. His attitude was always "nothing is going to happen" or "no one can see anything or can do anything"

I appreciate the suggestions, please keep the coming.  Maybe someone can come up with something I haven't.

I agree with Animator here. I dated a man that didn't have much or last long but the sex was GREAT because he knew his limits. He always took the time to take care of me first and we both got to enjoy it. However, if he's not willing (perhaps too embarassed) to admit his shortcomings (pardon the pun), then he may not want to fix it. If he does, I am with Paula. Good Luck and God Bless

I agree with Animator here. I dated a man that didn't have much or last long but the sex was GREAT because he knew his limits. He always took the time to take care of me first and we both got to enjoy it. However, if he's not willing (perhaps too embarassed) to admit his shortcomings (pardon the pun), then he may not want to fix it. If he does, I am with Paula. Good Luck and God Bless

Yanno, the Kama Sutra book makes a WONDERFUL Christmas present *wink wink nudge nudge* lol Think he'd get pissy over that?

wow, really sounds like he has a bigggg problem. he seems that he could use some counseling huh. 

cherbear

On his part:  BIG BIG BIG BIG BIG BIG mistake for not attending to your needs and wants first when it comes to sex.  Woman do take some time to get arroused -- but isn't that the fun part?  The leading up to?  The hesitation?  The thrill of the hunt?  The courting?  I used to do that with my STBX all the time -- even presented her with challenges, and she would make me persue her.  It was fun and exciting and the payoff was awesome.

To bad he is self-centered and selfish, because he's missing out on a lot.  Viagra won't help that.

I'm in agreement with Paula here...if you want to try and work it out, that is, you BOTH need to go to counseling, but if he isn't willing to work with a counselor...and IMHO, narcissistic people who believe that nothing is ever their fault seldom do...then you have to decide what you want to live with.

You do have some legitimate gripes here, I'm with you on that.  It sounds like you've tried to guide him, and he gets angry...but have you tried talking to him about this before you are in bed?  Have you brought up with him your feelings about sex and what you need to make it a more enjoyable experience rather than being a sperm receptacle and pillow?  All you can do is open the door to honest and frank discussion about sex.  If he can't handle that, then that's going to be to his detriment.  He can be as angry and upset about the situation as he wants to be, but you need to let him know, in no uncertain terms, that if he's interested in sex with you, that you are not going to indulge him unless/until you have a discussion about this.  He needs to realize that this is serious and if he won't take it seriously, you need to make him take it seriously...cutting him off is a good attention getter.

But, you can only do so much...if he refuses to discuss it, then you can't force him...but you do have a decision to make about whether or not the verbal abuse being sent your way over the issue is worth staying in the marriage or going.  You can't make the marriage work by yourself...he needs to be part of the discussion and, if the marriage is to survive, you both need to give a little bit and compromise, but if neither of you are willing to do that, then I'm not sure what hope your marriage has.

I wish you luck in all this.  Keep us posted!!!

sounds like the two of you need to talk to a counselor.  both parties have to be willing to work on this if its going to work. do you think he would?