What was I worth as a stay at home mom for 22 years?

I just keep thinking how am I going to get my stbx to see what I was worth during the marriage. We have taken a hiatus from attorneys since August due to the fact that nothing was being accomplished except to pay them money. I feel as though the collaborative divorce wasn't the way to go. He continues to think I deserve only three years of maintenance for a 28 year marriage where I stayed home 22 years with kids. After all I lived off his money those years so why do I deserver more now? Of course he's walking right into his new cheating relationship - so he'll be two incomes again and for the $200000 he makes himself and I make $54000 - but hell - I deserve nothing. How have you been able to get your stbx to see that you deserve maintenance. People going to court with marriages this long are getting lifetime maintenance and he wants to give me zip. My attorney seems like a flop but we are $22000.00 into these two attorneys and I just feel that they are dragging it out, yet I need someone to fight for my rights. I just need some advice. Do we go back to the start and file an adversarial divorce or do I find the means to convince my stbx that I deserve some substantial maintenance. Of course too he's almost at the top of his field so I went with him there and supported him, and now he wants to support someone else.

by scared27years 283 Posts
Posted on 12/8/2008 5:58 PM

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Tags: cheating husband , housewife

Answers for "What was I worth as a stay at home mom for 22 years?" (9) (You must be logged in to answer)

Your STBX was providing all the financial security for the family. You bought what you felt you needed and could afford. Wasn't it worth more to you to bond with you kids? Obviously you 2 weren't doing to well to begin with or there would be no talk of divorce. You both had a role to play in your relationship and did ok. I assume the kids are adults or soon to be. Perhaps you STBX had enough gumption to stick out the marriage to raise the family BOTH of you created. Three year should be plenty of time to get you new career started and find another man to be with. It seems you were comfortable with staying at home when the kids were of school age, opting not to find employment. Cut the ties, be confident and start anew.

by electronicron 18 Posts
Posted on 7/10/2009 9:42 PM

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I was a stay-at-home mom for 17 years. As soon as I went back to work (to try to ease the financial pressure he claimed he was feeling) and picked up the health insurance, including his, he filed for divorce. You need to deal with this in the courts. Anyone who is willing to cheat on a wife and is now with another woman is not a good person to trust. You don't really know the person he has become. I still run into problems when I trust my ex. I almost wish I had not gone back to work - my salary was figured into the support and I now provide the majority of money for my four kids and myself.

by musicmom 85 Posts
Posted on 12/9/2008 11:24 PM

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You hold your ground!! It is his bully a$$holism that is coming out. You deserve it all, but make sure you get at least 50%. I fighting to hold my ground, and have paid penty to lawyers. (I am on my second one because I didn't think the first was helping me at all).
I really don't know what a collabrative divorce is.

by KLAS 162 Posts
Posted on 12/9/2008 11:11 PM

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I think you deserve a tremendous amount of credit for what you did, and that's true regardless of whether he acknowledges it or not. Also---dare I say---your salary is completely respectable and then some. There are some people on this site who fall upon much harder times than you and I have...I dunno, I'm not discrediting you in any way, but do remember to keep things in perspective, too.

by Natalie 729 Posts
Posted on 12/8/2008 9:32 PM

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Everything everyone says here is valid. Also remember that whatever the OW makes does not enter into the mix, Just his income and yours.

by angielou 1565 Posts
Posted on 12/8/2008 6:55 PM

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My stbx was a stay at home mom with an agreement that as long as the money would hold from just my job at the hospital and she want to stay home, then stay at home mom she was. Being a stay at home parent (mom or dad) is a real job and a hard one at that. I never called or said "my paycheck" or "my money" because my wife was working as hard as I was so it was always ours.

I think that not only do you deserve credit for doing a very hard job, but also a lifetime maintenance for everything. I don't know what you could do here about this, but I hope that you get what you earned for all those years. Good luck.

by CHRISTOPHER36 806 Posts
Posted on 12/8/2008 6:30 PM

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I apologise, I meant to post what I thought you were worth as a stay at home mom. In this day and age where gangs and drugs are prevelent in our children's lives every stay at home mom is invaluable. Your dedication to your children kept them off the streets and out of trouble improving the streets and the american way of life. Can you put a price on that? No!!!

by DJPO 599 Posts
Posted on 12/8/2008 6:28 PM

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I wish I could tell you different than Triash, but it sounds like the only way for you to get equitible treatment is to take it to court. Have your attorney request the courts to order mediation if you haven't already and if it doesn't work, take him to court. The courts might even see that he pays your legal fees since there is such a difference in your salaries and if your state is a fault state, you might get more taking it to court.

by DJPO 599 Posts
Posted on 12/8/2008 6:18 PM

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If he's being that stubborn and won't see that you deserve something I would throw it up and let the court decide. Ask for alimony and see what you get. And don't forget his retirement funds. The longer he drags this out the more it will cost and only the attys. will make money.

by trisha9054 4967 Posts
Posted on 12/8/2008 6:04 PM

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