How can I protect our son???

Hi... back again. I posted earlier but here's the update. We finally got to court day before thanksgiving. STBX demanded our son be brought back to marital home and that he have full custody. Judge basically said, he's been with me since I moved out and he's not removing him from the new established home. He also made STBX go with the orignal visitation plan that I suggested 2 months ago. HE WAS NOT PLEASED!!! Since then, his schedule is everday for 5 hrs in afternon and alternate weekends. Problem is... he's back to his habit of not feeding our son while in his care and if he does it's just pieces of chicken breast cut up on a plate. Nothing else, just chicken. Also, he's removed the furniture from our son's room and replaced it with dingy mattresses sitting on the floor ( a queen size with a full sized dirty mattress on top) as his new "big boy bed". By mutual agreement, he told me that I could come back to the house to get my things left behind and the baby's room furniture since it's now dismantled and in the garage. I went there yesterday and he renigged on me! I arrived and not only found MY things sitting out in the driveway but also our son's toys thrown into garbage bags. The son he claims to care so much about but he has no care for what he's doing to him right now. His only claim to why he would not let me get our son's bed is that "somebody needs to punish you if the courts and judge wont". Can't he see that he's not punishing me?? He's hurting his son with his weak attempts at vendictiveness. He's back to the brainwashing of our son as well. Everynight when I pick him up it's the same thing "daddy says I should only have one house." Daddy says we have to stay here, etc etc... He's only 4. He shouldnt have to go thru this from his father who claims to love him. Is there any thing that can be done since he still insists on trying to alienate our son from me and "buy his affection"? Every day our son has a new toy so our course now he wants to be with daddy since he has no rules there, no discipline there and gets whatever new toy he sees and asks for. I truly think my STBX has snapped. Will a guardian Ad Litem help in this case or what?? What can be done to protect this little boy from his father's poisonous rants now that a temp visitation order is already in place?

by EVE31 44 Posts
Posted on 12/7/2008 10:07 PM

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Tags: custody , guardian ad litem , visitation , unstable stbx
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Answers for "How can I protect our son???" (6) (You must be logged in to answer)

I'll do that. Thanks Spaz... you're a great light in a very dark tunnel right now. I appreciate all you've said and will definitely look into some of those other counceling options for my baby. If I dont hear from you before hand, have happy holidays!

by EVE31 44 Posts
Posted on 12/8/2008 10:36 PM

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I know - I feel for you, I really do.

well first off, stop calling your attorney at every instance. Start journaling everything (if you haven't already) it should be in a spiral notebook, hand written and each entry date & time noted. Contempt actions are better the more ammo you have - and your attorney, or your ex's for that matter - are powerless to stop him. You just have to build your case.

Call the attorney one last time, tell him you are journaling, and if you can do a payment plan on the last 3K - then go after your ex once it is paid. Plead your case - attorneys do work with their clients on money issues as long as they communicate.

Isn't your ex ordered to pay the insurance? If so, then that needs to go into court immediately. He can't let his child's insurance lapse, judges are all over parents who do things like that.

In the meantime, contact your local hospital & get a child psychologist referral list. Start calling, see if you can negotiate a sliding scale - eat ramen noodles for lunch and dinner if you have to - this is too important. This is something you start selling stuff for to get done.

You could try contacting a psychologist through your insurance, meet with them yourself for now to discuss what you should and shouldn't do in your "deprogramming" they may offer to see your son, under your insurance considering the situation....you never know until you try.

That or apply for state aid healthcare for him. Let the state go after your ex for reimbursement.

If he is court ordered to do pick ups at your mother's - next time he shows up at your door - call the cops and report a prowler. Have him escorted off your lawn.

by spaznskitz 7745 Posts
Posted on 12/8/2008 11:11 AM

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My son is a natural talker. But now he is very sullen every night when I pick him up. I'll try to cheer him up. Typically I'll just say "I missed you today. DId you have a good day?" &he will just immediately start the play-by-play of his day. I'll ask " did you eat dinner yet?" ,the answer is either no or if he has it's just chicken. I know about the "just chicken" from first hand experience before I ever moved out. My son cant hold info for too long. Without having to ask or prod I've heard from him many of their "secrets" ,... like how they would go to "the hiding place" when mama was on her way home from work & the STBX would not bring our son home until well after 9 or 10 pm... his bedtime is 8pm. Spaz, I appreciate your words but it's hard watching my son struggle to make sense of what his daddy is telling him when what his dad is saying "just doesnt make sense"! I feel like I have to "deprogram" him every night when I pick him up. I really dread the additional time he has to spend w/ his Dad on overnight weekend stays... My son has an individual health policy since he was born. The STBX paid for it and I paid for my own, but now I just found out on Friday that the policy is lapsed for non payment by STBX. I found out since I was calling to inquire about psychologists in the network that I might be able to take him to. (see? I had already started on that path) I cant afford to pay direct out of pocket since I'm now officially living pay check to pay check after having come up w/ only part of my attorney's retainer. I'm scared THIS one will drop me too for not being able to beg-steal-borrow the remaining $3k he's asking for. Especially since he has to keep contacting the STBX's attny due to contempt of visitation orders every day. STBX keeps violating since he keeps showing up at my house. Only to pick up our son from my mom's. He's come to my house & dumped garbage bags/boxes in front of my door containing food from the pantry at the old house. He's a 6' Child

by EVE31 44 Posts
Posted on 12/8/2008 6:23 AM

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GAL's only get a small glimpse - and trust me, youe ex will be a model dad in front of any evaluator - you will come off looking like you are nuts.

Get your son into a child psychologist, and keep him regular with them - that testimony will be what you need to sway the court & to prove the negative comments. Don't prompt your son or tell him why he is seeing this person at first. Just pass it off as going to talk to a friend - to keep things very neutral and to allow for a fair assesment. Don't lead him by saying he will be talking about his dad - let the therapist bring it out.

How do you find out about these things your ex tells him? Does he just out and out tell you - or is there some prompting on your part?

by spaznskitz 7745 Posts
Posted on 12/8/2008 12:58 AM

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Got it. I dont like the sound of it but I got it. The visitation was suggested by the first attorney as a way for me to show my "willingness to be agreable". I thought it was giving him way too much time again wth our son, a way for the STBX to keep bad mouthign me to our son. The furniture is not the problem, the problem was the fact that I still trusted this man to be honorable since it was HIS suggestion that I get these things. I have a borrowed bedroom set up for our son already. I just thought it might be easier having his "old room" set up for familiarirty reasons but the little one has adjusted to the new home just fine without it so the furniture is not a real issue. The things that he's putting into our son's head is the main thing that troubles me. He's using the time he has during visitation to pit him against his mother. I've kept to the high road and continued to let him call his dad, visit his dad etc but as I said before, his father is "brainwashing" him with his daily litany of "anti-mama" jargon. My son loves me. I dont question this. But what do you do when your 4 yr old tells you things like" daddy says if I love you then I cant love him". I've tried talking to him and reasoning that you can love who ever you want, as much as you want, etc but when he keeps hearing differently from his dad he gets totally distraught some times. His father just sits back and smiles thinking that it will draw our son closer to him so he'll get full custody. I'm really feeling like there is nothing I can do since it's my word against his. That's why I thought maybe a GAL would help. They could see the conditions he's in at one home vs the other. But they may not witness the things he's planting in our son's mind. I hoped to get thru this divorce quickly and have shared parenting but I dont feel that his father is a viable candidate anymore for shared parenting. He's doing everything they tell you NOT to do in the dparenting classes. Yes I've gone but he still hasnt.

by EVE31 44 Posts
Posted on 12/7/2008 11:27 PM

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ok first off, you can't prove all he gives the child is chicken - and at least it is chicken and not oreos. A court won't take the testimony of a 4 year old on what he's being fed. It's healthy - and you can't control what he does in his home.

Unless there is a court order stating he has to give you the funiture - he doesn't have to. You kinda set yourself up for that disappointment considering his history with you. Also unless you have talked to your son about his "old" furinture, quite frankly, the only person your ex IS hurting by his actions is you. t's furniture - kids don't care about furniture.

Some kids sleep in sleeping bags on the floor in a living room during their visitations - the matresses he is on won't be an issue to the court. It isn't abuse to buy a child new toys and let them run wild, he doesn't have to have rules in his home if he doesn't want to. It will bite him in the ass later, but that's his problem.

A GAL can't help you. This is the custody agreement YOU asked for.

As far as the comments he makes to the child, you can get the child into a psychologist - but it is also on you to explain to your son why things are the way they are, in language a 4 year old can understand.

Eve, he's more hurting you than your son - you need to step back and understand that he can handle his time with his son any way he wants to - it is out of your control. The more you obsess over it the more your ex "wins".

by spaznskitz 7745 Posts
Posted on 12/7/2008 10:35 PM

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