pros and cons, stay or cut

Hey...I'm married (26 yrs), and considering divorce. We were married very young... I was 16, he was 20. It has been hell for the vast majority of that time. I laid it on the line 2 yrs. ago and he began to change; I started to seek help for myself, as he had refused/resisted for the previous 24 yrs. He is now a wonderful man, but I can't get over the past horror and forgive what an a**hole he was. I'm so damaged, it will likely be a long time before I am healthy enough to be in a good relationship with anyone. I care enough about him to let him go and find happiness with someone else. I can't see me ever wanting to be with him for the rest of my life, but he is willing to live with that. What the he** am I supposed to do? I love him, but I am not, what they say, "in love with him". I don't miss him when he's gone, I don't long to be with him, or any of that. I do care about him, and I do need him - emotionally, physically, and financially, but doesn't that just equate to "using" someone? I don't want to do that, and I can't even see clearly - is this what marriage is - generally - at 26 years? Functional, but not heart-felt? Is it worth the time and effort to try and save, or do we cut our losses?

by marlou 4 Posts
Posted on 12/7/2008 1:34 PM

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Answers for "pros and cons, stay or cut" (5) (You must be logged in to answer)

Well, thank you for the input. We are in counseling, and he is willing to stay. I'm just not certain that I am willing to settle after denying my own happiness for most of my life for his sake, and being crapped on or ignored most of the time. I would have to agree that 26 years is, indeed, a long time. However, the time, in and of itself, doesn't make a marriage worth saving. I think the last TWO years does.... BUT if I can't get past the 24 years of misery before that, then what's the difference? Also, loving someone as a friend or a person...but not as a man I want to be with and share my life with.... I guess in the end, as always, it's my problem/issue to deal with, and if I leave now, I'm the "bad guy"....

by marlou 4 Posts
Posted on 12/9/2008 4:19 PM

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Wow, 26 years of marriage is a long time. You have a great deal to consider here. I wanted to pass along something that my counselor told me. I had been talking to her about things I could ask my husband to do differently. I figured that a big chunk of our problems were because I do not let him know what I need from him. So, we came up with specific things I could talk to him about(helping me around the house,him looking for another job, going to counseling). She asked me if I had thought about the fact that even if he did those things, it might not be enough for me. Maybe I just would not be able to forgive five years of his crap. It does not really matter now because he is doing the same things that he always did. He has not changed. She had a good point, though. There are some things that I just can not forgive. I worry about his well-being, but, like you, I do not miss my husband when he is not around. The weekend he went away by himself to visit his family was the best weekend I had in a long time.

by meteor 507 Posts
Posted on 12/9/2008 12:05 AM

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I should say if he's willing to change reallly change or really see your side If you really love each other maybe it could work
I dont think Ive ever really loved my husband that much I got married cause I was pregnant. My husband on the other hand has always sworn to love me soooo much well except when he's loosing in
this sounds like a a bad stand up routine

see its like that around and aroung again with the same crap right?

But bottom line is I believe in love
I believe love can conquer
however love and conquer not hate
and folks/I need to know the difference

by freeme 387 Posts
Posted on 12/8/2008 1:42 PM

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Wow Im going thru similar thoughts
Ive been married about 20yrs
its been he** just like you said
My husbands been nicer lately , well, except for when he looses it - last time 4 days ago about.
And as long as I pretend I love him and all is well in his mind -he is very happy "oh how are you dear?" all brady bunch cordial like

even Sex can be great
Yet Im starving lonely and he is impossible most of the time

I decide to leave then second guess my decision. I can even cry when I think about leaving
but the thought of staying in a relationship
like this is very dismal

I find it hard to believe but peeps here and everywhere, say theres a world out there
and its not worth the greif

man I cant spell LOL

by freeme 387 Posts
Posted on 12/8/2008 1:37 PM

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It's a tough choice to make. You are giving many pros and cons here. Have you talked to him and asked him what he wants? That would be a really good start. Marriage counseling would be another. I would hate to see you dispose of a 26 year relationship without considering those two critical things. It's just my 2 cents. If you care enough about him to let him go, then you do love him deeply and would be hurting yourself furtther by doing so.

by DJPO 599 Posts
Posted on 12/8/2008 5:30 AM

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