Can Joy Really be a Part of your Life Again?

If you are still in the middle of the emotional turmoil of divorce it is hard to believe that you will ever experience joy again. I know when I was working with my coach I would often say to her “I am tired of feeling, I have experienced more emotions in the past six months then I have my whole life and I am sick of it”.  But feeling all those strong emotions and experiencing the roller coaster was worth it, when I finally got to this stage. I realized that I had to face all of those uncomfortable emotions before I could truly be free to move forward.

Comfortable in Your Own Skin
You know this stage when you look forward to coming home and just sitting down and doing absolute nothing. When you feel comfortable in your own skin and don’t mind spending a few hours with yourself. Feeling the freedom to just say “ah, isn’t this great”.  Knowing that you have to answer to no one but yourself, you can eat dinner whenever you feel like it, you can let your shoes lie around until you are good and ready to pick them up and you can do laundry when it fits your schedule.

I found that during this stage I started repeating a particular phrase. It became my mantra for the year. The phrase reflected my feeling of freedom and joy that I was experiencing. My mantra was “because I can”.  I would try something new, different and sometimes scary during this phase and when people would ask me why I decided to do that I would say “because I can”. This statement could not have been truer for me, during this stage when you finally find your freedom and no longer mourn the loss of your marriage you are beholden to no one. It is a liberating feeling. Embrace it, take chances and rediscover yourself. 

This is a unique stage. At this point you realize that your future is a blank canvass and you can draw or design it however you choose.  How exciting and yet how terrifying.

Take A Risk and Get Reacquainted with You!
When you finally figure out that your marriage is over you are faced with many choices. Until this point your future was pretty much figured out, you would live happily ever after with your spouse and make choices that reflected both of your desires. Now you are navigating the future alone and the choices you make will define your future. The only problem is that you no longer know what it is that you want to do. Before you based your decisions on what was best for you and your partner. And if you are like many women, you put many of your dreams and desires aside focusing all of your energies on your family. The unfortunate thing about that philosophy is you eventually lose touch with you. So take this time to get reacquainted with yourself. Try new things, meet knew people take some risks and rediscover your passion for life.

Reflect, Learn and Celebrate
Get excited about life again and celebrate your freedom. When I finally realized that the future was of my making I enrolled in school to finish my degree. Two and a half years later, I am only three classes away from realizing that goal. 

I also discovered my true purpose in life, coaching. I always had a need to help people and have throughout my life tried many different ways of doing this, but nothing ever felt quite right until I discovered coaching. I knew then without a doubt that I was preparing my whole life for this very moment. So when I look back on my life and see the things that many may construe as failures, such as bad relationships and my divorce, I merely see them as experiences that led me to my life purpose. I believe that I was meant to have the experiences so I could become a coach and in so doing help others to discover their true life purpose.

So I challenge each of you to look back on your marriage not as a failure but as an opportunity for growth. Take the time to find out what it is that you were able to experience or learn because of this relationship. We have an opportunity to learn something about ourselves in every experience that we have, the key is to take the time to notice. 

One way that I found to do this is to write thank you letters. I wrote my ex-husband a letter thanking him for all the things that I was able to do and experience because he was in my life. Unlike the anger letter and forgiveness letters, I actually sent this one. It was my way of reflecting on the good in the marriage and to see the growth that I experienced because he was a part of my life. By doing this I gave myself the freedom to move into the future without bringing all the negativity of the past along. You can not truly be free until you put the past to rest.

Challenge!
I challenge you to identify at least one person, other than yourself, who you can write a thank you letter. Find time within the next week to sit down uninterrupted and uninhibited and write the letter that person. Reflect on all that you have experienced and learned from that person and thank them for sharing it with you. If you wish you can send the letter to that person, it is not necessary if you feel uncomfortable.

If you take me up on my challenge I would love to hear about the experience if you are willing to share by posting your experience under this thread.