spouse on site as well?

By ex, tries to control every thing, so if I found out he was here. I would try my best to find another support group! So he can't keep getting under my thumb, so to speak 8^) !

Dignified - I needed a good laugh. Thank you.

Hmm, maybe not a bad idea. Hopefully I could reach out to him this way. It doesn't matter.  He needs to deal with his own issues. It might be interesting. What could he say, I am not emotionally available. I feel depressed all the time. I can't figure out why my wife wants to have dinner  together evey few months, catch a movie or a cup of coffee. The nerve of her....lol

I encouraged my husband to write about me, not on this site specifically, because I didn't find this site until after I truly was considering divorce...

I would have welcomed him here and see his true thoughts about my flaws/his flaws/what he was missing/etc. I know I am flawed, and seeing it written in words instead of out of his mouth can be a very powerful thing...a very powerful thing.

I agree that it could happen like delia mentioned, but for those that are thinking about it and trying to find guidance, it's a huge risk either way. I honestly don't see many posts from people trying to stay together and posting things for those that are hedging on divorce and what could be done to help/hinder the process in general...and I guess maybe that's why I'm kind of sticking around here.

It will either bring you together or drive you apart - it depends on the person and how honest they were with their partner about even contemplating divorce, IMHO.

Mine wouldnt post anything on here. He thinks his drug, alcohol and adultry habit are just fine the way they are.

You can still read all the posts without having to be a member on this site.

Who knows???

I can only imagine what my husband would write here.  He could use the support he would find here, but would never admit it.  Right now he thinks that we "are trying" even though I have already made up my mind to get a divorce.  I just do not have the heart to hit him with that during the holidays.  We are still married and living in the same apartment, so it would be pretty awful if he discovered the things that I write here.  There are certain things that I plan on telling him after he moves out and our divorce is final.  I use a fake name and initials, but if he read some of my blogs, he would figure it out soon enough. 

I know that my ex-husband wouldn't be caught dead on something like this considering when I told him I wasn't happy and we needed counseling, he suggested that I go to a counselor by myself first and then we'd try marriage counseling later.  Yeah.  Needless to say I'm back to my maiden name now. 

Anyhow, I would be highly interested to see our story from his perspective and see if he has had any type of revelations such as part of it was his fault and not just 100% mine. 

I also agree with the saying that BlueB put in his post; there are three sides to every story...yours, mine, and the truth.  It would be very interesting to see what he thinks about us now.

I think that there is aways one who gets knock to the ground and has struggles to regain life after they're hit with a divorce blow. And there is always one who caused the pain and moved on long ago. So why would they need the support of others?

I wish my ex would get some advice from somone other than his new girlfriend.....I would welcome him here.

I found this site because of my stbx. I did all the computer maintenance tasks and when I was over at "her" house (makes me sick to call it that, given that I still pay all the bills) updating or fixing something a few months back I happened to see this site bookmarked. I doubt she's been here since, but if she has I hope she sees what I've written. I've been totally honest in my story and blogs, I just haven't divulged my real name. She'll know it if she sees it. But, she's not the type to do anything other than read, she'll only commit words to print if she feels that it will bolster her (twisted) worldview. She's being absolutely evil and hateful about this whole thing, yes Misty I mean you!

hmmmmmmm well after some of the names I have been called LOL I was starting to wonder.

my ex would be furious!  He couldn't stand counseling because he can't stand to share anything about his personal life.  He's also in major denial and would turn everything around to put the blame entirely on me and use the site as just one more reason why he deserves so much better than me.

After I found this site, I suggested that my husband try it too.  He has posted a couple of times, but not recently.  He never told me that he has been on here.  I wish that he would come back because I think that he really could use some of the support that is found on here.

I'm using my real name (and picture), he did not, but I just happened to see "his story" and recognized it.  It was interesting to read things from his perspective.  It was also interesting to see some of the things that people wrote about "his wife."  But I never defended myself, as much as I wanted to!  It was really interesting to see both sides of the story. 

My stbx knows I'm on this site, I think (I've had it on my screen as she's walked past with laundry), but I'm pretty sure she isn't on this site.  I did a post a while ago wondering what story she would post about our problems and pending divorce if she were on here. 

There are three sides to every story, the saying goes...my version, your version, and the truth.  I have often wondered what her version of the story would look like in a public forum.  I often wonder what she tells her family and friends about the divorce.  Knowing her family like I do, she probably told them that we were getting a divorce and that if they asked why, she probably just told them that things weren't working out and they probably left it at that.  I highly doubt she mentioned the affairs to anyone close to her.

At the end of the day, I don't think it matters much.  I know the truth, and I know I contributed to the problems in our marriage.  I have nothing to hide and I'm not ashamed of what I've done or what I am doing now.  This is for me and if she were to read my blogs or my responses to other people, I'm not saying anything that she doesn't already know.  I don't think it would cause any more or less problems than there already are, but that's our situation...everyone is a bit different on here in their personalities and situations, so it might be more catastrophic if one spouse found the other posting on here.  Luckily, I don't need to worry about it.

I have thought of this in several ways and I don't think (or at least in my perspective) that we keep keep our identities secret because we are not honest. This is a place were we can relax and let our guard down and be ourself.
 
     I  for one had to change my identity for safety reasons. I'm honest with the things I say and do. My stbx was and still is a controlling manipulator. It was important that I break free of that and be myself. We all here have things we need to get out in the open and get a second opinion on things and need guidance and we get it here.
 
     I really think this site helps with that, but I really think at times we really do need to be careful how much info we divulge so that it doesn't come back to haunt us in the end. Especially those who are not yet divorced. Just my opinion.

I agree with 123; I'm trying to be honest so I won't have anything to hide.

I did think of that after I joined...what if he is here, too? But I doubt very much he would ever look at or join this type of site...and if he did, I don't really care at this point... he just wants a divorce, not information or support!

Ironically, I've just started up my account a few hours ago, and this was one of the first questions that I had as well.  This is exactly the type of site that I was looking to find, and hope that by STBX isn't on here.  Although, we are both looking for some guidance so if she were here hopefully she would be benefitting too...

my stbx would never get on a site like this. he doesn't need support because he doesn't think he is wrong. and the need to understand something to him spells guilt trip and he just won't hear it. he can take on a new life like some people change a shirt. he walks past old friends like they are ghosts who he refuses to see. my pain is drama to him meant to spoil his good time so he closes his eyes as easily as his heart. i could only hope my  stbx would reach out to a site like this. it would mean there is hope and he is human. both of which is untrue.

delia you're right. That is the reason we have been told not to use real names and don't give out our real email addresses.
Don't use your real state and change all names to protect yourself.
But since I'm now divorced and was just before I got on here I refuse to call my Zee and Joe anything but their real names. Along with Callie and Miss Kitty and Max the wimpy shepherd.
Some of the replies to this post had me ROFL. But it doesn't take much to tickle my funny bone.

Yes, my stbx had got snoopy and got into my computer and found this site and found me. He is very controlling and manipulative. D360 was helping me and I changed my site name so that he wouldn't know I was still on here. If he knew I was still on here all it would do is cause more drama in my life and know telling what he would start.

It has nothing to do with hiding anything. Think about it:

Say a person on here has not made a decision to leave/separate/divorce, and they are just confused and looking for guidance. Their spouse somehow ends up on this site (for whatever reason) - maybe someone who knows them pointed him in this direction, maybe he ended up here on a fluke, mayyyyyyyyybe he's suspicious and checking to see what his spouse is doing, why she's on a divorce site when he thinks things are hunky-dory, yano?

He finds her profile, reads her blogs. Now all of a sudden, what she wasn't sure she wanted, is now being forced on her because 9 times out of 10 the other party is going to assume he (or she) is about to be shafted with a splintered object and reacts accordingly.

Who knows and who cares!  I have told the truth. :)

My stbx would never admit he had a problem.  Plus I doubt his g/f would let him use her computer unsupervised.

Haven't found my stbxw on the site yet.  Even still just like when we were together I haven't said anything that is not true.  Still it would be weird, because my stbxw never had a positive thing to say about anything.  With all the positive energy, hope and caring that is on this site I don't think that the stbxw would know how to handle it.  I do know it is just a matter of time and when the stbxw's family finds me here I hope they have a good time trying to read everything.  Maybe they will learn what it means to be a member of the human race.