Confused about his separation ...

Oh my god ... I love the responses thank you so much.  Some of the answers to your questions (and I hope I answered them all are) are yes she does know about me, we have actually met once and conversed via email (both good and bad).  They stayed with the marriage for so long because of the kids and have been together so long that they do not know any different.  I have been seeing him for close to 3 years but 2.75 of them he lived in the house, I know I know 'red' flag.  I have seen the red flags for so long that I know I need to move on and let them heal (either back together or separately).  I thought of the whole ultimatum thing and feel if I have to do that it is not worth it.  They are not legally separated and have talked about divorce.  He said he wanted to wait longer until the kids fully adjusted to him being out of the house.  Another red flag.  Plus I always hear 'in a few months' ... 'in a few more months' and then before I know it, it is 3 years later.  I have been married before and know the pain it is getting divorced but enough is enough.  I know I need to back off and let things be, but love can do crazy things to you.  I know what everyone is saying is valid and right and for me having to hear it a few times it starts to sink in.  I don't want to be the rebound girl and I know that I am but that love thing.  I know in the end that he will never ask for the divorce, she will eventually get tired of it and tell him but she doesn't work, has a big house, etc ... He doesn't want to sell the house and said he will pay everything.  To me still sounds like playing house.  I will stop and say thank you to everyone for responding and giving me your honest opinion.  I know this was an uncomfortable post and could have irked some.  I have to do what is best for me - you only live once right. .... Be Well.

Sorry if I offended anyone with that "claws" comment.  I was just trying to express my feeling that his wife might not let go of the marriage without a fight. 

IMHO- I don't think that the guy sounds on the up and up.  I bet his wife doesn't even know what it going on.

First off....Sheila..."claws"?  Her attachment to him is their wedding vows and marriage certificate.

It sounds as though you really care for this person, but is he being completely honest with you?  Does his wife know about you?  You also sound like you have a good conscience....if he isn't completely honest with you, can you live with that fact that you might be a factor in the breakup of a marriage/family?  Not judging, just asking.

Good luck...I'm sure you'll do what's right for you and everyone involved.

I'm going to offer two thoughts here.  They'll be a bit rushed, so I apologize in advance if they come off as rude.  They're not meant that way.

First, this is their separation, their divorce, their family--you really don't have any right to push for anything.  I think you feel like the bad guy because pushing is a bad thing to do and you know that on some level.  Don't push; you'll feel better about yourself if you don't.  If you find the situation is intolerable, draw a boundary, not by giving him an ultimatum, but by cutting things off with him.  Again, you'll feel better about yourself if you do.  You might win with an ultimatum, but I think that would hurt you rather than help you.  There is a growing experience in this for you--either one that teaches patience or one that teaches how to say goodbye to seemingly good things.  Either way, you win.  The only way you lose is by pushing.

Second, I think my second got gobbled up by the first.  The second is that you can grow in this situation too.  Look out for you.  You are worth it.

No judgement here.  I know this situation--with the emotions and confusion--isn't a pretty one for you either.  Divorce is ugly all around, for everyone involved.  Take care.

Everyone has given you the advise that I would, but I would like to put this out there for you, some people might take your post as a bad taste, but I will move past that, we are not here to pass judgement just to offer advice and help you through and maybe become friends.  First thing is this, he is not filed for divorce and rather he is legally seperated and or not, he is still married.  If his wife does not know about you and then one day finds out she could make this difficult if she is the one being left because of the OW....  Second, is are you okay with being the rebound, rather you say you are or are not, you are....  That is a hard pill to swallow.  Because he is still doing everything for the family and the house and the wife still gets the holidays so with that being said are you okay with being the left overs for maybe a year or so longer, divorce just doesn't happen, it takes time and money and that is going to be hard on him rather he decided to leave or she did....  I have heard that relationships like yours have made it and they have even got married but also I have heard that things didn't.  So, take one day at a time, give him the space he needs, don't push and see where it goes, the more you push the more he might push back...  Keep your head up and I hope that it all works out for you and him....