Need help, so confused.

Honey you are not horrible. Your situation was tough- you did what you had to to be able to cope. It does not sound as though you had an affair. You are "thinking" of other guys..am I right?
Your husband neglected you- some due to his job , which cannot be avoided many time, and some just because he did.
I would advise you to go to counseling. At least give him that. You are questioning things yourself ( reading between the lines in your post) and you need toget those answered before you move on.
Both of you attend counseling. Take some time just for the 2 of you. Your marriage has suffered...do what you can to revive it.
If, after you both have tried 150%, it is the same way , then you have tried all that you can . But- read in here- try to salvage your marriage FIRST. You loved him once..try to
find that again. Take care- let us know what you decide and how things are going!

I'm with Valmet and kdb...try counseling.  Even individual counseling may help.  You've lost your connection with your husband because he's been away so long and you need to find a way to reconnect with him.  Talk to the base chaplain about this...I know long deployments take their toll on military spouses, and it's a common reason for why marriages fail in the military community, so it's something the chaplain should have extensive experience with, even if you don't share his religious background.

There are two kinds of love...the frilly romantic kind that send butterfiles in your stomach, but the other kind is the work horse love that requires patience and understanding for it to work.  You've been without the former so long, it's shaken your faith in the marriage.  He loves you and wants you to stay...you have to decide if your love is worth it.  Only you can do that, not him, not a counselor, not even me or anyone on this site.  All we can give you is some insight and advice...but it will be up to you to take it or reject it.  I wish you the best of luck with all this.  Keep us posted!!!

For wanting out of your marriage, for possibly breaking up your family with the excuse "I've changed" you will be a horrible person. But you don't have to follow this road. Go find a therapist. Changing is not a bad thing but it can be if you take it in a wrong direction. Don't destroy your family before YOU give every ounce of yourself to save it.

You might try counseling, it could help you to see if there is a chance for your marriage to work, and then if nothing else, help him accept the change and make the break easier...