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These last couple of weeks have been particularly anxious for me in the sexual department. It's been a couple of months since I last had sex and I was going a little nutso, especially believing that there was no way around the matter. My stbx sleeps on the couch and what little time we spend together is a tad awkward, although we're trying to be cordial and considerate. Last night, we took that to a different level.
We were both experiencing pent up sexual tension, so we helped each other out. We made sure we were on exactly the same page as far as what it would mean and not mean. It was in no way an attempt to be closer, more intimate, or to fix things. We're still married, still have needs, and needed some relief. We both agreed to all that and...well, I'm sure you don't need the details. Needless to say, I think we're both just a touch more relaxed this morning.
I'm aware of just how much it can complicate things during a separation or divorce to still have sex. Earlier in all of this, we were still being intimate and it screwed things up on my end royally. I still saw it as a way of improving our connection, being closer, even spicing things up. He, simply put, wasn't going to say no to any sexual offerings from me...he's a guy! However, getting off was all it was to him and it was so much more to me. It hurt and confused me and I questioned my worth and how he truly saw me.
Fast forward a few months to the present. Things have changed so much for me in regards to my marriage. I've fully accepted that it's over. I know now that I can't be (and don't want to be) married to this man. I've started to look at my future without him in periodic, positive perspectives rather than with the doom and gloom feature of the lens of life. In a couple or few months, I look forward to moving out on my own and beginning a life that is all about ME. That being said...last night was mostly about me. I wanted sex, I got it, end of story. There's no confusion or wistful thinking of a re-connection with my stbx.
If this is how my stbx and I can be "friendly," and "cordial," with each other, there are far worse things. How is/was your sexual relationship w/your stbx/ex and how did it affect things for you?