I still feel like she gave up on what could have been a good thing.

You and me both...I would defraud countless terrorists to get my flux capacitor working...

THanks for the vote of confidence guys. I'm still amazingly sad at this point. I do see it as a necessary step in my adventure in control this alcohol addiction. My wife meant the world to me and I felt we would grow old together. I'm sure everyone had that feeling. You know what is interesting my wife was the type of person to hold her pain in and I was talking to a friend about this and he told me that through my marriage he noticed that we never fought I mean NEVER! We would disagree, but I know couples that fight it out in the front yard! This really made me realize that because we never fought through things it killed our marriage. Best friends fight why would'nt and why did'nt we ever fight. She would cry on occasion about my drinking, but I would just cry with her or feel so bad I would just walk away. Why did'nt we or I communicate better? GOD I just want my Deloriun and 1.21 jigawatts! I'm trying to keep a sense of humor here.

yoda, looking around for info related to your problems on the internet, reading stuff, and starting to talk about it already says something about you, probably that you can definitely tackle this.

if it has to happen that you lose someone you love, at least you can try to make the memory of it as happy as possible, so you will always have that.  i think you can deliberately do that with effort.  sounds kind of sappy, but it works for me....

Controlled drinking works for me too.  i set limits on hours i can do it, how much i should have, etc.  i was never that bad with it, but i believe there is evidence to show that Irish people are genetically prone to it.  Sadly, my extended family is a roaring example of this.

good luck

Hey Yoda--that makes perfect sense.  You may very well  be able to drink in a healthy way once you take care of the underlying issues that alcohol is medicating.  Get on them--I bet that as you deal with them, you'll enjoy life a whole lot more, with or without your wife.

Kudos for recognizing a problem and addressing it.

That said, eventually you will reach a point where you have to *gasp* forgive yourself. People in your life who were hurt by the drinking may never forgive you, but that is on them.

And accept the fact that you will hurt someone again. You're human, and we all do it, even without meaning to.
You will have setbacks, and struggle but persevere, maintain, and take one minute at a time. Whether you go to AA or not, find some kind of support group and lean on them when you want a drink (and you WILL want it at some point).

Good luck,

I'm seeing a therapist. AA kind of freaked me out. Everyone was old and depressed. I feel that this divorce is my rock bottom and it's time for me to change. I screwed up the best thing in my life and I don't want to hurt anybody again.

have you contacted AA? Looked into some sort of counseling to help you with the deamons that drive you to drink?

You too lenn. I have made myself a promise to not drink for a year and than try controlled drinking like everyone else seems to get along doing. I don't think I'm genetically prone to drink. I have other issues that I need to face that I never really have before that  drinking made go away. Does that make sense? I have alot of work ahead. This site is helping. The mornings are my most difficult. I'm so weak in the morning.

Yes. Your right Spaz. I've been clouded by alcohol so long that making excuses is just second nature to me. It's something I really need to work on. It's so bad I don't even know I'm doing it. I've been a, "poor, poor me" for quite sometime. Thanks for the honesty.

Spaz gave you some hard but very real truth.  I hope you take it in without defensiveness.  And I write that as someone who could have written your post only with other behaviors standing in for drinking.

 

I don't know you, but I will point out that one working definition of addiction is any behavior that you continue even in the face of clear negative consequences.  It sounds like drinking may have cost you your marriage, and likely qualifies as an addiction in your life.  Treat it seriously.  My guess is you're  not as ready to change it as you think you are.

"COULD have been a good thing"

could is the operative word...it SHOULD have been a good thing. You knew how she felt about the alcohol, but you were unwilling to compromise - there is only so many times a person is going to ask before they stop, and give up.

She probably feels you didn't love her enough to change when it was first brought to the table as a problem, you couldn't possibly love her enough the rest of your life.

It can't always be on your terms and timeline.

 

Get help for your alcohol abuse - regardless if it saves your marriage or not - for yourself.