I feel so pathetic

Hey, sweetie, don't beat yourself up. YOu sound like a good and loving person and you married someone who hurt you. YOu are not pathetic....I was married to someone who was emotionally and sexuall unavailable. It was/ and is/painful. I deserve so much more and so do you. Go look in the mirror and tell yourself how lovely you are....because you are.

At the beginning you mentioned counseling, try it again.  I too had a counselor and didn't feel like I was getting a lot out of it.  I found another one.  And I've been with him for a year.  We've started to peel back some of the layers and I'm finally getting some relief from the divorce. 

I agree with all of the thoughts shared above, but certainly be good to yourself and seek the assistance of a good third party.  And if you don't like the counselor you go to - or you're not getting anything out of it - keep looking.  Counseling is a relationship that you have to be comfortable with.

Best of luck.

"The love we have (had) just does
not disappear even after they have LIED, CHEATED,
ABANDONED, AND ABUSED, us."  I realize you were mentioning your stbx, but it is the same for me.  Right down to calculating the day I would be served to the time it should be over.  Just let him go, forgive and move on.  I didn't say forget because that will never happen but you can learn from it and one day, hopefully, trust will return and you will have the great life you deserve.

hello herelgo,
thank you for your support. 
Your right, he does not deserve my love or support.
Yet he remains solidified in my heart.  like cold steel
upon my soul.
When I think of him (like last night when I was alone yet
again) I am sad, I want him to hold me and love me.
I wish this had never happened.  Which makes me
Pathetic.  Sorry, I used that word again, but I am. I
accept it.  I was/am in therapy, just aint doing it for me.
My doctor diagnosed me as "Clinic(ly) depressed", put me
on some weird meds that made me feel strange. 
I felt very uninspired to do anything.
Why did I allow him to abuse me?  Our child, our business
together, the house, oh, 100's of reasons. 
Probably because I did'nt want to be alone.
And now I am.
Unfair.
I am making the effort to move on, but I find it very hard.

Your not pathetic.  You're a person who loves someone who isn't good for you or deserving of your love.

When you think of your spouse, do you think of him, or how you wish things were?  If you can go to a counselor or therapist, they can diagnose if you are suffering from depression, and why you have allowed someone to abuse you. Good luck to you.

Your'e not pathetic, first off get that word out of your mind.  Secondly, let yourself feel the pain I know it hurts to be told by another that they don't love you anymore.  And finally, try to accept that it's over, I know that is a tough thing to do, I was saying I love right up until the moment I was served.  It took a lot of listening to others and sleepness nights to realize/accept that fact.  Do what you can to protect your dignity and self respect, visit with a couselor if you can.  You are what you choose to be, and pathetic is just not an option, ok.

I'm see that alot of people (especially women) can have a
difficult time getting past the emotional feelings we have
for our ex-husbands.  The love we have (had) just does
not disappear even after they have LIED, CHEATED,
ABANDONED, AND ABUSED, us.  That Love we had for
them is so deeply buried in our hearts, it just does not
go away quickly enough for me!  Even when they have
wronged us, we hold on to the "Dream" or maybe its the
family unit we hold so dear that we fear losing.  I know
from personal experience, that even after all that abuse,
I am having a very hard time letting go.  I want to,
desperately, but it remains deep, deep, within my heart.
I hate him, and I love him.  What a mix of emotions.  I wish
to get off this Roller Coaster now, ride operator, please
stop this ride!  I will continue to survive, day by day.
He asks me "Why can't we be friends?" what a joke!
He does not have the qualities to qualify for a friend.
Who needs a friend that lies, cheats, abandons his family,
and is so self absorbed in himself.  Great friend to have,
Yeah, right.  Hope he rots in his 10x20' trailer!
Wow, I must sound very angry, need another valium quick!

I guess I'm passing on advice others have given me, concentrate on yourself and your child, now it's all about you. I feel for you, in my 30 year marriage it was always about him, never about me or our children... always about him... very controlling man, manipulative, I'm starting to see that now... starting to, I mean I was so used to it, that was just the way he was, everyone else could see it, just not myself.

I will always love him, even after his cheating and lying, I just don't think I can stay married to him and live with him...thats what he wants, he wants me to come back, he will change...how stupid does he think I am, he cahn't change, yeah, maybe for a little while then it will be the same thing, do I want to be in the same boat 25 years from now.

It's so hard getting over the hurt, one day at a time!

You are not pathetic to love the man you were married to, you can't turn feelings off overnight. If you could, those feelings would not be very deep. One thing though, is to stop worrying about how he is doing. He has made his choices and let him figure how to deal with that. You now only have to worry about you and your son. There is a certain freedom in that. There is a certain comfort in that. Even if he does have a change of heart (even if you still want him back at that point), you should ask yourself why you need to kiss his ass, shouldn't it be the other way around? Shouldn't he be the one with something to prove? You have a loving son, is abuse the example you want to show him as an acceptable way to treat someone or to be treated? I am not being critical of you here, I am just saying these are things to really think about and it might help you get to a point that you realize you are better off without that kind of thing in your life. It is ok to care for the man, you have been with him a long time and he is the father of your son. It does not mean you have to take him back or need to continue to try to solve his problems. Hang in there and keep posting and going to counseling, it does get better. Hugs...

"Quoted from jhs response"  Remember... The past is history, the future is a mystery, but today is a gift. That's why it's called the present. (Probably mis-quoted, but you get the idea). I sense you are focusing on the past, the "dream", instead of the present of today. I know it's hard, but try to shift that focus into the now. And know that taking a baby step today will make tomorrow a better present.****well if only life was this simple...lol...what you wrote is 100 times the truth...but love is a matter of the heart and some wounds are cut so deep into your soul. I would know this firsthand. I hear lots of people say...oh it could be worse...well DUH...i know that but it COULD be BETTER...lol... im so messed up right now emotionally i dont think i should advice to a mouse. I just hope the saying time heals all wounds is true....i havent quite made it there yet. :( **************

I am so grateful for all of the support I have received from
each and everyone of you!
Every submission given so generously of your time is
valuable and I take it all in.
I live on a day to day existence, my nights are the worst,
especially when my son is not here with me.  I don't sleep
well, go to bed early and usually wake up at 5:00 am.
I don't go out, I work out of my house, except when I go
to work to take photo's.  This is about the only time I don't
obsess about my lost love.  I am focused and determined
to get the shot and when its over I am back to square one.
I have had to amass a portfolio of images in just the past
year alone. His worst nightmare has come true for his
biggest competition is his ex-wife.  This does make me
laugh.  Since money is his biggest concern, and not the
family/love he has lost, I get satisfaction from this.
Although, I would give everything up to have my family
back.  He was very upset over the phone last night and
I so wanted desperately to comfort him, but he was not
able to hear me.  He say's "Why can't we be friends?"
and my response was "You don't have the qualities of
someone I would want to be friends with".  He now lives in
a 10x20' trailer in a trailer park and  relies on alcohol
and his bandaid (his pathetic girlfriend)  for comfort. 
I so want to comfort him, hold him, be with him, miss
him, but I know, I can't save him from the STUPID
choices he has made.  Everyone makes mistakes.
Can he ever be helped? I am working very hard to make
it alone and it is very difficult being a artist and making
a living in this economy today.  Can you ever get back
together with a ex?  I know deep down, he'll never see
the light.  Unless he hits rock bottom, but what is his
rock bottom, it was not losing his family, thats for sure.
I have to accept some people will never change!
Its too bad, for me, for him, for our son, for a future that
will neve

jhs, is a real help. Read his post daily, as I did. He is right on. I have the same feelings jump up on me as well, but the advice he gave me I applied, and things are going better. Follow me, and read my blogs. I can't remember exactly the advice, so I read it again from time to time, when I get these feelings. I hope you can take his advice, I know he has helped me.

ditto to meteor.  if you weren't upset, i mean crazy upset, there'd be something wrong with you!

look around people's posts on here and you will find the reassurance that comes with "no way!  somebody has the same exact story as me!"  it definitely is a supportive group of people.....

good luck betabear and we hope you stick around....great screen name btw!

Please don't consider yourself pathetic!  My ex did a lot of the things you describe, but I still miss the way he used to be and I've been divorced for 3 years.  He also blamed me for everything.  When I did follow him around and yell because I found physical evidence of his infidelity,  I was wrong for "being abusive".  Never mind that he had cheated, or that I didn't swear or say horrible things - more like, "how could you treat us this way?"  When he wanted out, he did awful things to me for a reaction, so he could claim I was mean to him.  I, too, still want him to take responsibility for what he did, but as friends have pointed out - nothing is ever his fault.  For a long while he treated me differently from the way he treated others, then he started to treat me with the same selfish attitude people complained about.  I was always trying to repair his damage - with friends, HIS family, at church.  He left a financial mess - and blamed me for that, too.  I was a stay-at-home mom of 4.  Never mind that he makes three times what I do now, and with child support and alimony, the kids and I live on less than what he has for himself.  I deal with him better now because I no longer blame myself, other than for putting up with his garbage.  I miss him, but am constantly reminded of what a jerk he was. Recently he was behind on support, and although he "acknowledged" that I probably did not have enough money for groceries, he was more concerned about getting in trouble with CS enforcement, than whether his kids had food.  You are not at all pathetic!

You are not pathetic.  The two of you were married over twelve years and shared a life together.  As abusive as he was, he was a huge part of your life.  I would wonder about you if you were not upset after being divorced for only four months.  It sounds like he blames you for everything.  he is probably telling the new girlfriend all kinds of crap about you, making you out to be the bad guy.  Don't worry.  Her time will come when the "honeymoon period" of the new relationship ends.  So many good suggestions have been given to you already that I have trouble adding anything.  The number one thing I want to get across to you is that loving and missing your ex-husband does not make you pathetic.  It shows that you are a very real and loving person dealing with a terrible situation. 

Pathetic is such a painful word.  I have felt that way on and off the past 7 months.  I understand you for using that word since I have been feeling the same way. Hang in there it has to get better. :)

You need to find your inner strength and get your life together. If not for yourself, for your son. Yes, your ex has moved on and you feel the way you do because of all the mental and emotional abuse he did to you. By obsessing, you are still letting him control you. I got counseling and it was the best thing. Not to mention, Effexor helped me thru the first 6 months. Talk to your doctor about antidepressants. He is so not worth what you are putting yourself thru. You deserve better. Love yourself enough to know that.

http://singleparentsunite.blogspot.com/

Wow, I feel an immense warmth emitting from all of you that have
responded.  The support I have received is so appreciated.
I actually broke down this evening and called him (had to
discuss some issues) All he did was complain, rant, rave,and
yet again, BLAME ME, for all of this.  Its all about $ for him.
He was so upset I did'nt even get the opportunity to speak
with him about the issues I needed to speak about.  I
actually felt a bit of sick satisfaction knowing how miserable
he was. But it clearly made it evident that he is STILL in
denial over the real reason.  Its always about him, he will
talk til his head turns blue and I could not even let me get a word
in my defense.   As insane as this may sound, it made me
feel better.  Is that crazy or what?   When I eventually got
a word in I let it slip "I still love and miss you terribly, I wish
that this had never happened".  Was that a big mistake?
I don't wish him dead, his son needs and loves him, I
would never take that from my child.  I just WISH he could
open his eyes to his mistakes and stop blaming me.  I'm not
faultless in this, I know, but when you live with and work
with a verbally abusive person it really can have an effect
on your intimate life.  Who wants to have sex with
someone who berates and puts you down most of the
time.  It was not 100%, but at least 75% if the time.  So he
went and sought out sex otherwhere.  I was not even
aware of this cheating at the time of filing for divorce, I
filed because of his abusive attitude towards me. He is
still to this day rafting "on the river of denial".  Its too bad,
it did not have to be this way.  All I ever wanted from
him was a little compassion and kindness. It would of
gone a long way in the bedroom.  If only he watched
"Dr. Phil" a little more and listened we could have been
together today. 
Thank you everyone for your support, it really helps me,
cause all my family and fri

You are not pathetic...he is.  I too have felt this way, but have convinced myself that my future is mine to build with my children.  They are just a little younger than yours, and even though this won't be the typical life for them, I will do everything I can to make as positive as possible.  It may be hard to see, but what you mold with your son will be beautiful.  You can do it, and your friends here will not let you down.

Honey you are NOT pathetic! I agree with jhs..
Anytime you are in an abusive situation that person has done what they can to destory any self esteem and self worth. It is not your fault even though he tries to make you think that it is.
Think of it this way, he is with her...you know how he is..how long do you think that it will be before she is in your shoes and is so beaten down that she feels like crap?
He will turn on her because if he doesn't want to admit his part in this he will never change and it will repeat itself.
She must be pathetic and if I were you I would feel sorry for her!
Take stride to heal. Go to a counselor. Believe me ...if you take care of you and love that child, you both will benefit and it will be ok. Step by step ...day by day.. little by little.
You are free from the abuse...and you will be alright!

I love jhs's response.  I woke up one day and said to myself the only one who can make me miserable is me.  My ex cheated and married the woman he cheated with.  I decided that I would not be a pawn he could move into submission by tearing my life apart.  I now attend school functions with this other woman and have become cordial with her.  Not friends but we do talk on the phone about the children and have a civil relationship.  But even if it killed me before I decided to hold my head up and know in my heart that he did not beat me into submission but I really came out better alone than I was when I was with him.

I love your response, jhs. A therapist told me once that I was in love with the "idea" of my ex...not the actual person. Took me a while to understand what she meant.

 

You nailed it.  Take heed, betabear.

Thank you jhs and childless for your responses.
I really appreciate the support.  I consider myself pathetic
for caring so much about a man who was so bad for me.
I have read many books about divorce, am in therapy, and
you are probaby right about the "dream" of marriage being
 destroyed by a selfish and cowardly man who chose
the easy way out.  We had a great life, both of us photographers,
ran our own business, wonderful child.  But his acts of
ranting, raving, obsessiveness, relentlessness (would follow
me around the house) til he would drive me insane.
Of course, he never thought there was anything wrong with
these actions, til he finally pushed me over the edge with
a incident of public craziness.  This was finally the catalyst
to make me file.  It was'nt til 2 months later, I found out
thru a 3rd party, he already had a new girlfriend for several months before.
So I feel cheated and ripped off in so many way.  I now
will lose a great part of my sons growing up years, we can
no longer do business together, I have a big mortgage and my
house is falling apart.  I can't speak to him, its too painful.
I only speak to him when I absolutely have to.  So I hate him,
thus, I hate myself more because I put so much energy into
even thinking about him.  Its a vicious cycle.....
He blames me, as long as he has his bandaid (his pathetic
girlfriend) he does not have to face the choices he has
made, the lives he has affected or the love he has lost.
I blame myself because I enabled him. and now he's all happy
and I am a recluse.  I stop myself mentally whenever I
start thinking about him, but sometimes its just to overwhelming
for me and I just fall into oblivion.  God, I am pathetic!!!!!
I wish I could be hynotized into not even remembering him.
He's not worth my time, I know.  I am F$#%@ed up.

wow, that was a pretty amazing response by jhs and i don't know how i could add to it.

can you get into more details about the abusiveness if it's not too much for you?  i just recently discovered after 40 years that talking helps...

OK...well, the cliche is "it gets better with time". And it's true. But you can help it get better faster, or make it take a really long time. It's truly your choice.

I have a little soapbox, and I'll get on it.

You, and you alone, are responsible for you (your actions, your reactions, your emotions, your happiness). That is your realm; you own it, and you are responsible for it.

It's a little like the prayer of serenity: Recognize what you are responsible for, what you can control, what you own, as opposed to what is outside of your realm. Don't stress about the rest of the world, it is just, after all, input to your realm. But take responsibility for how that input affects your realm. That is the part, and the only part, of your life that you control.

What "input" is causing you to say you love and miss him so much? Do you love his abusive nature? Do you love his cheating on you? Do you love his moving on with the OW? Do you love the way you are reacting to what he's done (depression, hating yourself, effects on your son, etc.)?

The only one of those things you are responsible for, you can control, is the last one. It may help if you can focus clearly on the realities of today. As Sgt. Friday said "Just the facts, ma'm." I suspect you love and miss what I call the "dream", the way he and your marriage were supposed to be, the way you wanted them to be, the way you expected them to be.

But they weren't. And now you need to focus on the realities of today, not the way it was supposed to be.

Remember... The past is history, the future is a mystery, but today is a gift. That's why it's called the present. (Probably mis-quoted, but you get the idea). I sense you are focusing on the past, the "dream", instead of the present of today. I know it's hard, but try to shift that focus into the now. And know that taking a baby step today will make tomorrow a better present.

Take care, and you're not pathetic!