Marriage on the rocks. Please Help

things have been bad between my Wife and I. She became cold and not affectionate after 9yrs of Marriage. I looked into it and read e-mails trying to gain a clue of what she wasnt telling me.She told me I invaded her privacy and had no right. I kept watching and found Discreet Adventures a place for affairs. She would be on the computer every chance she got ignoring the kids and me.I was desperate so I tape recorded her one night and one person she was On-line with called the house she was having phone-sex. I confronted her and she told me I took away any privacy she had left. I was just trying to get some info so I could use it to be that person she could talk to again or be excited about . She told me how hurt she was but I found out that the on-line guy is now calling her at work everyday and sometimes at home. She told me that she Loves him and now thinks of me as a roomate only.She told me that they will never meet cause he is married too and lives in another state.This is an Affair I want to fix things. I do Love her and my kids but she refuses to stop talking to him stating that she cares deeply for someone she has never met. I am trying to fix our marriage and going to Counseling with Her but She will not stop this Affair stating that he supports her emotional needs and wants. She told me the past 3 years she hasnt been happy. She never told me or gave me a chance to improve or try instead she went outside of us. Please help.I Dont want to divorce her but she wont stop