Getting Rid of the Guilt - Finding Relief

This phase is a unique one. During this phase you start to feel okay with where you are and are beginning to accept the fact that your marriage is over and you begin to look to the future. As you begin to embrace your new life, without your spouse, you may begin to feel relief because the emotional turmoil is starting to lessen, but along with the relief you feel guilty for feeling relieved. What a conundrum.

Experiencing Relief
The end of a marriage is never the day you separate, it starts long before either of you realize that you are unhappy, or decide to do something about it. This stage is often times referred to as an emotional divorce. This time in the marriage can be very stressful and emotionally charged. It makes living together very stressful. Sometimes you can’t even stand looking at the other person or cringe when you hear them come through the door after work. Living this way is not healthy, days are long, nights are even longer making for a very uncomfortable home life. If we think it is stressful just imagine how our kids feel. The air is even more charged for them, since they want to be loyal to both sides. 

My daughter was 14 years old when her dad and I separated.  We have always had a good relationship and we were able to talk about just about anything. It was still the same even after her dad left. But she as well as I showed our human side from time to time; not being able put what we are feeling into words all the time.

One particular day she was being unusually irritable. She was short tempered and mean spirited. I wasn’t quite sure what was going on. Then as we were driving to Wal-Mart I had a moment of clarity. She feels guilty about feeling relieved that the tension is gone, which also meant her dad was gone. What I saw from her was that she was, as I was from time to time, relieved that our home environment was once again calm.

So I said to her, I am not sure what you are feeling about dad moving out, but this is how I feel. Some days I am happy, some days I am angry and other days I am relieved. And when I feel happy and relieved I feel guilty. So I told her its okay to feel happy and relieved that things are good at home again. I was honest and told her I didn’t know for sure how things were going to end up between her dad and me but I said to her, worse case scenario we will be the “Gilmore Girls”, our favorite show.

She cried a bit and then wiped her tears away and smiled. I think I helped her remove some of the heavy weight she was carrying around. It was a moment of bonding for us. So we continued the bonding, as we have done in the past, by getting our ears pierced together. Why we choose inflicting pain upon ourselves as a way of bonding I will never understand, but it works. 

I said to her “when we get to Wal-Mart how about getting our ears pierced together. We did and the moment passed. Since that talk, where she was given permission to feel whatever feelings that showed up without feeling guilty, she was able to talk more freely about her feelings.

Action Step
Give yourself permission to feel whatever feelings show up for you over the next month, without feeling guilty. Celebrate this stage it is the foundation from which you will build your future. The really good stuff is just around the corner. Enjoy!