Communication now

This is what helps me...You deal with what needs to be dealt with to agreements with the divorce and so forth. Cut out all personal small talk and stay out of each others business. Don't care what she is doing (unless it has something to do with the kids or puts them in danger) If she is digging around looking for info on you ignore it. Move on. My feelings for my stbx are gone so it is easy to say and do. Just keep speaking to family and friends about the divorce to a minimum or non existence level. Hope this might help.

I sympathize with you.  During my divorce (my ex filed, I did not want it at all), he had lied about money, cheated, done all sorts of awful things, and I was always being told by my lawyer, court officials, family therapist to be calm, try to get along with him, and accept that this is the way things are.  Why wasn't he being told to do the right thing, or at least be a little bit ashamed of what you've done.  Just because this is common doesn't make it right, or acceptable.  I think, now, part of the issue was that I was (and am) the parent with the kids' best interests in mind; I am the one who would never walk out on them or put my interests way in front of theirs.  My close friends assured me that everyone knew what a jerk he was.  Interestingly, EVERYTHING he did, and does, is in his own interests.  He tried to insist on e-mail communications at a time when I did not have access to one at work, and was not yet really comfortable communicating by e-mail at home.  Now that this has changed, I prefer to e-mail him, and he often says HE  has difficulty accessing it.  That's why he's ignored by messages about the kids.  This would be believable except he's a computer programmer and I'm a teacher.  He only wants to communicate about the kids when he's in the mood - not when they need something.  I'm just glad they are getting older!

boxerjo,
i know that this is hard, yeah it is. you dont need to communicate on the phone . i have the same problem with my ex. i now am going to court to try to figure out out to communicate. i see what they call a pc who tries to help us communicate better for the children. we are going to use the internet, there is a program called the family wizard. this will help me because i will be able to say what i need with out him controlling the whole conversation. maybe you can try this too. good luck i hope this helps

I'm in the same boat.  Tried like hell to put our marriage back together, and now I'm sitting here alone (she went out)

My STBX even asked me not to "go after" the OM. 

I am trying to keep things business like also, but the need to get angry, cry, and be in shock makes me excuse myself now a few times a day.

Just don't talk about your feelings for her, and expect the same from her around the kids.  Tell them the truth as to what's going on, but do it in stages (if you havn't already done this)

 

She started the process today after a long conversation.  So I have a long road ahead of me. 

 

Be the best DAD you can and worry about their welfare, someone has to and it should be you.

Kids are resiliant, the situation will hurt them and confuse them for a while, but they will bounce back.  Again, tell them the truth if they ask. 

Good luck!

After many 'scenes' (yelling, crying, swearing)  I have come to the point where I don't talk to him unless I absolutely have to.  My teenage sons don't have to hear me say bad things about him...if I do that, I either get on this site or go to my friends to vent.  Paula and Trish are right......treat them politely.....She'll hate that!

Your feelings are just that. How you feel about getting a divorce. No one can dictate how you feel but there can be some rules on how you act.

You have a right to be sad and unhappy. I would try to hold down on tears and not say anything bad about the stbx around the kids. You two still have to communicate with some civility. No snide remarks at each other. Certainly no yelling and fighting. Always keep your kids in your mind when dealing with an ex.

Business like sounds good to me.

you treat her like a co-worker. professional, with manners, but without gushing.  act friendly and helpful, without crossing boundaries.

but you shouldn't say anything negative about her to the kids...even if they prompt it.