How do you stop feeing bitter?

Personnally, I don't feel bitter, as I told the stbxw it was her choice not mine.  What I do feel is relief, yes relief for now I don't have to pretend to like her family but she is stuck with them for the rest of their lives.  Yes their was anger and hurt because they managed to convince the stbxw that they would live in the basement and help with the bills.  This too shall pass and hopefully soon I will not have to ever see all of them again.  That is the best feeling that gets me through each day.  Bitter? why be bitter?  The past is what it is.  The future is unwritten and today is all we have.  I choose forgiveness but not forgetfullness and love for each day I am granted above all.

I'm wishing I could be on the FAST track of being rid of anger.  I just cannot seem to get past...all the lies, cheating, looking like a fool, and hurt he has caused me.  24 years is a long time to be married to just be dumped after two weeks of vacation to calif. and bills to match.  He left after returning home 1 week later, he didnt look back. He was re-married 13 mo after separation.  Thank goodness we do not live in the same town now.

I think the bitterness ebs and flows. Sometimes I will tell my stbx off in my head, I have even written letters that I will never send. It seems to help me to let go of the bitterness and move on.

It's true that it varies according to the situation and individual temperament, and there are many mitigating factors.  For my friend she hasn't let her bitterness poison her life or her relationship with her now grown kids, but it will haunt her till the day she dies.   Her grandson once asked her, "wasn't there something you liked about grandpa? (her ex)   You must have liked something about him to marry him and stay with him as long as you did?"  She thought about it long and hard and couldn't think of anything.   That's rough.  I have another friend who's going through a very ugly divorce and custody battle right now and she's pretty upbeat about it.  She says that's just her nature---she's naturally upbeat.  Unfortunately I'm a glass half empty type so it's harder for me.  I do try however, don't think that I'm sitting here stewing in my bitter juices.  I get out there and make a lot of efforts but sometimes it gets the better of me.  I'm human I guess.

I was angry and it got me thru my divorce process. I was married for 33 years. It wasn't all bad and that 33 years has shaped my future. I'm just not a person to hold anger and have a grudge against anyone.

I let go of the anger when I no longer needed it. I don't hate my ex. He has problems like everyone else. Just his problems were not what I wanted in my life and I never expected him to change so I chose to get out of our marriage.

If I had not had my ex in my life I wouldn't have all the great things in my life now.  Those are things he had and introduced to me. For that I will always be grateful.

I simply refuse to be bitter and angry. We have that choice. My life is now mine and I will live it happily to the best of my ability. My choices in my own way without anger and bittness.

Great questions.  I agree with BlueB, that maybe the answer is apathy.  I have decided for me is to not let my stbx ruin my memories or let her convince me that the time together was a waste.  In addition to my great kids, I have a lot to be proud of and now matter what she says or does now will not let me regret the past 15 years.  That is how I am letting go and turning my focus on the future.

You're so right about it being like a war. I read somewhere that in some cases, people get PTSS-like symptoms form divorce. I can believe that.
I, too, am worried that I will not be able to let this bitterness go. My mother in law, who is my biggest supporter, told me that being bitter is part of the healing process. She says I have a right to be bitter and angry as long as I don't let it consume me. She said everyone lets go in their own time. She told me that I need the anger and bitterness right now to survive because they are motivating in their own way.
My heart goes out to you. I've had a little taste of parental alienation here lately. I try so hard to keep my children out of all this drama. HE, OTOH, is doing the opposite. I hope I will be able to raise my kids to have enough common sense to see through the games.
Keep posting! I really like your blogs. Take care.

What's done is done...you can either spend your time yelling and screaming at the person for yanking the rug out from underneath you, or you can work on getting back on your feet again.  Once you realize that you cannot change the past and that the future is in your hands, and nobody else's, then the easier it is to get past the bitterness.

There are a lot of things in this world that you can't control, but the one thing you can control is how you react to those tihngs.  You may not have wanted a divorce or, at least, a complicated divorce.  Maybe it was a war, and a slug fest, and a battle for every piece of property you had.  It's over now...the paperwork is done, the dust settled, and now it's time to move on.  Yes, the battle hurt...there may even be more battles ahead, especially if you have small children.  But, at the end of the day, you need to fight those battles as they come...the battles that happened before are over...not that they should be forgotten, but remembered for the LESSONS they taught you, not the emotional havoc the battle created.

So again, if you're plagued by anger and bitterness, you have to ask yourself what do you gain by being angry over things that cannot be changed?  Using the case of your friend, what use is there in lamenting 30 lost years?  Those years cannot be gotten back...but the next 30 years?  That's up to her how she spends them with her children.  She can choose to be angry about not seeing her children's first step, first day of school, first words...or she can make new memories with them.  She can hold them and hug them and say how much she loves them...and they will know that to be true!  Which would you rather dwell on?

I wish you luck in your quest...and I hope you can find a way forward without bitterness and anger.

The answer and path to getting beyond the bitterness is varied and different for everyone...it will depend on their circumstances and experiences.  You're right...some divorces are like war and, in their own way, cause their own lasting damages to the psyche.  It's all in the way you cope, and that's different for different people.

I can't say how you can get past the bitterness, other than to say that what does holding onto that baggage do for you?  You first have to WANT to let go of your anger and your bitterness.  Some people hold onto those feelings for so long, they don't know how to go through life feeling any other way.

I was cheated on by my wife.  I can't forgive her for it, but I refuse to be bitter about it, and I've let go of my anger...it's been replaced with apathy.  I don't care what she does anymore.  I don't love her and I don't hate her.  I have chosen to move on and move past this.  I mourned the loss of my marriage; I cried my bitter tears; I tried my best to save what was not savable.  I'm just done with it now...it is what it is.  Perhaps it's easier for me because I don't have children, and after we get out of the house, I don't ever have to see her or talk to her again.  Even if I did, I could be cordial and polite to her, but I don't care about her anymore.

I can't say what the point was for me when I let go of my anger and bitterness, or how exactly I did it.  I guess the best way to explain it was that I felt that being angry at her for causing my pain wouldn't help me get past it...it would keep me stuck and mired in my pain.  I had to work on ME, and forget about HER.  Blaming someone for your unhappiness and pain is easy to do...especially since you've used them as a crutch and support for so many years before the suddenly pulled the rug out from underneath you.  (Continued)