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How do you stop feeing bitter?
My last blog about revenge or forgiveness has elicted a large response on Divorce360.com. The amount of pain and bitterness poured out is stunning. Mostly from women. I’m sure men feel the same way, but it seems to be women who pour it out. I know bitterness is a bad thing, but if you’re still in the midst of a nasty divorce or custody battle with your ex, especially about children, I wonder how you stop feeling bitter. When parental alienation is involved bitterness seemingly can be permanent. I know the comparison is extreme, but people who go through wars are sometimes permanently traumatized. Divorce can be like a war, and the trauma can deeply imprinted on your psyche.
I have a friend whose ex kidnapped her children and turned them against her. This was 30 years ago–she was estranged from them during their entire childhood. They’re now grown and she has a relationship with them and they realize their father fed them a crock of bull about her. But how do you not be bitter about losing your children’s childhood? It hasn’t totally poisoned her life. She’s gone on to have a career and re-marry, but never had more children. She suffers from depression, but who knows if that’s the reason.
I am wishing I could stop being bitter and worried I will feel this way forever.
by
EricaManfred
254 Posts
Posted on
11/17/2008 10:03 AM
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Tags:
bitterness
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parental alienation
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parental kidnapping
Answers for "
How do you stop feeing bitter?
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827 Posts
Personnally, I don't feel bitter, as I told the stbxw it was her choice not mine. What I do feel is relief, yes relief for now I don't have to pretend to like her family but she is stuck with them for the rest of their lives. Yes their was anger and hurt because they managed to convince the stbxw that they would live in the basement and help with the bills. This too shall pass and hopefully soon I will not have to ever see all of them again. That is the best feeling that gets me through each day. Bitter? why be bitter? The past is what it is. The future is unwritten and today is all we have. I choose forgiveness but not forgetfullness and love for each day I am granted above all.
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Jamesalone
827 Posts
Posted on 11/27/2008 9:18 PM
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9 Posts
I'm wishing I could be on the FAST track of being rid of anger. I just cannot seem to get past...all the lies, cheating, looking like a fool, and hurt he has caused me. 24 years is a long time to be married to just be dumped after two weeks of vacation to calif. and bills to match. He left after returning home 1 week later, he didnt look back. He was re-married 13 mo after separation. Thank goodness we do not live in the same town now.
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greencat65
9 Posts
Posted on 11/17/2008 11:16 PM
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163 Posts
I think the bitterness ebs and flows. Sometimes I will tell my stbx off in my head, I have even written letters that I will never send. It seems to help me to let go of the bitterness and move on.
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mominny
163 Posts
Posted on 11/17/2008 7:37 PM
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254 Posts
It's true that it varies according to the situation and individual temperament, and there are many mitigating factors. For my friend she hasn't let her bitterness poison her life or her relationship with her now grown kids, but it will haunt her till the day she dies. Her grandson once asked her, "wasn't there something you liked about grandpa? (her ex) You must have liked something about him to marry him and stay with him as long as you did?" She thought about it long and hard and couldn't think of anything. That's rough. I have another friend who's going through a very ugly divorce and custody battle right now and she's pretty upbeat about it. She says that's just her nature---she's naturally upbeat. Unfortunately I'm a glass half empty type so it's harder for me. I do try however, don't think that I'm sitting here stewing in my bitter juices. I get out there and make a lot of efforts but sometimes it gets the better of me. I'm human I guess.
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EricaManfred
254 Posts
Posted on 11/17/2008 2:02 PM
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2829 Posts
I was angry and it got me thru my divorce process. I was married for 33 years. It wasn't all bad and that 33 years has shaped my future. I'm just not a person to hold anger and have a grudge against anyone.
I let go of the anger when I no longer needed it. I don't hate my ex. He has problems like everyone else. Just his problems were not what I wanted in my life and I never expected him to change so I chose to get out of our marriage.
If I had not had my ex in my life I wouldn't have all the great things in my life now. Those are things he had and introduced to me. For that I will always be grateful.
I simply refuse to be bitter and angry. We have that choice. My life is now mine and I will live it happily to the best of my ability. My choices in my own way without anger and bittness.
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trisha9054
2829 Posts
Posted on 11/17/2008 1:27 PM
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