Why wouldn't he change for me?

Thank you for your comments on my situation.  Baddlizz & DonnaH were received with warm of understanding.  Spaznskitz....a little cold...you must be a male.

I didn't marry to change my husband...I just wanted the man I married ten years ago back. HE changed over the past decade...and I tried to cope & adjust to the change.  I found myself among the living dead.

Been there and doing that... my ex too after 10yrs decided to see what else was out there. He too had a "serendipity" moment by running into his highschool sweetheart and they have rekindled their everlasting love for one another, yuck! I have spent many days and nights wondering why, I see that he has changed a lot of things about himself for this woman and I used to ask why he couldn't do that for me, hell we have a house, kids etc. However, I have been learning and thinking a lot lately and my conclusions are this 1) the changes that they exhibit now may not last as they are just a facade in their infatuation for one another, or 2) they really are growing from being in a relationship with us and this new person just happens to be someone who can bring out those qualities we so desparately sought. I like to believe the latter, believe it or not. I was in your shoes the last 3months. I just now have begun to realize, what a blessing it is for him and I to have moved on. I am realizing things for myself I never thought possible and for once in my life am making myself happy. I actually look at him now and am happy to see him happy. I love him to much to continue to see him sad and depressed which is what he was the last 3yrs of our relationship. Despite my efforts there was absolutely nothing I could have done to make him happy. I think men reach a point when they are just gone from the relationship and there is nothing we can do. Its not a knock on us, it just that our time has passed. As much as we don't want our time to pass it has to, it does, so that you both can be happy. As angry and hurt and confused as I was, and still have my days when I feel that way, it has definitely gotten better for me. So you will too! When you start focusing on yourself and doing what makes you happy, it diminishes the negativity of this situation and allows you to move on!

It hurts all over.  I know the desire to have him make the changes that you think he can, but the reality is that we are all individuals with the right to do as we please.
I really understand the professional with the game face.  In my case I am a therapist who has to see many people all day long who expect me and need me to be at the top of my game.  We are not at the top of our games and pretending only prolongs the pain- in my opinion.  Accepting the grief as it comes and staying busy building your life is the way to get through it.  At least that is what is helping me right now.

I'm going to go off your title...."why wouldn't he change"

simply put, because he shouldn't have to.

People should not marry with the expectation something should or will change once that document is signed, or that one or the other is now obligated to be someone they haven't been, simply because vows were taken.

 

You married a man who had a set way of doing things, and you figured over time you could convince him your way of doing things is better - well, it may be better to you, but it is not true to who he is/was...and you suffered as a result.

You need to move on and find someone who accepts you as you are, and more importantly, you can accept as they are for the long haul.

The hurt takes time to get over, but you will.