Need to Learn How to Say No & " I come First Now!"

It is not hard at all.  It is easy. You just take the time to answer one Q: before you agree to do ANYTHING for anyone but yourself.

Is this conflicting with what I want/need to do right now? if yes then say no.

Birdy, I'm the same way.  As much as I can't stand her, I still do things for her.  I don't know if it's habit, or if it's still the way she is manipulating and controlling me.  She knows I don't want to hurt her, and she uses that to control me.  Like JHS said, I think counseling is the best way to take your life back.  Do you have a counselor?

You have to know there is no easy answer. I've been in counseling for 6 months and it's just starting to "take".

My first big "put yourself first" thing was in deciding the marriage was done. It wasn't making me happy; quite the contrary, it was making me very depressed. It did help that my STBX was in the same state, unhappy and depressed, so I can't honestly say I made the decision just because of me.

But after several more visits to my counselor, I believe I would make that decision today regardless. Because I do deserve some happiness and joy in my life.

I think one key point I've finally "gotten" is that putting yourself first is not "selfish". Only caring about you is, though. The distinction (and the hard part) is putting you first, but still caring about others.

The other key point is that it's OK to say "no" when what you are being asked to do compromises yourself. I didn't say that correctly, but I can't put the feeling in words very well. If you know you are being used by someone for their convenience, "just say no". Unless, of course, your personal happiness is based on being a doormat for others to walk on. Sure hope that isn't the case!

Albeit I was leaning a bit in that direction before I started to learn from my counselor. And I learned that instead of making me feel "useful", that behavior was denigrating my feeling of self-worth, my self-esteem. So we worked on self-esteem a bit, and I finally "got it".

There are several good self-help workbooks on Amazon.com that can kick-start you in the right direction. If counseling isn't an option, check them out.

I hope some of this rambling helps at least a little. It's not easy to break that behavior pattern. But it can be done. And you'll like yourself a whole lot more after you do.

Best wishes, and take care.

I know how you feel  because I was like you for 26 years.You and only you can put yourself first.I did and believe me it gets easier as days go by.I've always been the giver in my marriage but now I want to be the receiver.I know that I deserve to put myself first and when you get to the point of feeling like that you will change.I feel  strong and I can truly say that I like the woman that I am now.I'm proud to know that I'll never let myself down.I'm here anytime you need to talk.God Bless and remember only the strong survive