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How do you men deal with another man moving into your home and becoming the new daddy?

I feel like exploding some days.  My wife of 16 years asked me to move out of the house "so she could have some time to herself".  I refused and after pressing the issue for a month learned she was having an affair with a man 9 years her junior.  This man was a teacher for one of my kids.  We put the house up for sale and in todays market it isn't going anywhere.  I moved out and let my wife stay at the house with my three kids.  My kids were and still are tremendous kids and I was hell bent on not making their lives any worse than it has already become.  I live in CA so this is a no fault state.  I found out soon that within days of me leaving the new boytoy has been staying there.  He shows up to my kids sproting games when I am at another kids function.  Everywhere I go, everyone has met this guy and he now lives at my house.  We have bee seperated for 3 months and I just can't understand how anyone can do what has been done to me and the kids.  The kids, though older, are shocked but seem to be accepting their new life and it is killing me from the inside out.  My esx never worked a day in her life and I always supported  my family and NEVER strayed from my wife.  What the hell?  How do you keep your insanity in a situation like this?  HELP
by Rye   5 Posts 
Posted on 11/10/2008 5:40 PM
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Answers for "How do you men deal with another man moving into your home and becoming the new daddy?"  (6) (You must be logged in to answer)

ummmmmmmmmmm I'm an attorney here in CA - fathers get 50/50 and more all the time...don't make assumptions on things like that when you have never personally experienced the process.

 



 
by spaznskitz   4946 Posts
Posted on 11/11/2008 3:49 PM
0



Do I really have a chance to get custody of the kids?  I live in Ca.  This state isn't exactly friendly to us Dad's.  I am just so torn on how much to put my kids through.  She raised them all their lives as an at home mom.  She WAS a good mother to them and to her credit, raised incredible kids.  It makes this whole episode that much more shocking.  She did finally get a part time job.  She just has so much control over them because she was the rock of the family.  She just turned into a different person over a year ago.  What do I do?  Kids are 16,14,11
by Rye   5 Posts
Posted on 11/11/2008 11:33 AM
0



Check out spaz's parenting plan. Sounds like you better start protecting yourself. Gather proof that he is living there with her and the kids. If you handle things right you will get custody or he will move out .
It takes time to get over the hurt..it will get better. Right now focus on getting some legal documents drawn...take care of you and the kids!
by mtnvly   2544 Posts
Posted on 11/10/2008 8:12 PM
0



two words -

morals clause

neither parent is allowed to have a member of the opposite sex with the children overnight unless related by blood or marriage.

That means he still can show up at events - you can't control his being around the kids during the day - but you have every right to insist the children are around a moral home at night.

Get your divorce started asap - here is a link to the comprehensive parenting plan I wrote - please feel free to use it and edit it as it pertains to your situation.

 

I strongly suggest 50/50 shared physical & legal custody. 

Comprehensive Parenting Plan
by spaznskitz   4946 Posts
Posted on 11/10/2008 6:42 PM
0



Your words are encouraging.  I have been doing all that you stated, though it is REALLY difficult sometimes.  Here are other things thrown in my face to add to it all:

His dog and my dog had puppies 3 weeks ago (Remember I left the house 3 months ago)

He bought one of my kids a new dog 2 weeks after I moved out.

My wife is asking me if I want most of the furniture because what I'm finding out, they are redecorating the house.

Now..what little credit I can give to my ex...I have the kids whenever I want and we have already agreed on custudy to be joint....that all I can come up with. 

She just seems to pretend that she has done nothing wrong.  I don't have any singel friends and since she had alot of this stuff planned for months, has left me with no social corners to turn to.  I am really close to her brother but she is kicking and screaming that he remain loyal to her.  We are still very close but he is not someone I can vent to about his own sister.  She is a very calculating, vindictive,... What the heck was I thinking 16 years ago...I don't know.
by Rye   5 Posts
Posted on 11/10/2008 6:22 PM
0



The secret is to disconnect from the grind of the drama on your psyche - and yes, it's much easier said than done.  Do you have a good friend to talk to?  If not, having a therapist isn't a stigma unless you make it one.  The 'other man' was looking for a meal ticket and some serious domesticity obviously.... and clearly must have found it - but how that can be when she doesn't/hasn't worked is beyond me.  My situation was different because she was working and the 'other man' wasn't.  The behavior is disgraceful regardless and you've known it from the beginning - and although your kids are shocked and likely not to say anything cross about their mother, they know it's wrong too.  You will be the bigger person and this will be how you will 'deal' - the reverse karma will visit her in time, and then the truth will come - it doesn't make it easy to wait, but remember that this kick of karma will be stronger than a kick from any horse.  Don't buy into the drama, don't drive by the house, don't dwell or wallow.... and 'act as if' whenever you get the chance - even if you burn like hell inside.  It will bother her more if there is no reaction at all.  Good luck.
by Goose   4 Posts
Posted on 11/10/2008 6:07 PM
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