Ask or telling him to leave???

Hi, I posted last week about my spouse who has long-term depression, lost his job several months ago and is in therapy that started as couples counseling but changed to individual for him per our counselor. In a nutshell, I think I've hit a wall. I don't feel like he is trying with me at all. He's barely trying with the kids (3 young children). I set up date nights but he doesn't want to do that. He doesn't have actual conversations with me. Says he can't engage with me right now. When I'm doing things, i.e. shopping or cooking, I try to make or buy things he'll like - I don't get anything like that from him right now. He is a very handsome guy who has always had women after him - thinks sex and intimacy are the same thing. Obviously we aren't having either. Apparently he also can't do much around the house - although he would say he is. I guess I'm tired of being responsible for meal planning, groceries, cleaning the house, laundry, the kid's homework, and trying to fake it like everything is OK. Oh and I work full-time and have another part-time job because we are in such financial trouble due to his lay-off and his expensive tastes in toys (which we were working on paying off prior to his multiple job changes over the last 2 years). I lost my temper the other night and called him on the phone (inappropriate I know) and told him to either figure out how to help me and contribute more or he should leave. That way I'm not expecting help, not getting it, getting frustrated and losing my mind! So - I'm thinking of pushing him today to say either work on our marriage more with me - like date nights and helping out - or go live elsewhere. I'm looking for advice 'cause I'm having a conversation with him today or tonight. Thanks MommaT

by MommaT 12 Posts
Posted on 11/5/2008 10:31 AM

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Answers for "Ask or telling him to leave???" (2) (You must be logged in to answer)

My heart goes out to you MommaT. Your situation sounds very similar to my life years ago when the kids were little. The only differences were that he has always been employed and his disease is related to beer. A few times I did tell him I wanted out, he straightened out for a while, and now we are nearing 30 years together. One thing I do on a fairly regular basis now is write him a letter to let him know what is bothering me. That seems to work better than talking to him. Maybe you could try the same, and mention your vows in the letter too (thnx BlueB) - he needs to do his part, which would also help treat his depression. BTW - having dealt with depression myself, I can tell you some medications can turn you into a zombie. If your husband is on one, he may check with his doctor to try something different. What works for one, doesn't always for another. For now, let him know your feelings, either in person or in writing. I reread your post and didn't see you say you do or don't love him. If you still do, let him know that. But marriage is a partnership, and if you have to do 60-70% of the work right now, you are willing to, but he has to try.
I am not sure this helps, but it is how I have dealt with my situation. Good luck tonight with whatever you choose to do. Keep us posted. You are in my thoughts.

by PinkCloud 15 Posts
Posted on 11/5/2008 11:46 AM

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Is he on medication for the depression? Have you asked your therapist what to expect from his depression? Don't get me wrong, my stbx is depressed, and I once had a therapist who told me that she was an anchor that would drown us both...perhaps that the same case here, but he is going to counseling for it. Progress with depression takes time...the question is, do you have the time and the patience to get through this? Think back to your vows...in sickness and in health. Tell me, would you be looking to abandon him if he had an arm amputated, or fell into a coma?

I'm not saying this to be a jerk...I went through a phase with my stbx where I felt guilty because she was suffering from depression, but the breaking point for me was when she had the second affair...if she was well enough to pursue other relationships, she was well enough to work on ours, and she chose not to. But, if she was depressed and just not functional...my reaction might have been different.

My point is that make sure that you don't have regrets later. If you deliver an ultimatum when he's not equipped to deal with it emotionally, it may send him into a worse spiral down and cause him to retreat further into himself to the point of non-functioning. I would consult with your counselor to figure out the best way of doing this...I understand your frustration and your need to move on, I do...but you don't want to make a bad situation worse, either. Good luck to you!!!

by BlueB 1227 Posts
Posted on 11/5/2008 10:58 AM

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