How many times? When is enough, enough?

keep a record of everything she says and does. if she becomes violent call the police. this will give you the police reports to take to court too. also when she flips out record the fight so you have that as well. protect yourself and your future my friend.
good luck and god bless

Hi, I have to say I love what BlueB had to say.  Control is the operative word here. My goodness this women is using everything trick in the book. She will commit suicide if you leave! Hell she has been commiting slow suicide for the past several years.  Its clear that you can't control her and its not your job, its hers. I think you are in a pretty good position, at least with your kids. The youngest one would could be heard directly by the court as to who he wanted to live with, as he is of age.  Thats one headache out of the way.  She reminds me so much of my "former roomate, refuses to get in a program, claiming friends or associates might find out.  Meanwhile you get to live in this living hell, for what?  So she can save face. Its all nonsense she didn't want help and neither does yours.  Thank God u love yourself as much as u seem to love her.  Of course if you don't still love her, your sense of decency still makes it difficult for you to see her in pain.  But once u steel yourself against her greatest weopon, tears u will gain strength each time u don't give in and stay the course.  
        Getting rid of this toxin in your life will be the greatest gift you will ever give yourself.  The added bonus is that it demonstrates to your sons that you don't have to tolerate this abuse.  Unfortunately 
what they witnessed so far is that this is acceptable behavoir because you have endured this insanity for so long they may believe this is some how normal. But I think u are on the right track.   
                       This to me was the toughest part of getting a divorce if u still have love for this person, u are better off if they have simply worn it out of you. Which is possible since love needs nurturing it can't survive in a vacumm, hell then its just a habit u can't break.        Thank God

I'll ditto BlueB to a "T". (Wow, I'm a poet...NOT!)

The scenario he paints fits me and my STBX. I didn't realize how controlling she was until I started taking anti-depressants and seeing a counselor. Mine used guilt, threats, and self-denigration to make me feel sorry for her. After way too many years, I couldn't take it anymore, even though I didn't understand what "it" was.

For me, even though I do care very much about her and her happiness, I realize what is, and is not, my "fault". And I now know that the majority of what she blamed me for wasn't. It was her, or our dynamic (shared "blame" or "responsibility", depending on your viewpoint). Once that became clear to me, it was (relatively) easy to let go of the relationship that wasn't.

I suggest you report the suicide threats to the authorities. Not sure to whom or how, as I've never been there. But having a record may prove useful in the future. Remember her threat about lifetime support. After 23 years, she probably has a point, but her behavior and mental condition may have some effect on how much.

WRT the "I'll stop if you stay", turn it around and call her bluff by saying something like "I won't leave if you stop". Maybe "OK, stop NOW (remaining booze goes down the drain). If you get drunk again, I will leave." My bet is there won't be much disruption in your time-line towards divorce.

Take care.

Understand two things.  First, she's using guilt and threats to control you.  This will only work so long as you care.  When you stop caring, she will no longer have control over you.  I know it's tough because you do care about her, but as long as you do, she'll take your kindness for weakness and exploit it for her own selfish purposes.  She doesn't really care about you...if she did, she wouldn't be doing this to you.  She only cares about you in that you take care of her...if you didn't, she wouldn't give you the time of day.

Second thing you have to understand is that you can't control her or her actions...only you and yours.  You've tolerated her behavior because you've made excuses for her...it's her mental illness talking, so it's not really her fault, or it's the booze talking, not her.  I want to share with you a piece of advice I got from the first therapist I went to see who made an evaluation on my situation (my wife is very similar to yours in a lot of respects).  She said to me, "I feel so sorry for you.  It sounds like she's an anchor that will drown you both."  Those words always stuck with me, and it's true.  She may have a mental illness, but she feels she doesn't have a problem and refuses to get help for it.  That isn't your problem...that's her decision.  And, so long as she doesn't get help, it will continue to be not only her problem, but yours as long as you stay with her.  I know it's painful, but this is about self-preservation.  You have to cut the anchor loose so YOU can survive.

I think you're beginning to realize that and you want a way out without feeling guilty for abandoning her when she clearly needs help.  First, you need to recognize that YOU'VE done all you can here...if she doesn't want help, then that's on her.  Second, you need to start cutting yourself off from her emotionally.  She can't control you if you don't care anymore.  It will hurt like hell, but you have to cut her loose emotionally.  I wish you luck!!!

Wow,  I just wrote a blog questioning if anyone were in the position of needing to leave but living with the fear of the ex doing something to their self.  I guess there is,  It is very difficult, u know that you have to leave or u will drown with them, but the fear and guilt of the "what if"  they do something, makes it very difficult.  I know another man in a very similiar situation with the fear of having to support her the rest of their life because of the mental illness.  Does she have a confirmed diagnosis?  I know this may sound bad to some people that we worry about the finacial reprecussions because of them being mentally ill, but it is a cold reality.  Mine has done so much damage in 2 years, have u ran into problems with finances because of her mental illness?  I know my friend is ok financially,  but only because he has a very good business, but says it is always something with her and feels she is draining money somehow all the time.
If u think about it from your kids side, even thou u want them to love their mom, they need to look to u to show good decision making,  as she probably isnt capable of it.  Hang in there, come here to share with people that truly understand where u are and where u are going.

You are in a very tough situation.  This is a high mountain that you are starting to climb. Stay strong for your kids.  Take Care.