What Does Erectile Dysfunction Really Mean?

KV I can appreciate how you told your boyfriend how you feel. If I had a girlfriend and had an issue about something I hope I could be graceful about talking them. 34 yrs old is not old, it sounds to me he is insecure. You portray yourself as a selfish immature individual who only cares about what you want to go through. Maybe that is what landed you into divorce court to start with. I have my opinions and I have learned in life to walk softly around people because you don't know what battles they are going thru. If you are having an intimate relationship with this man how can you throw him under the bus about his problem. If all you want is a good night in bed then go buy you a piece of a** and quit playing with other peoples emotions. Now if you want to have a comitted relationship with this man then grow up and start supporting him through this and quit the emotional crap and be a woman to your man. He needs a woman not a child with three other children. Well I told you how I feel and I hope you are not upset by this since you seem to care so little for other peoples emotions and feelings. This man cares about you and this is how you treat him??

KV, if my opinion counts, I am 37 was married to a much younger woman. She still is very attractive and the sex was good, and sometimes it was great. The mind really does this, and in my experience, my stbx never initiated sex, and that was a real turn off, because any other relationship, I was in I and my partner both initiated. Maybe he doesn't feel confident, and you could help with that.

There are a few key things that you have to consider. Men are mostly visually stimulated, so that's where the porn thing comes in. That's why so many guys do the internet porn thing. I used to do things like , turn the lights on, and my stbx got into that as well. But then after three children, she didn't like her body as much, and started covering up, even when I would walk in to the bathroom, while she was bathing. I don't need to know what you do personally, but a good a good BJ (excuse me) with eye contact should do the trick. That would help with the visual issues.

With the not being able to finish the deal there are a few tricks that I have learned, about the multiple male orgasm, that really work. When a man my age seals his deal, it's usually over for about twenty five minutes. I am serious though, a man of his age shouldn't have problems like you describe, and it could be a physical one, so a good trip to the doctor, could, and should, resolve them. Good Luck!

It has to be 1 of 2 things here:
1) He is not sexually attracted to you or
2) He actually has a physical problem while he is sexually attracted to you.
I fell in to category 1 above.
But it's more than you might think. The reason I was no longer sexually attracted to my soon to be ex is that she hurt me emotionally over the years and eventually a switch went off where I didn't want to be with her anymore. That is how I justify it anyway because I don't think I'll be having that problem once I decide to start dating again.
I am NOT saying this is your reason.
I am saying there may be a reason, on his part, that you may be unaware of.
I wish you nothing but the best; I hope everything works out for you.

The other thing I'm realizing is that this is a process and it may turn out that this doesn't last.  The point is to be open to what comes and to treat him with respect and love, even if I'm not happy with the results.  That, for me, is the lesson, living in this moment and not forecasting one possible future that may or may not come.

I agree with you that it was really harsh.  I apologized for that and took a step back.  This morning was a much better morning and it did boil down to exactly what you alluded to.  I assumed that it should be a certain way when really it's about connection.  I forgot about that part.  We'll see how it goes.  Thanks for the advice!

He feels more inadequate with each time you tell him that you should simply be enough for him to be hard in an instant and you shouldn't have to work as hard as you are.

Now, I am NOT saying that you should coddle him and put him on some sort of pedestal and idolize him or anything like that, but you're words were cutting into him deeply by insinuating that he doesn't find you attractive and that he should find you absolutely attractive to be hard on the spot and be able to finish the job.

Your first comment to him about it being a problem was fine to say...but what came next was damn harsh in my opinion. It could have been worded more along the lines of asking if there was something you could look into as a couple to help overcome this problem, not question how much he does/doesn't feel sexually attracted to you.

Saying that there is a problem, that you'd like things to be smoother, that you feel inadequate/frustrated that what you think should be happening isn't, is okay, but I guess with the way I am, I would have looked into ED, discussed it in a way that was "Can I help you with this problem?" instead of "there's a problem because you should just be hard by looking at me if you really were 'into' me/loved me/etc."

I don't know what else to tell you, but I fully believe that maybe by offering to help him with this and research ED and symptoms with him, you could make it through this and even have a stronger bond than before. By being more supportive, even though it's frustrating, you could help him overcome this, whether it's by Viagra, counseling (for himself and his what seems like low-self-esteem/worry about aging/children, etc.) or ending the relationship.

Please, though, stop assuming that if a man is 'into' a woman he should be hard immediately - that's not how sexuality really works. Put it on the other foot...what if he said the same things to you because you were 'dry' and had to use lubrication?

Good luck though!

He might actually have ED.

I am not meaning to be harsh, but I think you were a little too harsh in your question to him and I can soooo see why he was hurt. No, a woman should NOT just have to make him hard by him looking at her. NO you should not be JUST ENOUGH to get him hard.

I don't know exactly how to explain my thoughts in just one response, but I will try...

Your bf has not only this "feeling old" problem, which is probably inhibiting his brain from getting into the sexual 'zone' so to speak, but if he isn't getting hard simply by your touch/massaging, he may actually have blood flow problems.

You have to think about this in terms also of women and their lubrication...how many times do women get 'dry' and need lubrication for intercourse even though they are turned on? A heck of a lot!!! It is a medical condidtion that causes the nerves to not respond to the brain when it should.

I have a hard time with the thought process that a man should be hard right on the spot and it shouldn't take carressing and such. That's a pretty harsh thing that you are telling him that YOU should be enough and you shouldn't have to try (at least that's the way it comes across).

If it's a big deal for you, then it's time to let go.

Some of it may be mental in regards to feeling old and wanting children, but if he allready had a hard time staying hard and having an orgams, he really needs to go to a physician (preferably a Urologist) and have a physical done to rule out a medical condition (diabetes causes ED and other medical problems) and then work on the mental health aspect. Viagra can help, but there are also such simple things as vitamins that can help a problem such as this.

I DO NOT believe it is totally mental with the way you've described it but when you shame him into thinking that you believe he thinks of you less sexually appealing than he tells you and tries to show you, then you deepen the problem. (continued)

Thanks everyone for the advice.  I've really never had this sort of thing happen.  When we first started dating, he had no troubles staying hard but had issues with "closing the deal" and then it evolved to both.  Size has never been an issue for me.  I believe it's not the size but what you do with it that counts.  I believe it is totally a mind thing and maybe a part of it is that he's 34 and wants children (he's never had any) and I'm 30 and I have 3 children with my ex) and he says alot, "I'm 34 and I don't have children and you're 30 and you have 3.  You don't know what that feels like."  I guess I don't but between that and his "feeling old", and then his feeling like I'm so independent, I don't know, it's getting to be a drag.  I married early and now that I know who I am and I know what I want, I find myself asking, "Is this what I want to be dealing with at this point?"  

Last night I said to him, "If I'm not enough to get you hard, there's a real problem here.  It takes too much work to get you hard when I should be enough" and he got really hurt by that and said, "I thought you liked the work.  I guess not."  

Not the right thing to say?  But it's how I feel.  

If a man's really into a woman, shouldn't he be hard on sight?  Does it take all of that massaging and caressing to make things happen?  I really don't know.

At 34, if he is in good health otherwise, I'd suspect he's having some other issue.

Judging from your avatar, you are a very attractive woman, so I doubt that would be the problem.  A year is a long time for a guy to suffer with such a problem too, I'd say.

Has he been to a doctor?  That would be a good place to begin looking for a solution because I'd think this would be bothering him a LOT.  Good luck!

Hey KV, fascinating question.

I'm kind of with James on this.  I basically can't do it with my wife.  It's entirely mental.  Because otherwise, I'm as horny as I was when I was 20 -- just ask my hand.  He'll tell ya.

Well that sounds horrifying.  The only times we do have sex is when, for some reason or other, I suddenly see her objectively and my hindbrain notices she is just as hot as when we met.

But usually, baggage gets in my way, and in the end, making love to her is impossible because it's like making her a promise i don't feel 100% comfortable about.

I'm also kind of disgusted with her behavior and that's a real turnoff.

I don't know if any of this would apply.  I also don't know if he might have hangups about it or some emotional trouble he isn't discussing with you, or he is but isn't making the connection.

To be perfectly frank, based on the photo you have chosen to bless us men with, if he can't get it up for you then there's something really wrong and there are deep emotional reasons for it.  I did once know a guy who was so afraid a girl would make fun of his equipment that he was too nervous to perform.  Does he seem nervous around you a lot, like he lacks self-confidence that he feels he can't please you?

Aside on that topic:  I've noted several times some incredibly callous comments by certain d360 women about 'size' that, if a man had said the equivalent thing about a woman, would cause an uproar and be flagged and removed.  At least I know who the shallow people are, though.  "By their fruits ye shall know them."

Good luck with that, but this is the kind of thing it will be difficult for any man to discuss honestly with you.  Lord knows I can't.

All my best K.......

And that's exactly where I am in terms of the whole thing.  His journey is his journey and I'm really not sure that's a journey I'm willing, at this point (I'm 30), to go on.  I already did the being married for 10 years and then divorced.  I think he probably needs to deal with his issues in his own way.  Thanks for all of the advice.

I agree with Jamesalone; the mind is the key. Until physical issues set in. But that doesn't normally happen at 34, and if it has, don't plan on him being around much longer, because his circulatory system is about to crash and burn.

With my STBX, I couldn't "get it up" long enough to get the job done. And kissing her caused no "stir" at all. I think that was a "mind" thing. Never got the chance to try it with Viagra, as she wouldn't cooperate with the "lead time", but I suspect the result wouldn't have been stupendous.

With my DD, a kiss does cause a real "stir", but I still doubt it'd be good enough to get the job done. Trust me, that's a physical thing my mind has no control over. I'm sure a little blue pill would solve the problem.

But given his age, and all you said, I doubt he's in the same boat I am. It sounds like he's sufficiently "into you", but he's not sufficiently "into himself". I'm referring to things like insecurity and self-confidence.

And I think these are things I think need to be addressed before you should start to believe you've met "Mr. Right".

Take care.

It really does sound like he needs counseling from the mental health field. His mind seems to be playing tricks on him. It sounds like it's telling him if he really connects with you and becomes close to you are you going to start putting him down too.
This will take a lot of patience on your part if you are willing to stay by his side while he heals.
It's like trying to convince your anorexic friend they need to eat.
This is what I see.

I know that if you are honestly into him, (listening without finishing the next sentence) and being close but not to close (not sure about this one it varies), he can relax, then just lean in and if you have to before he does kiss the daylights out of him.  Just my thoughts.

He has a big issue with feeling like people think he can handle things and he's not "stupid."  He was raised by parents who were always trying to tell him how to run his life; he moved in with his ex after only 2 weeks of knowing her and moved into her place and, after a while, lost his job and she began calling him "idiot" and "stupid" and he just seems to be insecure about how people perceive us when we're together (i.e. "People are so drawn to you and they aren't that way with me") and he's obsessed with getting old.  He's only 34 and keeps saying this whole situation is "I'm getting old."  At this point, it's been over a year, I don't know what to think.  I just know that this is a big thing for me and, honestly, it could be a deal breaker.

I think it is mind over matter.  Thanks for the insight!

He's not there -  I know you wanted men only to respond to this but I knew a guy that went through this. (people talk to me a lot)

His mind and heart are not ... ready and or willing ... I am sure if what I've been told is incorrect - there are plenty of men here to contradict or add their opinion.

Some men need security too - what is his previous relationship background? Was he burnt and thrown out by someone? Or did he hurt someone and doesn't know how to heal from it? So many questions the word is Viagra... or healing of the mind

According to the pharma commercials a guy can turn it on and off like a water faucet.  So not true, the mind is the key.  And mens are messed up, (what have I got to fix tomorrow) we are always trying to fix things.  Never had that problem and now know I never will.  It's mind over matter, I don't want to and that is all that matters.  It's the little fellers way of mocking the. gee it's my time of the month.  

Heard that for the 30 days of February once, sorry I couldn't help.  Best of luck.