Question for the Men....

BTW - Maybe this relationship is a rebound for you where you figure things out about yourself and what you want / don't want?  Just a possibility.  I mean, just how deeply do you love him/his soul/etc?  Take some time for you either way.  

                                                 I think we are all half people after divorce in some ways and it's not good to 'find' the missing half.  That could be what you seek and you can find it in yourself.

                                               --- sorry for the pontificating philosophical post.  I guess I am in introspective mode!

I don't agree with talking about it. Why talk about something you definitely know already? Thinking strategically about talking with him is a red flag and you know it! People get so confused when they want something so bad to be a certain way (when it's not sometimes). He obviously cares about you, but if he wanted a stronger commitment, you would know it. Bringing it up, even with a backdoor approach will have your voice and body language all over it and he'll know how serious the question is.           Just make sure you are getting what you want. Great chemistry and need for closeness between two people is an easy, natural thing.         If you must address it, it's better to just be direct and say "I guess I'm ready to commit again and I think you need more time. I am not upset with you and I value our friendship." Give it some time and let him think about things without the pressure of conversation.        Next - why make his agenda more important than yours? As long as you do that, he will always think he can keep this non-commital thing going. But, you have to BELIEVE it to do it. Good luck.        A backdoor strategy achieves nothing. If he says he feels the same way, then what? He'll likely say he values his alone time, blah blah. It's likely because he feels pressure to spend time with you because you are living for him somewhat and not for yourself. Don't repeat mistakes or overcompensate for opposite mistakes in post-divorce life!               My heart really goes out to you.  Hang in there.  Be yourself and stop strategizing.  Just be real.  Think of YOURSELF!!  You speak about yourself in negative terms (don't want to get hurt) and him in positive terms (great guy who deserves your patience and understanding).  Flip flop it and you're good.

I agree with the others, use the backdoor approach keep it light but honest, no ultimatums unless you are at that point.  Guys are rather clueless the simpler the question the easier it will be for him to give an honest and upfront answer.  Hope it works for your good, either way it will settle it for you and ultimately that is the one that you must take care of first.  Be well.

Thank you, guys!  I know that I need to talk about it.. and the back door approach might just be the way to go.  I have kept my feelings in check, because of the conversation we had at first... but, like JHS said it isn't always easy to control them.. and I just might be losing control... lol

But, I'd rather know now than to let them get full force and be disappointed.

Will fill you in when I find out..

Thanks again!

You said "I don't want to get attached and It not be what he wants." Sounds to me like you're ready, and wanting to "get attached". And that's not always an easy thing to control.

I think it's time for another talk. But childless does have a good point about him possibly feeling pressured into saying "I'm ready" when he isn't. I've been out of the "scene" almost as long as you, so this may not be credible advice. But I think I'd try to take a back-door approach. Something like "Hey, you remember a year ago we talked about our expectations? I just wondered if you were still feeling the same way?"

That's about as "low pressure" as I can come up with. If you do it right, he won't know what answer you expect/want. You could be wanting him to say "I feel the same now as I did then." Or you might want "I'm getting ready to be more serious."

A revisiting of the terms is never a bad thing.  The real questions are these: 1.  Do you feel like your stance has changed?  Do you feel you want a more serious relationship?  2.  DO you feel he wants one?  If the answer  to either of these is "yes" then it's a good idea to go back and talk it out.  The important thing is that you're ok with the relationship in whatever state you find it, and don't shift your desires to suit the relationship.  If you're both still good with an open relationship then great, if either of you needs more, then it's either time to change the rules or move on.

It's tough, but I've done it.  Before I was married, I was seeing a girl who asked "Where do you see our relationship."

I, being a guy, said, "I dunno."

She took that as time to tell me what she thought, "I see us as good friends who have really good sex."

In my mind, "I dunno" didn't equal that.  I wanted more, and ended the relationship shortly after.  I was never mad at her, she was honest, at that timeI just wanted something more. 

Decide what you want, and what's important to you, then act accordingly.  Speaking your heart is never a crime.

Raygin, it must be the hardest thing to bring up the "next level" bit.

I guess I would ask, can you make plans to bring it up in such a way that he doesn't feel pressured or on the spot, and that it doesn't sound like an ultimatum?

My fear isn't that he will say "no" or dump you, it's that he will say "yes" before he is ready and hasn't thought it through because suddenly he will feel obligated to do so.

Then, if he's a good man, he will follow that through because he will feel he made a promise, then he will feel trapped and miserable and blame you and he'll be unhappy and you won't know why 'cause he'll never tell you because he doesn't want to hurt you.

I hate to say that's been my experience in marriage.  I wish I could go back and tell her to wait, we shouldn't move in together so fast, we need to get to know each other better....but i didn't.

Best luck.....

Yes, I would definately touch base with him about the status of your relationship...don't assume anything.  Tell him how you have seen the progression of this relationship from your point of view and ask him if he still feels that he wants to be free to date other people or make this a monogamous relationship.  He may try to pass the buck back to you and ask you what you want...so think about that before you answer.  What do YOU want?  Do you want a monogamous relationship with this man or are you wanting just a dating relationship that allows you to date other men?  If you are ready for a monogamous relationship, is he?  And if he isn't, are you willing to be monogamous while he isn't?

There are a lot of questions that need answers to, and you need to be prepared to handle all of them.  But, touching base with him about the status of your relationship is always good...it doesn't have to be an in-depth inquisition to try and get him to spill his guts about how he feels about you and everything, just an update to see if things are staus quo or if he's ready to progress to the next step...just be prepared for his response to be something you don't want to hear.  From a guy's perspective, I appreciate bluntness and honesty up front...not game playing.  But that's me...I don't know him.  Just my two cents.  Good luck!!!