Ethical Question about telling the OTHER woman's husband?

Call me spiteful or whatever but I even called the girls parents and told them she was sleeping with my husband!!!!!!  :)

I am dealing with this as well except my stbx was having an affair with someone he used to work with who still lived in the US while we were on a 3-yr tour in Germany. I had NO idea that he was having an affair until I moved back home and heard a voicemail from her to him with an I love you tucked on the end. How ironic that I had left and made it so easy for them but I couldn't take the emotional abuse anymore and he didn't fight my request to leave. What's worse is that he was in the process of moving her to Germany and me leaving must've made it so easy, so she dumped her husband as well so they could be over there together. I cannot let him know I know of the affair as he is now under investigation at work. We have no children together. She is 20 years younger than he is and I really feel for her poor husband. Do I call and tell him after the investigation is over or do I just mind my own business? BTW, my stbx is a classic narcissist. I'm sure this young woman idolizes him completely because he is of high gov't rank and does well financially. He is completely charming in the beginning and anyone struggling with self-esteem issues would be sucked in quickly. I know, because that was me.

Thanks everyone -- After speaking with my therapist she told me to call her before I did anything like calling the spouse and she would talk me out of it.  Take the high road.  I did however tell my stbx that he could go ahead and move out and be with his gal -- that he had to continue to pay the mortgage and taxes but he could just go.  I suspect she is pregnant.  I threatened to call the husband of this sl*t to him anyway.  I want him to be scared that I will call him and drop the bomb.  I cannot wait for it to be over so I can let his mother and siblings know what a cheat he has been.  Maybe I need to hate him to get over this.  Thanks again. Mel

I called and wish I didn't. He already knew but he turned out to be "quite the catch as well". I could actually see why she didn't want him. I struggled with it at first because I thought about the fact I didn't know him. What if he hurt her or worse because of something I did? I would have felt terrible. I don't care about her but her children are innocent and I didn't want something terrible on my hands. Selfish I know but the way I felt at the time. It didn't help me and it didn't help him, it just made me look like a spiteful person, which normally I am not. It was a spiteful moment and it was done right after my stbx had said something really cruel to me. It was done out of retaliation. I am ashamed to admit that but it is the truth.

Oh boy this is an issue I'm struggling with the same thing.  Oh how I wanna tell.  I wanna scream it at the top of my lungs.  I'm sick of protecting my STBX and his new woman.  But i fear for the consequences.  I'm so close to my own divorce i do not want to ruin it for myself.  Maybe when things have settled down.  I do so very much feel that "other womans" husband deserves to know.  And Yes i would want to know.  I hated the way I found out.  Funny thing is just tonight My husband actually called me to make sure his Girlfriends Name was not in our divorce papers.  GOD.....yuck.  I hate cheaters!!!!  They are so weak and constantly need to cover there backs.  I can't wait till its no longer my problem.  What a way to live your life huh?

please tell him ASAP he has all right to know the truth. especially if she has already filed for divorce. she will drain him dry and he needs all the ammo in court he can get. I got taken to the cleaners and only after my divorce was final did my so called friends let me know that my hasband had some girl pregnant. handy info in court but too late for me. even in 50/50 states theese things do matter. so tell him right away and give him a chance to protect himself

OK...  I have one last comment on this. 

I've had a discussion about this with someone who was divorced over 20yrs ago who had some input I found relevant.  He said that it was a moral imperative to tell the spouse of the cheating party, however, I was cautioned not to say anything to them until all of my legal issues had been resolved.  It's possible that the cheating party might assist in the legal action you are facing with your partner.  You might just be creating a more complicated and costly situation. 

Not to say anything would just be contributing to the ongoing behavior of the other party.  Regardless the mental state of the other party, we are not the creator of the situation but the holder of the flashlight that let's them see the truth.

I am in the same situation.  The only weirder thing is the "ow's" husband and I have been crying on each other's shoulders and even though I found it comforting, it was not a good idea.  We both tend to find out more information that the other one of us doesn't know and then it seems to feel like this all starts over again.  I am tempted to tell him finally that even though he thinks it never was sexual between our spouses, I can tell him differently.  Though part of me wants to keep that "in my back pocket" too.  I don't like the person this has made me become.  I told the other husband that we can no longer talk or email and he agreed.  I have to move on.

I see your sides - I really do.  I hadn't thought about how vindictive this would make the other women and might affect even my grown children.  One friend suggested that I mail it anonymously and blank out even all my husbands name.  Which I could do --- but in the end it's the same I guess. I would still like ring her neck and make her as miserable as I am; And make her divorce as awful as mine is right now.  I guess I can always sit on it and use it later.  But the evil part of me wants to send it now. I'll let you know I send it or not.

I'm in the exact same boat with my stbx.  I have proof and would love the satisfaction of giving this to his wife to handle on her end.  It's a tough decision to work through.  The deviant side of me wants him to suffer the family struggle that I'm going through.  The other side of me thinks I should just steer clear and let her find out in her own time and her own way.  My fear is that my silence might just leave them to continue their antics to their delight without his wife becoming any the wiser.  I wanted to know and would loath anyone that knew that kept their mouth shut.  Though an ethical concern, I struggle with the "am I not obligated to tell?" question that's eating me up.

I don't think this will help you much but at least you know your not alone.  Id love to know where you go with this.

I'm on the other side of the fence on this one and let me explain why -

if he doesn't know about the affair already, and you are the one to break the news & things get ugly in their divorce...what if this relationship with your stbx turns serious enough for marriage - you then will have a very pissed off vindictive woman out for your blood interacting with your children and the father of your children...that is stupid beyond words to bring upon yourself.

Deal with your own divorce - let their cards fall where they may...

Should I call or write him a letter that I have proof if he wants it?

It may not benefit you, but it sure wuld him....I think the spouse of an affair has the right to know, its cruel to make them be the 'last to find out' which is what happens in most cases.....So as for me not only YES but HELL YES....I wouldn't EVEN think twice about making that call.....Its only fair to him!

Terri

Well that is a dilemma.  I know how you feel, and how tempting it is to make that call.  Does it benefit you in any way to make the call?  Other than just satisfaction of screwing something up for "her", what benefit are you looking for by doing this?  If that husband doesn't already know about the affair, you will possibly be devastating him.  You have no idea what the dynamics in that relationship are...not that it is your responsibility to.  But what if there was abuse?  What if there was another reason that she left?  What if what if what if....he's a psycho, or depressed and suicidal because he's in a crisis?  My only advice is to think seriously about dropping that bomb on someone when you have no idea what place they are in mentally.  It could seriously cause some damage.  My advice?  If you need to get it out of your system?  Tell HER how you feel, and tell HER you have the ability to call him.  Ask HER why you shouldn't do it.  Or, just leave it alone.  It won't improve your life at all to do it, and it could possibly devastate another innocent human being.  You are right to take the high road.  But thinking about it sure does feel good, doesn't it?  Trust me...I know!   Take Care of yourself, and Good Luck, whatever you choose.  No judgement here, just food for thought.

You know I would tell him but that's exactly what I did in my situation.  I found a bunch of evidence that my ex was cheating and lying to me and I finally put 2 and 2 together and found out who with--some tramp he works with.  Found out she's married with 2 kids at home and they are screwing around like some kind of teenagers on hormones or something.  So I found out the home phone number and called her husband up--they live like 45 minutes from me--but I called him up and told him what's up.  He started following her around and he said he suspected something was up but didn't want to believe it because he thought they had a good marriage and was married 14 yrs and all.  Well he started following her around and low and behold he found them in a local mall parking lot making out in her car!! He also found them in a local baseball field parking lot making out and he went up to the window (my stupid ex's side of the car) and pounded on the window and started yelling profanities at them--scared the shit out the I can tel ya!!  PRICELESS!!! :)  Then he went to an attorney after that and filed on her ass.  So yeah--I'd go for it if I were you.  I did and I don't regret a darn thing I did either, I'm glad I did and he even thanked me for calling him.  He told me he was sorry this had happened, but he thanked me for not standing by and doing nothing about it.  Hell no---I made sure to tell everyone I came in contact with - my ex's friends, family members, his mom--anyone that he's a cheap whore and his girlfriend is to!! :)  So go for it, I'm glad I did!! :)