When will I be able to let go?

In response to CJent1, my last stab in the heart was when, I asked my ex why and his reasons led me to believe that he loves this new gal more than he ever loved me. On one hand it was a relief, because then I knew that there was nothing I could do to fix it, on the other hand it was very painful to realize...

I just wanted to comment on what BlueB said, "Perhaps in your husband's mind, he has already written the marriage off long ago without telling you...so, he's already grieved over it and when he was done grieving, he moved on.  It was shitty not to involve you in the process, so now you have to play catch up...he informed you about it after he was done grieving, and it caught you completely by surprise, so now that's why it looks like he has no problem moving on."

You couldn't have said it any better, mine did just this. All the while, while they are going through their emotions we are there. But as soon as thery are done they toss us. My ex, has moved on with his high school sweetheart and they are in love and happy. How shitty... Thank you Blue B for acknowledging just how shitty it is that they do this, I really needed to hear it.

It takes time to move on.  Especially if you have had a long marriage and children together.  Finding the video online of the ex's wedding helped me move on.  It was the last stab in the heart!  I am now ready to date and can not find anyone.  Seems that all I do is work, work and work.  How do you find other singles of the opposite sex who aren't married or liars?

im/im.tje.same.place.u.are.but.i.think.its.to.far.gonr.for.i=us.he,says,\
hes,done.and,im,releaved.and.crushed.all.at.same.time

im/im.tje.same.place.u.are.but.i.think.its.to.far.gonr.for.i=us.he,says,\
hes,done.and,im,releaved.and.crushed.all.at.same.time

In March of this year, the 'bomb' was dropped on me with the affair he was having...This was his second in 15 years...I thought we truly had done all the homework back then to put it back on track, of course now I look back on this 2nd one, and I see all the red flags that I truly missed....We are in the middle of a divorce.
My only regrt is that I took the dumb ass back when I was 35, and I should have dumped his ass then, when I was 35. But Nooooooooooo I did all the right things, counceling, marriage seminars, the whole 9 yards....Then when I felt his eye was 'wandering' again all I heard was "Its in your head" over and over....NO it wasent in my head, it was in his blood to cheat...
And it took years for me to trust him again....Now, at 51 I am pissed at myself for not just telling him to take a flying f*ck........... I am in a good place right now, I don't believe in the 'rebound relationships....Hell if it helps me to move on, than I am all for it...I stayed because of my children, well now they are grown and married....The beginning of my golden years was nothing more than a pipe dream to believe he would change...I believe once a cheater always a cheater.... I am going to be happy no matter what, and If I feel a relationship is about to reveal itself to me with someone else, I am going to embrace it...If I get hur again, it can't hurt any worse than a 30 year marriage failing...And I am sure I will recover....I am not wasting anymore time, If I decide I want a relationship on the rebound I will not analyze it! Thats just me....
My 2 cents
Terri

Wow, reading all these seems to hit home.  My future X has moved on.  He has a g/f and thinks I want to hear about their "life" if that is what you want to call it.  She has 2 young daughters and it seems like he puts her and her kids first.  He has 2 children with me, my son is 18 but has Autism and my daughter is 16.  It just seems like he wants to spend more time with the g/f and her kids instead of his kids.  I am trying to understand this but have a difficult time doing so.  I want to move on and have dated a few men.  I have found one that I enjoy hanging out with but it is nothing serious.  Sometimes I wonder if I want something serious or just a casual item.  I feel that I want to love again but my heart has been broken over this and I was pretty much blindsided when he told me.  My mother said it would take time but one day I would want to love again, took her 7 years to find someone new.  I am just afraid to open my heart ever again to anyone as I am afraid I would get hurt again.

Whether the divorce is ongoing or it is long final.  You are a victim and most people men and women liken it to being left with the emotional state of being raped.  All control was taken from you.  You had no decision in this when one spouse makes the decision for you.  Acknowledgement of this generally is a great first step to healing.  Days go by surely whether you want them to or not but, whether you feel like it or not get active.. This will help and week after week you will get better.
I have been divorced for one year.  Bad days absolutely but not everyday is a bad day now.

I am having the same problem , my wife has been partying with her friends since i she started to push me away , before she told me that divorce was the only option. she seems to be doing great, so i guess that is good for her, she left to las vegas with her friends sat morning and it hurt so bad.Its like shes a whole different person from the one she was only 4 months ago.

I am trying to get out and do things, I started going to the toning beds and the tanning beds. I walk 3 miles a day, and I have lost about 47lbs.  Not the healthy way though, I guess I have it in my head that at 41 and with the health issues I have that no-one would ever want me again.  I have very low self esteem.  I did find a divorce support group, so maybe I will start attending the meetings.  I quit going to counseling but  know that I need to talk to someone about my feelings. I can't talk to my soon  to be ex, everytime I do try to discuss the divorce I have an anxiety attack so I quit trying and I'm just going to file for divorce without discussing it with him anymore.

Step by step ..that is how you do it. As you move along it gets easier...stay busy...keep your mind from racing. It will get easier I promise.Everyone has their own pace !
Let us know how you are doing!

Hi Jan,
I will add this to what Blue and 123 had to say. I read your story too. Don't be afraid to be alone. I've been alone all thru my marriage. Take time to discover who you are again and what you really want for the rest of your life. I'm enjoying my time totally alone without the illusion of that perfect marriage.
Along with therapy see if you can find a Divorce Care group at one of the local churches in your area. They are not heavy on religion and you will meet a lot of good people in the same situation. It helps to know you're not the only one going thru a hard time. They are very supportive just when you really need it. You might even come awayfrom the group with a friend. I did.

Perhaps in your husband's mind, he has already written the marriage off long ago without telling you...so, he's already grieved over it and when he was done grieving, he moved on.  It was shitty not to involve you in the process, so now you have to play catch up...he informed you about it after he was done grieving, and it caught you completely by surprise, so now that's why it looks like he has no problem moving on.

As far as closure goes, you put in your story that he left you for a younger woman, so you seem to know the story as to why he's leaving...what else do you need for closure to happen?  What more do you think you need to know?  I know how you feel...my stbx lied and cheated on me after she decided to show up to marriage counseling.  I didn't know why she strung me along if she had no intention of staying in this marriage or even trying.  I did tell her that I could not forgive her until I know the reason why...she tells me she doesn't know.

I know it hurts right now.  I wish that I had a way to wave away the pain, but I can't.  Time will make things better...I know it sounds cliche, but it does.  After your two incidents, I truly hope that you are seeing a therapist to help you through your depression.  A therapist will help this to go a little faster and make sure you begin healing properly.  Take things day by day and try not to dwell on the things you can't control.  Take time to do things for you, stay active, go to the gym, go out with friends.  Believe me, they do help, even if it doesn't feel like it does right now.

Hang in there.  You will heal one day and when you're ready, you'll be able to let go.  Don't let anyone, including you, rush you through this process.  Your marriage is dying...give yourself the time and permission to mourn it properly.  Write here on the blog or on paper...getting it out of your system is healthy.  We're here for you if you need a shoulder.  Good luck!!!

I wish we all knew the answer to your question.  I think we need to be strong to get through the time that it will take.  Mine told me how happy he now is without me.  Sad huh?  Everything is so sad and I just try to keep myself busy.  Hang in there!