Can I expect a time limit for change?

Thank you all.  I feel like there is some change to be expected just right around the corner.  I feel like thats what keeps me holding on.  The part that is just hard to get over is that, he will be good for a week towards me.  Then BAM, he will pick a fight with me just so I will talk to him and we might end up hugging at the end of the fight.  I've put up my own boundaries with him.  I won't talk to him unless its about the kids.  I've completely shut off anything physical with him.  Before, if I even just held his hand, he thought everything was okay and then life was headed in the crapper just as before.  It feels like I'm being tugged around by him and I just can't do it anymore. 

I'm trying to be so strong for my kids and myself.  I have no family here and barely any friends.  He has alienated me from my family so I feel like I'm completely alone.  I did meet with my lawyer on thursday just to have someone lined up just in case.  I feel like I'm on a wicked rollercoaster.  We get along great, and then not.  All this time and I just can't imagine my life like this for much longer.  He is so dang selfish.  I'm sorry.  I'm so frustrated.

Both posts below make good points. I think I'm a little with aimless, though. I expect you'll be able to tell if he's only giving "lip service" to working on himself, or he's sincerely trying. 

No real point in waiting around another 6 months, or even three, if we're talking "lip service".

But if you think he's "sincere" but don't see any progress, how about he gives you permission to talk with his counselor? You can get the counselor's opinion about how things are progressing, and how sincere he is in making the changes you need him to make.

Might be there's a breakthrough just around the corner, and all you need is a little more patience. Might be progress is being made, but it'll be a long time before success. Might be he's really in "lip service" mode, but has convinced you otherwise. Before you let your patience run out, I think you need to know before you "pull the trigger" on the marriage.

Keep us posted on how it goes. I'm sure folks who have been in similar situations, like Trisha and aimless, will offer good advice as the saga unfolds.

Take care, and good luck!

I still wonder this exact question, though in my situation, I have looked more at his intentions/effort than I did a calendar. In my situation, my husband didn't feel he had an ager problem, yet I feel (so did others) he did. It took me actually filing for divorce for him to sincerely admit that he had a problem & admit that he wanted to change that about himself. He saw what his anger/attitude was costing him & he felt that the cost of being superior/always right was just too high.

I gave many years & tried to get him to go to counseling - begged him for almost 8 years for at least couples counseling - it took an ultimatum of divorce or counseling for him to finally at least go to counseling w/me. This was about 6 months after I'd been seeing a counselor to help with depression/co-dependancy issues of my own. Needless to say, he was not receptive & only went because he didn't want me to file for divorce. It took one realy bad blow up from him at our counselor on our 4th session for me to finally say that I couldn't do it anymore.

I filed for divorce & told him that out of the love I had for him, I needed to let him be free to find happiness, & I had to be happy for the sake of our children. I had hoped that we could do it together, but it wasn't happening that way with all the anger/resentment we had towards each other, which was creating major problems with our children, so for the love of everyone involved, I filed for divorce so we could do things at our own pace & free ourselves to be the best parents we could be for our children without anger/resentment/abuse.

It has now been almost 2 months since he finally said that he wants to work through his anger issues-he's getting better, though I haven't dismissed the divorce just yet-it's my "insurance policy" per se. I'm not afraid anymore to pull that trigger. I saw the sincerity-I know he was sincere-but once I see that fall away, I'm done. Don't know when, but in his actions are my answers.

Take care.

Go to the home page for D360. The one you sign in on and read up on controlling spouses. It may help you make your decision. There is not a set time frame for you to decide he can't or won't change. If counseling is not working for him and you feel you've done all you can personally do then it may be time to move on. Yes, you can set your own time frame for him to change. It could be six months or a year. Whatever you feel is right in your own mind.

For me it was when I finally said I had enough; I couldn't take anymore.

It's different for everyone. Only you can make the decision to stay or go.