Keeping Tabs

I'm still readying myself for my NutriSystem air drop.  It says they're shipping UPS, but I'm thinking it would be so cool to see the military plane fly overhead and a parachuting pallet of food sail down to the ground--complete with propaganda pamphlets and everything.  "This Is Food.  We're Friends!"  Smiling bubble people eating happily…but that's just me. Yeah, whatever. UPS will be fine.

I checked NutriSystem's site, it says that UPS will deliver on Monday.  I have three days to eat me out of house and home!   That's fine. I've studied my mice; it should not be a problem.

Today seemed like a good day to check out my NutriSystem home page too. I wanted to see what was there before I was too busy eating food to check it out.

"Says here...Mmmfff, mmfffmmm, mmm…"

The site was pretty easy to navigate: big tabs, well organized, written in English. Perfect add ons if you're trying to convince Rob to read anything.   There's a picture of a cute blond on the bottom of the page.  The caption says, "Get back into that black dress." I'm thinking, "if I could get into that black dress, she wouldn't be standing there," but that's just me.  Maybe it's the food talking. Maybe it's another hunger.  Who knows. Maybe NutriSystem does.

I entered, "Blond in black dress" in the search bar.

"0 Results Found."  Apparently they don't know about that.

They know about checklists though.  There are tons of them.  They include lists of things to do while I'm on the site.  I'd actually like to see a "Preparation" checklist, you know: ways to make my home NutriSafe, and Robby proof all my cabinets,  but maybe I'm alone in that.  It's ok.  Maybe there'll be something in the box. I'm hoping there's food! Come Monday, we'll see.

The site also talks about things I can eat when I go out to dinner--

Wait!  I can go out to dinner?  Hang on, I'm re-reading that page.  Please stand by…

….

…

…

Ok, I'm back.  It even breaks it down into suggestions by Cuisine!  I can eat out!  WOO HOO!  Not all the time, but still.  It's nice to know that it's an option.  I mean what if I accidentally have a date?  Do I pop out a box and ask her if she'd like the pasta or the Chicken?  Sure, maybe by candle light she won't notice the label or anything, but I’m thinking that's anecdotal fodder for her Monday morning coffee break.

"You'll never believe the idiot I went out with on Friday."

No, restaurant food is good.

I don't see anything about my Friday coffees.  I mean I'm sure Coffee's ok, but what about Lattes and such.  I'll have to find out. I type "Latte" into the search bar, and an article list comes up.  NutriSystem knows about Latte. They recommend I forgo the whipped cream.  Huh…Still that's good to know. I forgot lattes even came with whipped cream.  The frozen coffees do: all the time.  I'll have to spend more time here reading.  I'm eating calories without even thinking. I wonder how many calories are in crow.  The site doesn't seem to know.

I also see that I can have a counselor.  A counselor!  Oh Boy!  I need one of those! I call.

"NutriSystem…"

"Hi!  Uhm, yeah, It's all MyEx's fault, isn't it?"

"I'm sorry?"
"No, not your fault.  Hers!"

"Uhm, did she make you eat something?"

"She gave me more than I could swallow!"

"I see…"

Let the healing begin!