well now I've done it

well I know this will seem like I'm the most horrible person in the world but now I think I've really dug myself a grave....

after all the effort I've put forth over the last two years with nothing given back in return my heart had given up and I was ready to move on with my life alone....I just didn't know how to do that....

Then I had a blast from the past re enter my life and we started being friends (yes just friends...nothing that would be considered cheating) and I can't deny that feelings that we once shared did pop up again.....

I thought maybe I was being sent down this path because it was God's way of telling me that I am worthy of being happy and being treated the way I always wanted.....

But now I'm so confused....

My hsbd is being everything I always wanted and although he has traveled this path before it's usually a 2 week fix and then back to his normal anticts.....

but its different this time and I found that my heart has begun to retrust him and that those feelings of love are slowly returning.....

but now I'm troubled because do I continue on a path I'm unsure of because of past experience or do I choose the path I'm not familiar with yet but have no expectations on the outcome.....

I'm not looking to jump into a relationship with my friend but it is an option down the road.....but now my heart is torn I don't want to hurt anyone in this situation but I know I will I just know that if I choose to stay with my hsbd out of fear of this fix being temporary I will be what ifing myself forever.....but if I choose to leave at this point the what ifs will  be there as well......I think my heart already decided that I should make the effort with my hsbd.....but God this is hard!!!