Not giving up yet, to much at stake... When is it over>

I've begun counseling for myself. Counselor says my greastest gift is also my greatest burden. She says I am "disarmingly candid" and "extremely intelligent" but I certainly do not feel very smart. My wife is all over the place from one day to the next between loving me and hating me. I have never been more unbalanced and confused. Honesty is easy for me and I have always been able to see things exactly for what they are. I wish she could be honest with me. I've heard all the standard bullshit "I haven't loved you for five years", "everyone gets divorced", "the kids will be fine", "I deserve better"...all of which is complete nonsense. The standard statements are usually excuses for "I found someone else who makes me all tingly and excited, but I could never say that outloud because my family and friends would think I am the devil for destroying my family". Timing is EVERYTHING, say the right thing at the right time and things will change for the better, the wrong thing at the wrong time and.... My friends and family have always appreciated this attribute until my honesty is focused on them, then I am "crazy" and "stupid". I always appreciate criticism directed at me from people I love and respect because it's honest and productive. I know I can learn and grow everyday and I am willing to change my mind about anything if the facts show me I am wrong. The key for me in accepting criticism is only that the person speaking is someone who truly knows me. I do not accept praise or compliments from people who do not know me for the same reason. I just figure I can't have it both ways. Anyway, I'm rambling now so I guess my question is "when is it time to say good-bye"?

by NIWN 3 Posts
Posted on 10/7/2008 6:35 AM

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Answers for "Not giving up yet, to much at stake... When is it over>" (8) (You must be logged in to answer)

Some people will appreciate your honesty. I have been told that I am honest to the point of being tactless. A dear friend of mine is so open and honest that he will tell you everything you want to know and a few things that you didn't! This has a way of getting on some people's nerves, but I think it is the best thing about him. There are two questions that I ask myself about what I am about to say before I say it: Is it helpful? Is it kind? That lets me know if I should keep something to myself because the other person is not ready to hear it. Having said all that...you do not need to apologize for being the way that you are. True friends will be grateful for your honest nature.

by meteor 177 Posts
Posted on 10/9/2008 1:52 AM

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The love and hate thing is so difficult to deal with. Concentrating on the "love" part would be so much better. And I ask myself should we separate even though I love him? Most of the time I loathe and distrust him but what do we do? Perhaps it's a changing time in your wife's life. Counseling is helping me understand myself and my marriage better. I hope that you are finding yourself with counseling. I never knew I had a co-dependent marriage. Knowing yourself helps clarify your future, helps you make better decisions and focus positive energies towards self reflection rather than in those around you.

by nascar 43 Posts
Posted on 10/8/2008 9:32 PM

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I finally had the epiphany that made me say no more. Our last vacation to the beach, my husband ditched me after dinner every night to go out until 3 a.m. No explanation, no nothing.

Understand this light dawning incident happened after 15 years!.

Some people may never have the clearing of the clouds like I did,I don't recommend waiting 15 years for it!!!! lol But here is a good test- Can you imagine a happier life without your spouse? If you answered, yes, then it is absolutely time to end the madness.

by TooLaidBackinVA 9 Posts
Posted on 10/8/2008 6:41 PM

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Oh God only knows. I've been waiting for a sign for 2 yrs. Maybe the sign is we haven't given up yet. I don't know.

Sometimes brutal honesty isn't the best idea. Just because you can take it doesn' t mean everyone else can.

I also am pretty honest, especially about my own family. But if I say anything about my husband's family, even if he agrees with it, he gets upset. Sometimes the more you push for something the more you push that something away. Sometimes people need to believe change was thier own idea.

by JaimeM 98 Posts
Posted on 10/7/2008 12:17 PM

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I've asked myself that question many times, and have seen what others have to say in various posts here.

Make sure you can look at yourself in the mirror and know with near 100% certainty you have done what you can do and fixed what you can fix. This is a tough one. I thought I was there, but after separation I'm now thinking I was only at 95% or so. Best you can do is believe it at the time, and not try to second guess the future.

Feel pretty sure you would rather live alone than with your spouse. That's a tough one if there's an "outside interest" or children that will probably stay with your spouse.

And once I read that you know it's time to leave when the bad memories outweigh the good ones.

And let me 2nd the opinion that staying together "for the kids" is usually a very bad idea. They know things aren't "right" between mommy and daddy. And being in an unhappy marriage doesn't give them a good picture of what a marriage should be.

I am in separate counseling also. And my STBX hated it. I suspect she feared if I fixed a few things in me, I would realize we shouldn't be married. And in retrospect, she was right, in large part because I saw no effort on her part to fix the things in her that were making me not want to stay in the marriage. Sigh...and I'm sure she'd say the same about me, despite the counseling.

Someone once said something like "Mean what you say, say what you mean, and don't be mean when you say it." Sage advice for someone with an honest bent, such as you and I.

by jhs 509 Posts
Posted on 10/7/2008 9:55 AM

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Morning, I would like to give you my thoughts, not answers because you are the only person that can answer it... I stand to lose my wife shortly, legally. I truly lost her long ago or never had her. Again truly I dont think we honestly understand the commitment we make when we take our vowels..Attraction and having sex should not be a concern of marriage...But I believe those two subjects are the main basics of marriage... For a long time I thought I had done well enough for my children on their behalf, I now have learned you should never stop doing the best you can all times...Its amazing how much your children need you even if is not money or getting them out of trouble, but staying married just for the children is a bad mistake in my point of view... You see, we all need to grow up and understand what we are getting into before we do it...Most likely your wife and your are two people growing at two different levels. And we never stop growing, nature calls it evolving, change, it never stops and shouldn't. Think about it, change of our daily lives gives us the opportunity keep our selves vibrate and learning.. If we didn't we would dry up become anaquated and delete ourselves...Growth is the key for happiness and survival in my opinion....For your self and your spouse.. On relationships try to think of them as nature, would you stop your spouse from growing, becoming smarter, taller, on and on...I think not...Then you need to think to letting them grow in the way they t

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Not giving up yet, to much at stake... When is it over>