What do you need to forgive yourself for?

In the shower this morning I had a flash of insight.  What is it about the shower that provides insight?  I’ve been working on the theme of regret and trying to think of exactly what is it that enables us to overcome regret.  
What provides relief, is, I believe, just ONE thing:  self-forgiveness.  I see this with everyone I know who harbors regrets, including me, they are terribly hard on themselves.  To let regret go you have to forgive yourself and to do that you need to understand the roots of that particular regret, i.e. why you had it, what it meant to you, why you needed to do that at that time, how it lead to the next thing in your life--or didn't.  Once you forgive yourself you can forgive whoever else in your life needs forgiving (for me, my ex)

For instance I was once a compulsive eater—I was obsessed with food and beat myself up every time I over ate.  This obsession took up a good deal of time in my life and often took over my life.  If I was on a diet, my mood was determined by the scales—how much did I weigh that morning, had I gained or lost.  If I’d eaten that extra slice of cheesecake I was consumed with remorse, I felt like a failure, a bad person.  If I’d lost weight I was gleeful, the whole day I felt confident and good about myself.   I knew this behavior was counter-productive, in fact I was in a compulsive eating group where we talked about it all the time but no matter what I did I still heard that nasty voice in my head saying,  “You have no self control, look at what you just ate, you’re a fat slob, you’ll never be worth anything.”      My weight just kept skyrocketing until I weighed over 250 pounds.  At that point I felt I had to do something about it so I had gastric bypass surgery.    I agonized over whether or not to have it for an entire year, terrified of surgery, frightened that I would die under the knife, or have horrible complications like so many people did.  

I had the surgery, it was successful, there were no unexpected complications.    The only problem was that I lost weight very slowly.     I read on my internet forum about people who were losing a size a month it seemed, and I was inching along.  I started blaming myself again—agonizing over every bite I put in my mouth, that voice in my head wouldn’t stop.   One day, and I remember this moment with total clarity, like you remember the moment before a car accident—it was spring, I sat down on the deck outside my office, facing the woods and said to myself, “I just went through this incredible trauma to my body, I was brave enough to face major surgery to change my life, I went through a long recovery.   I didn’t do this so I could spend the rest of my life agonizing about every bite I put in my mouth ---I just refuse to keep beating myself up no matter how much weight I lose or don’t lose.  

And that was it.  Food ceased being a major issue in my life.  I lost a good amount of weight, gained some back, but I don’t worry about it anymore.  It was over.  That battle was behind me.  

I would like to do the same thing with the other demons that plague me in my life—like the regret about my marriage and my daughter.   If I can accept myself for being fat, I can accept other mistakes I’ve made.  I just have to work on it.