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My wife and I have been together 14 years, married for 10.
Let me start by saying hindsight is 20/20.
Two years into our marriage, she left me because she said she didn't love me anymore. There was no cheating on either side, at least I know there wasn't on my side and I really believe there wasn't any on hers either. We reconciled and moved on, for the most part, happily.
About 5 years ago we tried swinging. It was driven by me, but she seemed receptive to it. We met a couple and we swapped. I met with the woman several other times, even after their relationship dissolved, all with my wifes knowledge and approval. She also met with them one time alone.
Over the next three years I played with one other person while traveling (a one time thing) and she played with several people. All with eachothers consent and knowledge.
After about 2 years we stopped swinging. She asked me to stop corresponding with the other woman because she was no longer comfortable with me meeting her. That is when the problems started on my part. I did not do it, even though I said I would. While we never met I did email her.
When my wife confronted me, I was apologetic and promised to end all communication, and I did. We went through counseling and seemed to be on the path to rebuilding the trust I had damaged.
About a year ago, we talked about swinging again. I know..like I said, hindsight is 20/20. She was on a business trip and met a guy and played, with my knowledge and approval. She called me that night and said 'It's your turn now". The next day she almost played again, but didn't.
The problem was that she is, and always has been, far more able to be spontaneous then I. She had several sexual relationships before me. She was my first. She even talked about writing a book about a woman who traveled for work and had these liaisons. She wrote some things in a notebook and wrote about things I didn't know about...but I assumed and still assume, that this was fantasy. So with her having played and having told me it was my turn, I looked on craigslist and sent emails to a few people in other towns that I had travel plans to. I never met with anyone. Over the next few months, the discussions about swinging drifted off and I stopped looking for someone else. I never told her I tried to use Craigslist to find people. After that I never looked for someone else.
That was a year ago.
Since then, she's battled some internal demons on self-esteem, many of which may be my fault due to the swinging. I have always been supportive of her, told her how beautiful she was (and meant it every time). but as a result of her depression, sex trickled to less and less. I have always been more sexual then she, but never felt that I didn't get what I need from her in that area. Sex with her was always different from sex with others. I think she would say that was true of her too. Sex with eachother was much deeper and meaningful. However, I did result to self-satisfaction to compensate for the reduction in sex. That is where the porn and pictures come in.
Recently she looked in my email and found those craigslist messages from a year ago and was upset. She found porn on my laptop and was upset. She found pictures and was upset. She found people in my facebook account that she thought were suspect, even though she was in there too and I never hid facebook from her. I never strayed since our original attempt at swinging and never did anything physically with anyone without her knowledge before hand. But I did result to masterbation more often, but never to the point that is resulted in not being willing or able to be with her when she wanted and never to the point that it interfered with my family or job.
She is contemplating leaving me now because she doesn't trust me and doesn't believe this is true.
I'm not sure what to do. While she has no reason at all to trust me, I have told her the truth. 100% of it. But my words are not worth anything to her and rightfully so. She doesn't know if she can believe that I didn't meet with others. She doesn't know if she can believe that what I have said is true. but it is.
So for the last week, I have slept on the couch and she in our bed. I am devastated. Maybe the fact that we are still in the same house is a victory in and of itself.
The toughest part is that while I should have told her what I did on craigslist, I didn't. We did talk about masterbation and she was understanding about it. The facebook people are friends and friends of friends, nothing more. The pictures and porn were something to look at in those times when I was by myself for stimulation. I even thought she appreciated that because I wasn't constantly asking her for sex. That was stupid on my part.
I love my wife. She is not only my best friend, but the mother of our children. While our sex life has dwindled, it was still good. We find ourselves as 30-somethings struggling with demanding careers, kids, work and other commitments and less and less time for eachother.
I know many of you are here as those on the otherside of this issue. I need some advice from you. I want to stay married. I want to rebuild my life with the woman I love. We're not the same people we were when we met (in high school), but in many ways, she and I are both better people now. I don't want to lose her.
I feel like a sexual deviant. I feel like a pervert. I feel like the typical cheating husband that a woman should get rid of and not look back for. I have some co-workers who have gone through similar situations and most are now divorced. I want to avoid that.
The bottom line is that I have not cheated, or attempted to cheat since we tried swinging the second time, at least not physically. I know these acts are cheating in the emotional and mental sense though. And because of those experiences, I don't want to swing anymore or do any of these things that hurt her. Sure, the sexual side of me thinks about it, but the rational side of me knows better. I'm even going to go to counseling for this, but haven't told her that yet because I don't want her to think I am doing that as a means to control her and make her decision for her.
With the trust seemingly gone, what can I do? I feel each day may be the last for me at home. I spend more time with my kids and I get the impression that upsets her because I am "rubbing it in her face". I'm not. I don't want to hurt her anymore then I have. When I hear her sobbing at night, I am devastated. I spend the time with the kids because I don't know how much of it I have left.
She comes from a divorced family. I come from a home that divorce probably would have been a better option then my parents staying together.
I've considered just leaving because I don't know how she can ever truly trust me and I don't know how I can even ask her to try. I don't want to make the biggest mistake of my life. I don't want to divorce the woman I have loved more than anyone else and who I still love that much.
I probably haven't explained everything very well here, so if something doesn't make sense please ask and I will explain better.