How do I stop getting so angry and move on

I want to thank all of you for your advise... There are so many things that were said that were not only helpfull but true.... Thank you...

I can relate.  I can also tell you why you do this (or so I think).

I have a 5 year old son.  When he asks for something that is out of the question, I am tempted to say "yes" to avoid the tantrum and the difficult behavior that will follow.  This is most likely why you are still doing things for your ex.

My ex is the same, she expected me to solve her problems, and I DID for awhile just to "keep the peace".  She would throw a fit and act nasty toward me if I didn't help her, accusing me of doing it just to be vindictive.  As soon as I caved in , she would be nice again.

Like my child, I realized that she was only acting this way because I allowed it.  She knew that I would eventually cave to her demands rather than face the "tantrum" and terrible behavior that would be sure to follow.

Once I put my foot down, stopped feeling as if I had to justify my decisions and showed her that "NO means NO"...she stopped.  It wasn't easy, and it wasn't fun.

I am soon going to face this situation again in Jan when I FINALLY go forward with the divorce that she asked for, and she is no longer covered under my insurance.  She apparently has not yet learned the full lesson.

NO means NO.  No explanations required.  NO means NO - deal with it!

The most important thing to remember here is that no one can make you do anything you don't want to do - so the question you need to ask yourself is why is it that you choose to be used and manipulated by him? What are you getting out of it? If you don't want to be his caretaker any longer then the choice is yours - say no! If you find it too hard to do you need to figure out why you need to be involved this closely in his life when you are no longer married. What is it that is keeping you tied to him? Once you have identified that then you can work thru it and release him from your life. Again the choice is yours - what will it be?

Lisa

I'm pretty much kinda in the same solutation with me ex. He's just trying to get to you. You are just letting him. You need to show him you don't care about his problems, that yu care enough because he's the father of your child. if you already have court orders, stick with them and be strong. Don't show him weakness or that he has any effect on you because he'll use that with you until you stand up to him. It's tough but he just shows how much he cares about you.

My ex is always trying to get to me also. He tells me that his 2 year old niece is his daughter. Yeah, that's when we separated 2 years ago and he keeps on trying to bring it up still and inside it does drive crazy. but i focus on my son. helps a lot especially if our son is in front of us. I just change the subject and don't add to it.

People only treat you the way you let them treat you. Say enough and stick to it. You can't allow him to treat you like a doormat. You have to get tough in this situation, otherwise it will just continue. Give him his mommys address and telephone number!

My ex was like this because I used to do all those things for him and take care of the business end of his self-employed business as well. I had to learn to be less accessible for him.  I had to let him know that I was busy and that I was not always going to be around to help him out.  It was hard, believe me, but eventually he got the message.  Now, I can't even get him to come and see our daughter, let alone call her.  She is a teen now and has her own phone but he won't ever call.  Mine is either way to one side of the scale or the other.  Good luck.

Sometimes I do the same thing, it's probably because I still love my stbx, even through the affair and what followed. I wonder if that's somehow making it more difficult for you to say no (I blame it on my accommodating nature, but sometimes I think it's the hope that somehow we'll get back together. Even though logically I know it can't happen.

I think it's good to just tell him that you're not his Wife any more; your relationship has changed from what it once was and that his continually asking favors of you is placing you in a very difficult position.

If that doesn't take, well, you tried your best and from that point on, begin refusing as politely as possible...but *don't* explain yourself any more. Explaining yourself only opens up your decisions for debate.

I again agree with mtnvly.  He is using you and you are letting him.  You are no longer responsible for his bills, etc.  He's a big boy now and if he can have a phone, he can certainly make the payments.  I used to be very non-confrontational, and wouldn't have said s _ _ _  if I had a mouthful, however, I now stand my own ground.  As you get older, you will understand.  Just tell him no.  You have more power than you think you do.  If he asks you while you're on the phone and you tell him no, and he gets angry.  Just hang up.  You don't have to take any verbal abuse from him, no matter what. Don't be his doormat.  You will only be angry at yourself in the end.  You do not have to take that from anyone. 

 

You are being used. And the only way to stop it is to stop doing what he asks you to do.

The polite thing would be to tell him you're not going to do it when he asks. "Honey, would you call the phone company about this problem?" And you say "No". You could say "No, I don't have time this week." Probably a "white lie", justifying your "no" with a bit of untruth. Better to say "No. It's your bill and you need to take care of the problem yourself."

The impolite thing is to let him assume you'll do it, but just "forget". He asks, and you reply "Sure, I will if I can fit it into tomorrow's schedule". Then don't because you can't be bothered. I actually like this one because you don't really lie (and the result serves him right). But I prefer option 1.

I suppose you could say "Sure, I'll do it" and then just don't. But that kind of pulls you down to his level, don't you think?

Sure, it'll be hard saying "no" because you aren't used to it. But it beats the alternative (being somebody's gopher when you don't need to be).

Every comment below is exactly right, stop doing for him your no longer his wife.  First thing he needs to do is learn responsibility and then move forward by that you are going to have to let him or his mom pay his bill, make calls and arrange for the picking up of your daughter.  He might not like it, but you don't like the arrangement now so it means something or someone has to give.  Its been over a year and that means that it isn't like the divorce just happened.  Move forward and cut ties.  Welcome to D360 and may you find what you need here.  Take Care

I would let him know that your duties as wife ended first when he cheated, and lastly because you are now divorced!!  Stop allowing him to use you like this.  As long as he gets away with you, it will continue.  Take control and stand your ground.

First, let me say welcome to D360. I've found this a nice place to come to for advice. You're life sounds like mine was until last year.

You've been divorced for over a year and not much has changed. I was the fixer and doer in my family. What I was raised doing all my life. I hate confrontations and the funny thing is I owned and worked in family run bars. I was the manager, the bouncer etc. Confrontations of some kind every night. So I know where you're coming from.

You don't always have to take those calls. Let voice mail take them. Yes, he will throw a fit and probably yell and scream. You're not married to him any more. You made it thru getting your divorce you can do this. If you can't tell him in person then write him. Get your divorce papers up; read them and go back to the original agreement on visitation.

Only you can fix this and when you get enough you will fix it. When you get angry enough you will stop his game he is still playing on you. Then you will feel you have control of your life again and can start to move forward.

I know this may not sound very helpful but the "fix it" has to come from you. Pull out that will power and determination to do what needs to be done. Start with one thing and go forward from there.
Wish you luck. Take care

I went thru a similar experience with my daughter.My ex-husband still wanted to control me.He went out of his way to make things difficult for me (e.g. he lived in a gated community & he wouldn't give me the code to get into his complex to drop off our daughter.I'd have to wait until someone drove up & opened the gate first so I could tail gate them.The last straw was when I went to pick my daughter up from his place & he motioned for me to roll down the car window.My daughter was already in the car & had already gotten in. I stupidly did it & he slapped me for picking her up late.If my daughter hadn't been in the car with me, I swear I would have run him over. So I decided to stop dealing with him directly by dropping my daughter off at my parents so he could pick her up there.It worked.You may want to do something like this.Good luck.

Well you need to stop being his servant.You are divorced , you are not his wife anymore. FIrst try it nicely . Tell him you will not be able to do the things for him that you have been doing such as his bills etc. Say that it really inconveniences you and you don't have time. Tell him that he needs to be responsible for picking up your daughter that it is not your responsiblity to bring her to him.If he can't pick her up then tell him that he needs to arrange another time to see her.
You are being used. You need to make the choice for it to stop. You sound like me.
It may be hard for you for a while . He is not going to like it at all. But you need to stand your ground. It will get easier after a while when he realizes you mean business.