Have you ever wanted to commit suicide?

I've thought about it many times.  That was one reason why I started therapy and medication a few years ago.  I felt like I was so close to doing it, then suddenly I realized "WTF!" and I called my company's EAS to meet with someone. 

The really scary part for me is that about a week ago I was so upset and exhausted that I was in my bed  crying and I couldn't think of a reason not to do it.  Even when I thought of my son, it didn't help.  It was like I couldn't feel anything.  Luckily I think I was too tired to actually do anything about it.  Kind of scary to know that it was just me being tired that stopped me from doing anything.

I told my stbx later that night.  A few days later he asked me if I was feeling better and when I said yes, he admitted to taking my gun from the house after I told him about wanting to kill myself.  Nice thought, but he would have been better off taking all the pills out of the house.

Erica, I have to admit you ask questions and post problems that make us think.

I suspect if we are brutally honest with ourselves, almost everyone has thought about it, considered it, and perhaps even wanted to do it. I know I have.

The closest I came was one night after a big fight with my STBX. I was "done". And I saw no other future for myself. Lets just say plenty of Black Velvet (a cheap Canadian whisky for you non-drinkers) was in the belly, ammunition was in the clip, clip was in the pistol, pistol was in the hand, barrel was in the mouth, and finger was on the trigger. Any other detail you need to know?

But, surprise, I'm still here. For whatever reason (I'll just believe it's a God thing) I paused for just a moment and reflected on how pulling that trigger would affect people other than the one I wanted to hurt. I think the order of importance shows how screwed up I was at the time, but, best as I can recall, it was:

Work. People I knew wouldn't understand, and commitments I'd made wouldn't be fulfilled.

Friends. Pretty much same as people at work. They'd be pissed I didn't call them and talk it out instead.

Family. Not much there except my son, and I hardly see him. But my STBX's family is like my family (or was before she took on the status of STBX). All would be shocked and ... I don't know ... disappointed?

So the trigger remained un-pulled. And I now see a much better tomorrow than I saw then. Not quite the same experience as Cheydara, but close. I don't think God wanted me to take "cuts" in the line leading to heaven (which is where I believe I will end up).

Everyone suffers: children, siblings, parents and friends. Most likely everyone except the person who "drove you to it", the person you most wanted to hurt when you "did it".

I think I thought of that as well, when my finger lifted from the trigger. It feared it might not hurt the right person.

And now I know it wouldn't have.

I've been married to my husband for going on 7 years this next month, back in June I asked him for a seperation and he agreed to it..Now he's changed his mind and continues to live with me and my kids..It's been a rocky road from the time he changed his mind and it still continues to be a rocky road..I've tried everything from calling the police to trying to get a Restraining Order against him, so yeah, I've thought about commiting sucide several times over the past 5 months..I have 3 beautiful and wonderful children that I love and adore with everything I have and more, but sometimes I feel like ending my life would allow my kids to have a better life themselves..Now usually I'm not the kind of woman to coward out of things that are making me struggle, but most of the time when I contemplate about commiting sucide it's because I feel that there is no other way out of the situation I've created for myself and my children..I've never actually tried to hurt myself in any way, but the thoughts are always there..I've tried Theropy, I've even tried the anti-drugs, but it feels like nothing is helping me, but waking up to my children each and every day, watching them grow into fine young adults and knowing that I had a hand in making them who they will be tomorrow, they are truely my life savers, cuz without them who knows where I'd be today.

I have tried to commit suicide, more than once. I am now of the belief that God is telling me it is not my time. I know now that I didn't want to die but was crying out for help and attention. I was being selfish. I was wanting to end my pain and leave it for my family to handle. I have a new outlook on life. I know now without a shadow of a doubt that I want to live because I am battling some health issues and I am not going to give up. In my heart I don't think Chris really wants to commit suicide either. I believe he also is crying out for the love of his daughter that he misses so much. He loves that little girl so much and killing himself would cause her mental anquish she will never get over.

Only once it was when our daughter was two years old and I lost the baby boy I was carrying while I was four months pregnant. I found out my husband was having an affair three months prior to that, it was a very painful time in my life. I can remember thinking if I just drove into a tree I could end this pain, then I thought of my beautiful daughter and I knew I could never abandon her, she's was kept me alive (not the deadbeat husband I spent another thirteen years with). Even though my divorce has been very difficult it will never compare to that earlier time in my life.

Only once it was when our daughter was two years old and I lost the baby boy I was carrying while I was four months pregnant. I found out my husband was having an affair three months prior to that, it was a very painful time in my life. I can remember thinking if I just drove into a tree I could end this pain, then I thought of my beautiful daughter and I knew I could never abandon her, she's was kept me alive (not the deadbeat husband I spent another thirteen years with). Even though my divorce has been very difficult it will never compare to that earlier time in my life.

Only once it was when our daughter was two years old and I lost the baby boy I was carrying while I was four months pregnant. I found out my husband was having an affair three months prior to that, it was a very painful time in my life. I can remember thinking if I just drove into a tree I could end this pain, then I thought of my beautiful daughter and I knew I could never abandon her, she's was kept me alive (not the deadbeat husband I spent another thirteen years with). Even though my divorce has been very difficult it will never compare to that earlier time in my life.

Amen to that freedom.  A very wise answer.   You are a brave lady.  Keep on keeping on.

You know I got dumped by my ex after 17 yrs of marriage for a tramp he works with.  Yeah I contemplated suicide many times--but I thought about my boys and what would they do without me.  I'm the only stable parent they have left--their dad is a piece of shit (excuse my french) but he never sees them for visitation anymore because he's too involved with this tramp.  And I got to thinkin' I really don't want him raising my kids because I don't want them turning out to be like him - heartless, dickless--etc....  So I have hung on for my boys.  That and the fact that I saw my cousin's husband's dad commit suicide and I saw what that did to him.  He was clinically depressed and supposed to be on meds--but he wasn't taking his meds instead he was drinking himself to death every day and he got a shot gun and killed himself in the garage.  My cousin's husband was an adult when this happened but I saw what that did to him and I can't imagine what it would do to a child, because he had a hard enough time dealing with that as an adult!!  He blames himself and his mom for not making sure his dad was taking his meds but noone could have made him take his meds if he didn't want to.  They thought he was--you can't control what other people do.  I don't mean to be mean by saying this but I feel that suicide is the cowards way out.  It's harder than hell and takes a lot of courage to live each day and go thru all the shit you go thru.  But you need to take each day as they come and try to be positive.  I just feel suicide is like using a permanent solution to a temporary problem and that's what it is.  Like they say - this too shall pass!  I'm going thru alot of crap right now with my ex and want to give up but I've got my boys to live for and I will protect them and love them until  I'm old and gray!! I hope everyone out there that's thinking about this thinks twice before doing something drastic something they can't take back.