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Today I saw my STBX for the first time in nearly 3.5 months. Long story short, we got into a fight one night, she dropped resentments on me that I never heard before and she said she wanted a divorce. I told her at that time I didn't want one, and figured we should give things a better shot, she said she wasn't sure. I said that after only 13 months, I couldn't accept that she was unsure if she wanted to be together, and I needed to know if she was at least willing to work stuff out. She said no, walked out, stayed with her parents. 2 days later she declares herself single on her myspace page. No contact for 3.5 months other than a couple quick, bitchy emails regarding the filing. Well today I saw her for the first time since then as we went to the courthouse to file some final documents to schedule for our final hearing.
Everything is civil and we're getting along fine. Joking around, making small talk. Then after we go to the courthouse and I'm driving her home (she can't drive) and I'm dropping her off, I see that she's been crying. TBH, I feel vindicated at this time. It's the first emotion I've seen from her in the entire process. Though, of course I have new questions, as opposed to the ones I've held for 3.5 months.
What is crying about? Is it about me, or about the state or her life? I'm going to guess a mixture of both. I told myself I wouldn't snoop at her myspace page at all. I had done it early on and it just broke my heart. She was all smiles, out having fun, and seeing the single status just made me feel like a fool. I checked it again today, figuring well, I couldn't be in worse shape than I was already in seeing that seeing her made lots of feelings come back. I see she wrote some poem a few weeks ago talking about how she felt lied to and that she was destroyed. Talk about not expressing those feelings at all to me. I guess I just don't know what to feel about this. I've gone over the relationship a million times. I wasn't perfect and neither was she.
We had and can have fun together, but a marriage for us just doesn't work as we don't see eye to eye on so many of the mechanics of a relationship. Also, financially we have no future together, in addition to her goals for the future, which don't include much. I feel stupid continuing to mourn a person that walked out on me. I feel stupid continuing to obsess over a person who declared themself single after 2 days. I feel stupid being sad over a person who gave up on us after 13 months. I miss my friend.
I've felt at times her initial plan was for me to run after her and when I didn't, she was pissed. Now that things are becoming more final, maybe she's starting to realize the reality of the situation. It's all speculation. I don't see any way to rectify the situation, simply on a friendship basis. I cover it up pretty well, but when I think about her, I hurt, even rationally knowing she wasn't a super catch. I guess I'm just confused and I wish I wasn't.