How long should I give this a try?

I am posting to this group because, just when I thought that I had made up my mind, I am having second thoughts about leaving my husband. Here's my basic summary of the situation. If you read any earlier blogs, I apologize for repeating myself! I have talked to him twice about getting a separation. Each time I end up crying and agreeing to try a little bit longer. Well, the second time I talked to him he must have realized that I was serious. Lately he has been acting all sweet and doing some things differently. He works night shift, which I never liked. I hate coming home to an empty apartment after work(I work 4-midnight). He never seemed to listen before when I told him how lonely and sad I feel, sleeping alone most nights. Now, tomorrow he has an interview for a job where he would be working during the day. He also has been driving me to work and buying me cute little presents. I go to counseling and take medication for depression. I am not blaming him for all of my problems, but he seems to think that my depression is the problem. I feel like the medication and counseling are helping me to break out of the fog of depression that I was living in. Now, I am taking a good look at my life and seeing that I need to make some changes. In a couple of weeks I start a new job that I think will suit me much better. I wonder if the way that he is acting is going to last or if he will go back to his old ways as soon as he feels safe and thinks that I will not leave. I thought that I had made up my mind to split, but now I am wondering if I should give things more time. I am thinking that if he is willing to make some changes(be more responsible, go to counseling himself), that we could make things work. My counselor thinks that I should talk to him about some specific things that I would like to see him do and see if he does them. She also pointed out that even if he does everything that I asked him to do, it may not be enough for me. Maybe just too little, too late. I guess my question is how much time should I give this? A few months to see if he is willing to work on things? At what point do you decide to just throw in the towel? I would like to be able to say that I tried and did not just run away when things got tough.

by meteor 488 Posts
Posted on 9/11/2008 3:50 AM

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Answers for "How long should I give this a try?" (5) (You must be logged in to answer)

Regardless of which side of the fence you decide to fall, you are going to have to live with yourself. And having regrets, second thoughts, etc., is no way to live. Both my counselor and my friend told me to make sure I really believe I have done everything I could to make it work before falling off the fence on the divorce side. It sounds like you're not there yet, and until you are, my advice is to work on the marriage.

I'll ditto the "get couples counseling" advice. If communication is an issue, my experience is it's usually the dynamic between you causing that (vs. just one of you having a "communication problem"). Separate counseling for either or both of you may be useful for individual issues, as well, but can't really address your dynamics.

And I think BlueB's last paragraph is spot on. The behavior changes probably won't be permanent just because change is hard. But if they're done with a good heart, positive reinforcement from you, coupled with a constructive talk (there's communication skills involved) when things slip, should keep him on track.

You have my best wishes for finding a smooth road to happiness. And do let us know how it goes.

by jhs 555 Posts
Posted on 9/12/2008 8:58 AM

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Thank you, everybody. BlueB, it is funny that you mention communication. Some of my friends are quick to blame D for all of our problems, but I have to admit that I do not always communicate just what it is that I want and how unhappy that I am. I appreciate his applying for the other job more than he knows. He went to the interview today and it turns out that it is not right for him(only part-time, not full-time as he had thought and it actually pays less than he makes now). Still, I am touched that he was willing to make that switch for me.

Sheilah, thank you for thinking of me. I did not know that you tried to work on things for 3 years. I figure that I have been in this relationship for 5 years, so what's the hurry to get out? Marriage is a serious thing and I do want to at least try for a while before walking away from this. The more I look at the situation, D is more clueless than anything else. He is not a mean guy and I can't exactly blame him for not being a mindreader. I don't know if he would go for couples counseling. I would be happy if he went to individual counseling for himself. I wonder sometimes if he is depressed, too.

by meteor 488 Posts
Posted on 9/12/2008 12:47 AM

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Meteor- I was just wondering how you have been! I think that if you are having serious second thoughts, maybe you should give him more time. As I have said before, our husbands are very similar. Mine did try to change several times and I went back in forth on what to do. I stayed around for at least three years after I first wanted to leave. After those three years, I am now able to say that, yes, I do want to leave, no question. So, if you think that maybe you should try to work things out, go ahead and stay. I think that when you are meant to leave, you will know it. good luck

by sheilah 175 Posts
Posted on 9/11/2008 6:04 AM

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I think you should definitely give your husband a chance to change, and I agree that interviewing for a new job is a HUGE step. If he is willing to make such a significant change, I think that shows the depth of his love for you. My wife recently told me that she is considering getting separated. Without going into our whole story, I was shocked, although in retrospect, I should have seen it coming. I never cheated, was never cruel and from the outside, never did anything "wrong". As I look at it now, there were so many sins of omission over the years. However, I love my wife deeply, and if we can both get back on the same team, I would be willing to do almost anything to keep together. Perhaps, like I did to wife, your husband took you for granted. That doesn't mean he didn't love you, or can't change. And, as you said yourself, you don't want to be looking back 5 years from now and wondering what if? If you to are not going to couples counseling, I would highly suggest it, and get everything on the table there. Good luck!

by etrain17 42 Posts
Posted on 9/11/2008 4:50 AM

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You have some trust issues with him. But, look at his actions...he interviewed for a job that has the hours you would like. This is a HUGE step. Unless I'm missing something, dropping one job to get another to make you happy isn't the same as picking up after himself or doing chores for a couple of weeks...it's a whole new dimension. Will he revert back to old habits? It's a possibility. I don't know ALL your issues with him, but you both need to figure out some better and more effective communication skills to try to keep some of that in check.

That is the problem with my wife, and she puts it the same way you do...maybe it's too little too late. Well, sometimes issues are deeper than that and it takes time and patience to make a marriage work. As long as you see an effort on his part, I think you should try to make this work. There are always going to be obstacles to overcome, some from outside the marriage and some from within. You will always have to work at this. He may revert to old ways, but when that happens, you might need to reel him back in. He knows it's serious now...maybe he'll take the lesson to heart. I know I did. Give it a chance to work, otherwise you might be looking yourself in the mirror later and regretting that you didn't do all you could.

I hope that helps. Good luck!!!

by BlueB 2982 Posts
Posted on 9/11/2008 4:15 AM

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