Having Children in a Second Marriage

I'm glad to see that this is something that is on everyone's minds. Really, what I mean to say is that I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling or thinking about this after the conversation with my girlfriend.

I have more to say on this subject but it merits another journal post. 

Glad to hear everyone share their stories.

-duchick you made me laugh with the "holy chaos, Batman".  and yes bp going through a rough period right now.  Again, it's a reminder that just because the ex is no longer in our life, their decisions affect us for the rest of our lives if there are children involved.

Well, my mom divorced when I was 4, remarried when I was 6, and had two more children with my step-father.  He legally adopted me since bio-dad was basically not in the picture.  It was weird for everyone at first, especially since he didn't have any children before he married my mom, but eventually it came to feel like a family.  He never treated me any differently than his biological children and to this day I consider him my father, as he considers me his daughter.  No distinction is drawn between me and his biological children.

Oh, and bp, holy chaos, Batman!  I'm so sorry that your ex is trying to drag you into her drama!

I would say it depends on the parent...and how they choose to handle things. It does not have to be that the parents of the new children treat older  children they might have differently. Now to me I would think things would be handled differently because there is an ex that will need to be dealt with. In other words..a step mom may have to step back and say...this is between you and your ex wife. Just because the ex is the blood parent and there SHOULD be boundaries. 
But to treat children better because they are the children of the new marriage is wrong. The older children need reassurance from the parents that this will not happen. I know a couple who raised his children from a previous marriage and then had one of their own. He is treated no differently by either parent. I have to say from what I have seen of them they are one of the few divorced families that made things work without fussing and fighting . Of course I didn't see things in the beginning nor behind closed doors but I saw them in front of the children and they made things work.
If you are thinking about having more children with a new person....just be careful how you handle things...

As a child of divorced parents, I can say I always worried that my parents (who both remarried) would have kids with the new spouses....  I think I felt that I would become sort of a "bad memory" of their old, failed marriage.  
Now that I have kids, I believe this would not have been true - as a parent, I cannot imagine loving my kids less, regardless of what happens to me / my current marriage. 
As a child, I wasn't mature enough to think of that....

"...worrying about divorce..." - I can only imagine that once touched by this "evil", we will always be aware of the "red pill" or "blue pill" syndrome of knowledged.

I posted and it got lost. Thanks for sharing. Wow BP you've been in quite a ride. I love my b/f and would love to have a child with him. Who doesn't when they're in love, right? But we decided that we would not have children. We have 4 beautiful kids between the two of us and quite frankly my divorce left me emotionally spent. What if this "loving relationship" I'm in changes? Ends? Then what? Another child I have to fight about. I'm not ready for that and I don't think I ever will be. I think to some degree Paula is right. Sharing a child is special. No matter where you end up - married or divorced. Honestly! When does worrying about divorce stuff end?

Ok, since I don't have first marriage kids, anything I say is suspect.  Then again, what's different from anything else I say?  I can see what your girlfriend is saying.  I think on a personal level I agree.  But I don't know to what degree.  I think that the parents may love their children a little more, but to the point of favoritism?  not necessarily.  As a step child and a half brother to two wonderful sisters, here's the thing:

I always felt that my step parents loved their natural children (my sisters) more than me. My step dad doted on my sister, and she got spoiled far more than I did.  Is that really because she was a step?  or is it because she's a girl?  That I can't answer, but to this day I suspect the former.  I don't hold it against him, in fact, we get along great.  Because I do know that he loves me, even if it's a little less, than my sis. 

My step mom was the same, but she never showed favoritism.  I think she treated us equally, but you could see the difference in her eye.  That's fine.  If you look at my sisters and I we all grew up pretty well.  I love them both, and they've always been "Real" sisters to me. And I don't thing the "half" stigma affected our relationship.  So look at me, would you mind a Rob in your family?  If not then I think it's fine to have second family kids.

Me, As per today's post...I'm hoping I find a woman who wants them.  If not, then that's fine too, but It is something I want.  And if she already has children, I would hold it in my heart to love them just as if they were my own.

 

"...Mrs Ex is...pregnant..." - My former spouse is pregnant (...unexpectedly...) with the relationship that she has with her "friend"; and, according to statements that she has made to me since informing me of this fact, this is not were she wanted to be in her life with their relationship.

My only initial concern with for our daughter and our little girl would react to this new revelation. There are too many dynamics involved to fully understand what is happening but I do take away the following concept as our life after the divorce steps forward: She was pregnant prior to our final decree. This fact does not change anything other than it is factual.

• This fact does not make us less divorced or more divorced.
• Her pregnancy is none of my concern except on how it impacts on our daughter.
• I have informed her that I am not using this current status of her life as anything that can be positive or detrimental in our joint custody.

She has asked me for financial assistance in the way of allowing for her to stop any payments on the lease of the home that I own while she is on maternity leave.

• I have kindly informed her that:
• ...she has a savings account that I funded prior to our divorce so that no payments are stopped.
• ...that her "friend" should step forward to make sure that she is in good financial standing.
• ...that there is no reason why I would need to finance any of her pregnancy.

I have stated that I cannot be a friend but I am not an enemy; and, I can always think clear to the point that some form of acceptance will need to be in place so that our daughter does not somehow sense that the pending birth of "their baby" is a bad thing for her. Just some random thoughts from a male that did not ask to be a part of this

"...take away..." - Love is very difficult to gauge in many respects from the perception of the 3rd person involved; although, I can imagine that as you qualify your relationship with the person that you wish to have a child with, the "unconditional" factor does start to weigh in and each individual impacts one another in a positive way along with a possible negative way. Children thrive on love and understanding; and, you (...SuYin...) seem to readily demonstrate both of these very important elements of life.

this is a tough one.  i know there are plenty of great step-parents out there...and great examples of blended families working really, really well.

but i can't help but think that yes, if my ex had another child he would favor that child over his girlfriends kids. 

and i don't think it's about biology either...millions of adopted families would prove that.  that's shared..as in 'this is now our child, together'.

my ex would see his girlfriends kids as hers and her ex's children....and his kids with her (if he did this, which i hope he does not), as 'our' kids.  right?

wrong?

i don't know.