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Is true love enough?

I've been married for 7 years. 2 children, age 2 and 5. My relationship with my wife has always been the one held out by our friends as the ideal. In truth, we have so much of what I see lacking in other relationships, but we lack something ourselves that I didn't not even know existed until about 4 months ago.

In 12 years of being with my wife, I can count on one hand the number of times that we have held hands or walked arm in arm. She used to ask me why I never hugged her or held her hand etc. and my response was "It's just not me. I'm not really into that." After saying it enough, I began to believe it.

Fastforward to 4 months ago. A woman who works for me and whom I have known for 5 years and loved for about 3 years, told me that she felt the same way. This was a total surprise to me. I spent the next day lying in bed feeling sick, because I knew where it would lead if I continued the discussion with her. 4 months later, we have continued to talk about our feelings, we've kissed but nothing more.

I've written and said so many beautiful things to her yet I find it impossible to describe to anyone else how I feel for her and she for me. It is an all-consuming love where every minute apart from her creates a constant almost unbearable pull on my heart. The love that we share I have never felt and I know i can never acheive with my wife. I have thought about the "novelty" of the situation and the newness of the relationship as factors, but even if our love does change in the future, we are starting at a point so high, I'm sure it will still be wonderful until the day we die.

This will be a total surprise to my wife if I tell her, because up until now our relationship has been rock solid. We've scarcely fought (friends don't fight that often though) and I think that's what our relationship amounts to -a good friendship.

I can accept all of the pain and sorrow that leaving my wife will inflict on she and others, but my children...not knowing how this will effect them kills me. The love I have found now will forever be my benchmark, I know I cannot let it go. I respect my wife and love my children completely. What do I do?

Thanks for reading what I had tried (unsuccessfully) to make brief.

by Teetering 13 Posts
Posted on 8/27/2008 9:17 PM

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Answers for "Is true love enough?" (11) (You must be logged in to answer)

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by __STRIKER__ 1399 Posts
Posted on 6/17/2009 6:17 AM

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All I have to say is passion is a powerful thing. A relationship without it is just a friendship really.

by Forward 6 Posts
Posted on 8/28/2008 7:27 PM

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okay i know you left this days ago but let me tell you in my marriage as of right now is not going so well either okay... i jus want to tell you that u cant help how you feel about people sometimes our feelings over come our hearts... but if you feel like this towrads your wife you should at least show her the respect and tell her how you feel and tell her basically everything... because she deserves that but how you feel towards her is different and you feel that you are in love with this other women... and all i can say is just be real with yourself and far as your children you can always be apart in there lives...

by nekiaiabeauty 2 Posts
Posted on 8/28/2008 6:21 PM

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mmmm, well I can say that the way you described your wife....

If she came on here and you didn't know her, but saw her post reading about how wonderful a wife and mother, how long you have been married, etc, etc...how she did nothing to deserve this...how her husband had left her for another woman, left her and the kids....what advice would you give to her?

I agree that this might just be the best justification for an affair BUT it still was you making a choice to have an affair. And believe me, your wife will not give two toots how much you feel for this woman when she has only herself and ya'll's children to consider.

You have to make a choice. With either woman, rip it off like you would a band-aid but be kind and understanding if she responds with a lot of anger. Take what you got coming to you like a man....cuz you know it's coming if you decide to tell your wife! And just make sure you keep in touch with your kids. If you decide to leave your wife, that doesn't mean you have to leave your children...(live elsewhere, but you can always be there for them and make another life with them outside from your wife's)

Good luck and let us all know how things go!

by Jams 236 Posts
Posted on 8/28/2008 3:27 PM

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Thank you so much for the answers. Please keep them coming.

Before this experience, if someone had asked me if I could control my feelings, I would have said yes. I would even have said that you can choose whom you love. I now know that for me, this is not true. I cannot control the way I feel, but I can control my actions.

That said, the thought of this other woman not being in my life literally makes me ill. When I think about it for more than a few minutes, my legs get heavy and my stomach bunches up. Early on I tried to make myself accept that the right thing to do was to end things with the other woman. That resulted in about a three week period where I was unable to eat and lost 10lbs (I'm thin as it is so that was pretty substantial). Again, I've never really been in a situation where my feelings were running the show, so that was all new to me -and very difficult.

But here's a recurring thought that I have: My children's love for their father is everybit as all-consuming as his love for this other woman. I can make a choice, but they cannot. I agree that I would ultimately be miserable if I stay with my wife, and this would not be lost on her or the children as they got older and more perceptive. But is that a sacrifice I should make for them? Is an intact, but emotionally detached relationship between parents better than a partially absent father?

One thing I am pretty sure of is that choosing anything but my family in this situation is selfish and will always be viewed that way by just about everyone -maybe even my own children.

by Teetering 13 Posts
Posted on 8/28/2008 7:50 AM

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Affairs usually result in something that's missing from your marriage that one partner isn't providing the other. I think you found it in this other person. I'm not sure I can condone the affair...IMHO, you should have either tried to work things out with your wife if possible or gotten divorced before persuing this other woman. But, that said, maybe it wasn't until this relationship began flourishing that you realized what you had with her.

As far as what you should do now...I think you know what you need to do. You can't keep burning the candle at both ends here...one has to go. The longer you put it off, the worse it will be on everyone. Your wife probably won't understand and will most likely be hurt by all this. You can't avoid that. You don't spend 12 years with someone and have it not hurt. OTOH, if you continue to stay with your wife knowing that the person you truly love more can't be with you and you with her, how much more miserable are you going to be in your marriage? How will you keep that from leeching into everyday life and affecting everyone around you?

You have articulated your feelings well on this post...in fact, I don't think I've ever heard a better justification yet about having an affair. But, in the end, it's an affair. You need to come clean with your wife and take measures to bring closure to your marriage before pursuing the other woman in ernest. I think you owe at least that much to your wife, whom if you don't love you do respect. If the other woman truly loves you the way you love her, she'll wait until the divorce is final, and you can pick up the relationship again.

There is no way out of this without hurting people. It won't be easy. I guess the big question for you is what's going to make you more miserable...staying in a marriage that you find unsatisfying for the sake of the kids or being apart from the woman you truly love? You are the only person who can answer that question. Good Luck!!!

by BlueB 2982 Posts
Posted on 8/28/2008 3:52 AM

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Oh, and I must add, even though you realize that you and your wife are just great friends, she isn't going to feel that way. And it's really hard to have a best friend who is in love with you.

by sheilah 175 Posts
Posted on 8/28/2008 3:34 AM

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I feel the same way towards my husband that you do towards your wife. It would just be so much easier if I hated him. And it's so hard to explain to anyone that knows you because they don't see what's wrong in the relationship. When I told my mom about things, she admitted that she never really felt a spark with my dad, yet they are still together 42 years later. So why can't that be good enough for me?

It's just too bad that you didn't realize that there was something wrong before the woman entered the picture. You need to act now on this before it starts to get out of hand. The longer that you are not truthful with your wife, the harder it will be on everyone. As hard as you try not to, you are going to start to hurt your wife because you won't be able to act the same way around her as you have in the past. She'll know that something is wrong and the longer you hide it, the harder it will be to say it.

If you and your wife are really good friends and can remain that way, this might not be as hard on your children as you think it might be. I think it's better to have to parents who get along great, but are no longer together, than to have two parents that are together but are not happy.

There was another man in my life, but the feeling there ended up being one way. And it was my husband who was there to try and comfort me when my "other man" was done with me.

by sheilah 175 Posts
Posted on 8/28/2008 3:28 AM

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I would say you should stay with your wife. Wish I had more time to talk, but divorce sucks and the things it does to your kids is awful. Sorry dude, but I vote for your wife and I think you could have all the love you desire with her.

Maybe you should try this...

Every morning look in the mirror and say,
"I will love my wife."

I wish I had done that. I have been divorced for a year and I still love that woman but I didn't do such a good job of showing it when we started to have "money" problems. I wish I would have done something like that to keep me motivated during the hard times.

Good luck.

by Vincent 84 Posts
Posted on 8/28/2008 1:02 AM

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I had to respond to your post because of my parents' story, which may make you feel less guilty. My parents divorced and months later my father married a woman who worked for him. I was angry at first, but came to accept her. Even as a child, I knew that my parents were not right for each other and were unhappy. My father and stepmother were much more compatible and were together until the day that he died. In the end, I am glad that he finally married someone who was right for him and that she brought so much happiness to his last years.
I think that my point is that your children may be more perceptive than you know and may sense that there is something off about Mom and Dad's relationship. If you and this other woman pursue a relationship, they will hopefully accept the situation out of love for you. Even when I was upset with my father for"what he did to Mom", I saw that he was happier and more relaxed with his new wife.

by meteor 488 Posts
Posted on 8/28/2008 12:43 AM

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Teetering, I can't believe I'm gonna say this considering all that I have been through after 18 years of marriage, but you may have met your soulmate. Different people in an attempt to comfort me have said that maybe he just wasn't my soulmate. In an attempt to console myself, I must now try and believe this. My spouse has told me after cheating, that he doesn't think he was the person for me. The pain that this caused after all these years to hear that! He also said that there must be someone out there for me. WOW! Read my question and you will hear my story. I still can't deal with my issue, but in the meantime I will try to give you advice.

by suna 6 Posts
Posted on 8/27/2008 10:23 PM

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