Wife wants to have an affair and then come back???

There are so many aspects to an open marriage type of set-up and so many varying degrees of what's acceptable to each couple, so my entire point is that it is up to you on what you can and can't handle and you both must agree completely or it will never work. And I mean either agree that it can't be done all together or explicit rules on what can be done if it is agreed to have an open marriage.

I don't know...and I am actually quite afraid to say anything more on the matter, honestly, other than to say, talk, talk, talk to your wife about what she is wanting from this and have her read/research what the implications/repercussions of doing this are before either of you decide for sure that you want to go through with it or dismiss it.

I can offer you book titles and websites that gave me so much valuable information on the subject and let you both decide from there if you would like, though I have admit that from your comments, I think an open marriage just isn't right for you and a boundary that you should not even consider crossing. You will end up resenting her if you 'give in' because you love her, no matter if she ends up leaving, or if she ends up staying or even if she ends up with no other lovers.

Okay, my 2 cents on this one because...well...how do I say it? Open marriage has been a discussion before in my marriage as well.

I have plenty of self-respect, respect my husband, know exactly what my marriage vows mean to me and have strong morals/ethics, but take it how you will, I suppose. I'm really going to be putting my neck out here to say this...so here goes...

Before you and your wife do ANYTHING, speak to a counselor about the ramifications of this and make up your mind if it is something YOU can handle. Also, there are quite a few books/websites specifically on what can/can't happen in opening up a marriage, which should really be looked at by her and you before you can really decide if this is something you can handle.

What I see in a couple of your remarks is your scared that you will lose her completely. I don't see much security at least on your part in your view of your relationship. That right there is a red flag as to why it probably won't work for you, though I could be wrong. Sure, there is always the risk, but it's up to you, and you alone, as to how much risk you are willing to take and how secure you feel about your relationship with your wife.

I have to say that speaking from someone that discussed an open marriage with my husband, it took some guts on her part to mention it, especially if she hasn't had an affair before. If she hasn't had an affair in the past, I can see how she feels secure enough in her relationship with you that it is comfortable, just as a marriage should be, and she feels she is missing something sexually/romantically towards you. She probably does love you, and loves you very deeply, and wants to stay in the marriage, though at what cost to her and to you?

If you feel it is cruel, then by all means, stick to your guns and say "no way, no how". You have your boundaries that you have to stick by, so now you really have to decide what are your true deal-breakers.

Tell her its her choice to have the 'affair', but make sure she packs all her things before she leaves to meet him.  The locks will be changed upon her return, and you'll have divorce papers waiting.

Having your cake and eating it too? Show her the finger, and get some self-respect.
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I thought it was just me going through this

Thanks Jams, that's so true (although it's hard to push back the urge to beg).

Marriage is between two people...if you add a third person, it just gets crowded and uncomfortable!

Show her you respect yourself and that you want a "real marriage" not this ridiculous facade she is considering. Respect yourself so that she can respect you. Doesn't sound like anyone is respecting you right now (you or your wife)....

Well, let me say that under the right circumstances, an open marriage CAN work.  Like I said, if you both can separate sex from love...in other words, have sex with someone else but still have love AND sex with eachother, it can work.  But, if one partner can't do that, it won't.  It really is an all-or-nothing deal, and it sounds like you really aren't on board with it, so it won't work.

Plus, there's her motives, which you really aren't positive about.  For an open marriage to work there has to be a trust level where you are confident that your partner won't run away with someone else.  You don't have that.  She might, but you don't really know.

I guess my advice to you is this:  Unless you feel like your marriage is on solid footing and that you trust your wife implicitly and she you, agree to the open marriage.  It might enhance your life.  But, from everything you've written, you don't really want to do this and you don't have the confidence in your relationship to do this without jealousy rearing its head.  The way things are right now, DO NOT enter into an open marriage, even if it seem like the only way to save your marriage...it won't, and you're right about this...all that will happen if you agree to it will be the loss of your self-respect.  It's not worth it.

See if she'll go to counseling.  If she won't, then I think you have your answer as to whether or not this marriage will work.  She wants to date other men, let her do it without a safety net.  I hope that helps.

Thank you all for the very insightful (yet painful) comments. She says that she wants an open marriage because she still loves me but she feels trapped.  My concern is that once I let her go, she'll never come back.  Perhaps the most frustrating thing about all of this is seeing how little self-respect I have given that I'm even willing to consider such an option.  I had thought an open marriage just meant sex, but apparently to her it means emotional attachment too.  I know the answer to my question is easy, it just seems so hard to accept.

I guess I'm a little confused here.  She hasn't had the affair yet, but she wants to "test the waters" then come back?  Or is she already had the affair and it's over and wants to come back?

I was in the same boat you were.  I accepted her offer of an open marriage in a desperate effort to save the marriage.  After all, sex is sex, love is love.  I thought that if she could love me but get her physical needs met by someone else, this could work.  The only problem with that is that she is confused about how she feels about me, so she isn't sure if she loves me anymore.  When the other man left, she was an emotional wreck.  It hit me then that it wasn't just sex between them, otherwise, she would not have been so devastated.

Having been at your crossroads, my advice to you is this:  If she isn't sure how she feels about you romantically, but you are sure about how you feel about her, then you need to get to counseling.  If she doesn't have any romantic feelings for you and never will, you need to get a divorce so that you can each pursue whatever it is that will make you happy.  This one stings...I won't lie.  But, if you truly love your wife, you will want her to be happy, so you will have to let her go.  One day, you will find your own happiness without her.  I know it doesn't seem that way now, but how much more miserable would you be obsessing about her being with other men, then coming home to you?

And, for that matter, could you pursue other women and not get emtionally involved?  Would this truly be a two way street?  I think she wants the security of a "fall back" relationship, both emotionally and financially, while she explores other options.  Is that really fair to you?  Will you meet her lover, shake hands?  Months later, will you welcome him into your house to help her move her things out of your house and into his?

Just my two cents, for what it's worth.  Good luck!!!

Ok, so does she want an open marriage, or is it just a one time deal?  Is your wife prepared for when you go out for your affair and find the woman of your dreams, then dump your wife for the new woman?

1)Can your marriage survive her saying that she is no longer romantically interested in you?  Maybe, if the two of you can work on it and her feelings change.

2)Can it survive the both of you having someone else on the side? I think that the odds are against it.

3)Is there a point with staying with someone emotionally so cruel?  You really don't need an answer to that one do you?

Remember the vows you guys took? Love, Honor, Cherish, Richer Poor Better Worse Sickness Health...FORESAKING ALL OTHERS... did she forget that part? Or did she think it was just fluff and filler to make the ceremony longer? 

And what kind of moral compass will you be setting for your kids doing something like that? It's selfish. 

I suggest you two either sleep together on the couch of a marriage counselor or call it quits.

Wow. I would look REAL HARD for genuine remorse or you better get ready for court.

What are you contributing and epecting from the marriage?