Just found out my wife had an affair

This happened to me (8 month active affair). I stayed with her for fear of being away from my daughter, the true love of my life. Eventually, I couldn't stand it any longer and I moved out a year later.

Bottom line: It is a sickness and very unattractive to be accomodating and supportive to someone who consciously decides it is okay to hurt you, not to mention ruin the kids' happiness.  Have some self-respect and do the hard thing.  She will never respect you if you stay anyway.  Who wants to be with a doormat?  She won't confirm that, but it is true.  This is a lose-lose situation.

Now, she might make you feel bad if you leave, as if it is your choice to break up the family. Don't listen to that nonsense.

Staying together for an entire year after this created massive unhappiness for me, but it may be something you have to experience for yourself.  I hope not.  Good luck.  Just take care of those kids.  They are number 1 and definitely deserve better than they will get.

If she does end up with someone else, noone can ever replace you as your children's father!  You are their dad no matter what and as long as you stay involved in their lives, noone will ever replace you ever!!  You are their dad and they only have one dad.  My ex lives with his girlfriend and I swore to him that she isn't going to replace me as their mom--I would rather poke myself in the eye than let that happen!!  Of course that won't happen because he hardly has them anymore--he's too involved with her and keeping tabs on her all the time!!  Well he chose that life not me!!  But you are their dad and noone can change that at all.  You do have alot to think about and if you don't have much in common other than the kids I think you have almost answered your questions.  It is hard to make the split because you have so much time invested in the relationship and hate to give all that up without a fight or without trying.  But sometimes you need to think it thru and decide what would be best, you need to weigh your pros and cons I guess.  Good luck to you, and it's a good idea you have to get away for the long weekend with the kids and get away from her to think it thru!  Good luck!! :)

Thanks again to everyone for their responses.  I'm not sure at all what to do and really just need some time away from her.  I'm taking the kids away for the three day weekend and I hope that will give me some time to process this without having to see her so much.  I doubt if I will ever trust her again and I also am not sure I want to fight for something that wasn't so perfect to begin with.  The more I think about it, the more I realize that we mainly have the kids in common and not that much else.  My other fear is that she will end up with some guy who doesn't like kids, or on the flip side, tries to become their Dad.  So much to think about!

I'm so sorry you are going thru this.  I guess the thing you need to ask yourself, is are you happy with her and can you trust her again, and another question is this marriage worth saving?!  Would she agree to marriage counseling to talk thru and understand why she cheated and lied to you in the first place after that long of being married.  I know the pain you are going thru because my ex cheated and lied to me and we were married 17 yrs with 2 boys.  He just up and said one day he wasn't happy and I found out about "her", and that was it.  I don't like divorce and consider it the last straw but he wanted the divorce and wanted to go off with her.  She says she wants to come back, but will you be able to trust her again and do you want to try and make it work with her.  Of course she has seen this guy for what he truly is and has realized the grass isn't greener on the other side of the street--but you need to think about yourself right now and do what's best for you and trust your gut instinct.  I always say once a cheat always a cheat, but I also say that if a person wants to change they will, but you can't change the person--believe me I tried to change my ex and it didn't work at all.  But you need to take care of yourself and not worry about any possible STD's (not saying she's bringing them home) but you need to protect yourself.  You really need to think it thru and see what the answer to all those questions are.  I believe people can salvage their marriage if they truly want to and they truly want to work on it, every relationship is work and if both people are committed then it will be just fine!  Good luck to you, I wish you the best!!

Really sucks.... there are some great books and web sites out there that go over step by step what to do and what to expect.

A point in your favor is that fact that she still wants to work on the marriage.

I would suggest you soul search and figure out what part you played in all of this. Nothing you have done or not done justifies her actions but there could be some things you need to work on for yourself. If you still want this woman in your life u have a long road ahead of you. But it could be worth it.

Were you Happy before this?

One of the things I have been reading about is the idea two people are drawn to each other to work out issues that presented themselves in childhood. The person(s) we are with help us to finally realize the issues and we are able to address them and find happiness...with our partner or without.


Good luck!  

Don't be afraid to cry.
 

I am four weeks into this -- I brought the affairs up at our meeting yesterday and while he didn't say he had an affair he did not deny it either -- and with all of my information and proof sitting in front of him he just smiled.  The betrayal of infidelity is what hurts the most.  Confronting him face to face took a big burden off of me but I still think about it a lot.  My cousin who is two years into this says she finally woke up one morning and she was happy.  I guess we just all have to wait for that day to come.

She has realized the grass isn't always greener on the other side, it sounds.  But remember 1 thing - which has helped me is this saying....
What goes around comes around...

It may take years before you can actually believe it, but you are probably better off without her.  
Good luck and remember you are not alone..
You have wonderful children - enjoy them and try to put her out of your every thought.

I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry that that happened to you.  It's SO difficult to realize that the people we thought were one kind of a person, weren't.  I wish for you the strength to handle this situation within your family, and lots of love for your children. 
;-(

Thanks, this is helpful stuff.  Last night, for the first time EVER, I started checking up on my wife, went through our home PC and found out she's basically been leading a double life.  She is at home all day with our kids and the kids she watches in her daycare.  I thought that was an environment where she couldn't have an affair even if she wanted one.  She's got email accounts I didn't know existed.  She's opened up department store credit cards using my name and has them all maxed out.  She's signed up for social websites that require monthly fees.  I don't even know this woman.  I trusted her 100% with everything.  I never checked a bank statement, a cell phone bill, never opened her phone or tried to snoop in her email.  I let her go out at night with her friends without even asking where she was going or who she was going with.  I don't want to live a life where I have to check that stuff, and I am not sure I can ever trust anyone again.  I'm starting to hate her.

I have been exactly where you are right now, and it's hell. It is pure hell. 15 year marriage, two children and busted my wife having an affair with one of my "friends". It is the most devastating thing I've ever had to deal with. Maybe I should feel lucky because I know people who had to deal with worse (cancer, death), but it crushed me. We are now 1 1/2 years out from the discovery. I also wanted my wife to leave and told her I'd get custody of the kids. She claimed she was suicidal. I spent some nights in a hotel...she spent some nights in a hotel. All I can tell you is definitely give yourself some time before making a permanent decision and do not -- do not -- tell the children you are getting a divorce until you are 100% sure you are. That may seem obvious, but at times you will want a divorce and other times you'll think you can work it out. A year and a half later, we are still together but I still have my doubts sometimes. We told our children that we were going to spend some time apart (we specifically told them that we were not getting a divorce) and our 10 year old could not handle it. The children provide such a strong incentive to stay together but when trust is destroyed, it is very, very tough. You start seeing shadows around every corner. Another piece of advice: your wife has to stop all contact with this guy. Again, that may seem obvious, but believe me, she will rationalize in her mind that it's o.k. to call him and see how it's going with his marriage and/or tell him about the fall out with your marriage. Check her cell phone records. If she can't stop contacting him, to hell with her. Hang in there, and the emotions will start to subside and eventually your gut instincts will start to come back and give you guidance on whether your wife is really committed to putting the marriage back together. If she is not, then the decision is made for you. If she is, then you'll have to decide if you want to stay married to her.  It ain't easy.

I am about three weeks ahead of you and here is what i did.

I settled down and went to neutral. I did NOT want to make an emotional decision. I then looked for remorse. Unfortunately I did not get the degree I needed.

It takes TWO to fix this and you really need to be honest with yourself about the next three years of your life where you will not have full trust for someone you have and will be intimate with