How to overcome depression or apathy

We've All Been There  - Meltdowns   

It was late 1999.  I was lying - fetal position -  in bed, during the midafternoon, staring at the television blankly.  Tears were running down my cheek.  I wasn't thinking about anything in particular - it was an overall pervasive feeling of sadness.  My oldest son walked in and asked me what was wrong.   I tried to make light of it, but I knew that I was sinking down into a big, black hole and didn't care if I resurfaced.  I had disconnected.  

 

At  the urging of my family and friends, I went to a counselor who assured me that depression, apathy, carelessness about appearance and meltdowns were normal reactions to divorce.  It may seem silly - how could I not know? - but being told that it was a temporary situation, rather than permanent, was a great relief.    

What I Learned  

My counselor taught me that taking my power back was the ladder out of the hole.  Acting "as if" I was in control and could make choices would aid the recovery.   Acting "as if" I was motivated and had energy would help me get back into the living.  I learned to go through the motions  "as if". My kids went from being concerned that I was crying  -  to wondering if I was crazy because they could hear me speaking out loud to myself.   "Terri, what would you like to do now?"  "I think that I would like to take a walk", I would reply.  "Okay, let's do that" and off "we" would go!  

 

I learned that dance made me feel alive again.  Endorphins shook loose as I thrashed about to "Hit Me Baby One More Time".  The only problem was that I had to stand on the high bathroom vanity countertop to gain a full view of my dancing style in the mirror.  During one especially frenzied movement,  I took one step backwards too far and fell off.  Ow.  That hurt!  

 

I then descended from the bathroom vanity onto the floor and imagined "us" (me and my pretend future boyfriend) dancing in a bear hug or with my right hand extended.  This was lots of fun but the downside became apparent when I went out on my first dancing date months later.  It was a lovely restaurant with a three piece band.  I enjoyed this particular man's company but was so sad when I realized that he had two left feet.  We stumbled and butted up against each other for a better portion of the evening.  He finally turned to me and asked me to stop leading!!  I was mortified!  I said, "I'm sorry.  My only partner for the past 10 months was my imagination and a mirror..."   

 

I learned that getting together with my neighborhood married girlfriends and laughing was incredibly helpful.  They gave me the opportunity to feel like part of a group rather than a single, isolated person.  We never dwelled on the divorce situation - nor did I want to.  I had a divorce attorney and a counselor with whom I discussed it enough.  

 

My girlfriends and I still talk about the one snowy afternoon which we spent together at my house.  They were escaping from their kids who had been granted a snow holiday.  Each carried down a bottle of wine, which we drank, as we laughed, and danced;  stuck decorative balls from my cocktail table's centerpiece up our shirts and placed do-rags  on our heads....total abandon!      

 

I didn't "get over" my depression, but I learned to conquer apathy through self-will and self-talk.  I read daily affirmations every morning.  Well, actually, I didn't just read from one book - I had SEVEN!  Yeah, it was a pretty deep dark hole from which I needed to recover.  My books were Faith in The Valley, Finding Strength in Difficult Times, The Language of Letting Go, Journey to the Heart, A Time to Be Free, Simple Abundance ,and Until Today.  Eight years later,  these well-worn books are still on my nightstand.  

 

Through counseling, I learned that the very things I most resisted were the very things I needed to do in order to recover.  I learned to act "as if" in social situations.  When the negative self would say, "I don't feel like getting dressed to go out.  I'll just stay home." - the positive me refuted it by saying louder, "I am going to get dressed and go out.  I'm sure it will be fun, but if not, I can always come back home".  Don't ask me why, but it worked.  

 

Day by day, I became more comfortable being on my own.  As I learned to take care of me and trust myself, I found more joy and peace (what a beautiful word!).     

 

I especially loved one particular spot that I found in a local park during a walk.  I would lay down on the grass to relax surrounded by the beauty of spring, summer, and fall foliage.  Before I knew it, a year had passed and I was a more grounded, centered woman than I had ever been before.  I felt strong and empowered.  I felt comfortable being on my own.  I enjoyed coming and going - doing what I wanted, when I wanted to do it.  I learned to enjoy every other weekend as a vacation from duties rather than a separation from my children.    

Some Stories Don't Have A Clear Beginning, Middle, and End      

I came to realize that Life after divorce is not bad, it's just different.  Divorce forced me to change and make the best of a difficult situation.  None of us know what the future will bring, but I became open to the idea that it might even be better!  

 

Waves of depression and apathy still appear now and then, but I continue to use most of the methods I learned in 2000 to get out of the funk:

• Doing ordinary household chores slow-ly·        
• Taking a shower first thing in the morning.  (I work from home, so this is  very important.)·        
• Walking  20-30 minutes every day in a local park·        
• Kickboxing (great exercise for getting the anger out·        
• DANCING!  Release those endorphins!·      
• Journaling - do it long enough and undiscovered truths appear!·        
• Reading  books which make me laugh.  My favorite is the Sweet Potato Queen's Book of Love·        
• Watching  Comedy Central or a situation comedy.  Laughter is very important to recovery.  It brings the "happy pill" to our brains in the form of endorphins.   

In 2004, I started a social group for divorced and separated women, The Sassy Pink Peppers.  If the Peppers were around then, there would have been even more choices, such as: posting to the Message Board, contacting a member nearby, or going out with a group.    

Willpower is the key to success. Successful people strive no matter what they feel by applying their will to overcome apathy, doubt or fear.  ------Dan Millman, Author