how to make the oldest child understand what his dad is doing to his mom... even after 8mos of divorce

family counseling

I agree that you shouldn't involve the kids in what is going on between you both like going back to court and what not.  I have a 15 yr old son that's having a hard time dealing with our divorce but that's because his dad has a girlfriend (with kids) in his life and she's living with him and his dad keeps cancelling visitation.  I find myself holding my tongue because I really want to bash him in front of the kids due to the visitaiton issues I'm having, but I don't do that because I know I have to step back and let the boys see their dad for what he truly is.  They need to see it for themself.  And I agree if the dad is saying inappropriate things to the kids, then you need to let your son know that you're sorry he needs to do this, but this is a grown-up situation and your son shouldn't worry about this.  It's hard when you have kids involved especially older ones because usually one parent tends to confide in that kid and that shouldn't happen.  They are only young once and need to stay that way and enjoy their childhood, not be racked with worries that they don't need.  It's hard enough growing up and being a teenager let alone seeing your parents divorced and not getting along.  My boys are going thru that right now because we don't get along at all and I don't see that changing anytime soon either.  But I try to keep them out of it because they have enough to deal with on their own.  It's hard to step back and not say anything especially if your ex is saying lies to the attorney, but if you do go to court and he's saying a bunch of lies, he will eventually get caught up in those lies and it will come back to bite him in the butt!!

What exactly do you want him to understand? You have to do whatever you can to protect and preserve the relationship your son has with each of you. It is hard but I do not involve my children in any of the details of the divorce with the exception of their input on visitation. They rarely even know when I go to court. If your husband is saying inappropriate things to your son I would suggest that you say, "I'm sorry your father felt the need to share that with you." He will understand quite quickly what's going on and who's not playing fair. It took my fifteen year old about a year before she realized what was really happening, mind you I never bad mouth her father or speak ill of him or his family. Her feelings are based on her own experiences with his new life, girlfriend, her kids, etc...