so confused

Well I had it all planned out.  I contacted the lawyers again yesterday.  My mind was made up.  I had decided that I would not allow him to make me ever consider suicide again and that I would never let him push me to the limits of getting drunk again.  His birthday is at the end of this month, and I was hoping to have him served at that time.  I was to the point of being ready to move on (which after my last few posts you guys have told me to wait until AFTER the divorce).  But to be honest, we haven't even talked about divorce.  Other than when I bring it up that I would rather work on our marriage than to have a divorce, at which time he always "gets another call and has to go".  So we have never really discussed it.  I made this decision on my own.  I didn't want to be the one to do it, but I can't wait anymore for him to decide what "he wants to do".  I need to make decisions for me and my children and what is best for us.  So I was pleased with myself.  I had made the biggest decision of my life, and I was ready to move ahead with it.

Until he called last night.  I was expecting the usual 2 minute conversation to just check on kids and then be done with it.  But NOOOO.  He actually wanted to talk- to me.  We talked just like we were dating again.  We laughed, we shared good memories, we really talked.  He even let me talk about my feelings for awhile.  And I had told him about my drunken stuper the previous night and that his memory was what brought it on. And he just listened.  He didn't yell, call me names, or criticize me much.  ( I say much because what I did was indeed really stupid, so I expected to get yelled at about it).  But he never yelled.  We actually had a very pleasant conversation, and it lasted for an hour and a half!  Then before he hung up he paused for a second.  I don't know if he was wanting to hear me say "I love you", or if he was wanting to say it, but couldn't bring himself to it.   That's not something we say anymore and haven't in awhile.  The last time I said it to him, his reply was "uh huh".  So I stopped saying it.  I am just so confused!  I am pissed at everything he has put us through and the fact that he doesn't even seem to care.  But at other times I want him back so badly.  But I know it takes 2 to make it work, and he hasn't seemed to put forth ANY effort at all, so that is why I have made the decision to go ahead and file.    It feels like jumping out of a plane for the first time.  You know it's something that you want to do and the excitement of it changing your life forever, but at the same time, you still have the butterflies in your tummy that say don't do it.  I don't think I have ever met someone who on their first jump didn't say "hang on, I need another minute before I can do this".  And then those that do chicken out will always have that feeling of missing out on something fun and exciting and something that could have brought them happiness,  and end up staying "safely planted" but living with the "what ifs" for the rest of their lives.  So what would you do?  If I'm still having emotions for this idiot and actually do want my marriage to work out, do I give him more time?  I mean really, how much more time does he need?  For us to have been together for 10 years and after 2 months of seperation he still does not know what he wants?  Why should I put myself through waiting for him any longer?  And what about our extended families?  I really don't care what other people think about the person that I choose to spend the rest of my life with.  But- I do want that person to be able to be comfortable around my family and be able to go to family outtings with me.  With him, I could never do that again.  They all want to strangle him for ever leaving in the first place, and in Texas- you just don't mess with family.   So I am just looking for guidance here.  I really don't know if I should go ahead and jump and enjoy the adventure of doing it, or should I stay grounded, hope things work out, and then spend the rest of my life wandering if it was worth it.  Ok people, give me your thoughts :)