involving kids in divorce

It is VERY heart breaking. My kids father at his house tells them when their fighting to deal w it and does nothing. So this summer being w me they fight about everything!!! I have always told them how to try to ignore the other one if they are in each others face. I understand that syblings will fight, I was one once, BUT OMG over everything?
Then w all that they have no respect for me because again I'm the Bitch and they have been told they fon't have to listen to me. He has hurt a mother and childs relationship. My 11 yr old last night got mad because I got tired of hearing them fight so I went out side to take a break and my new Bo told them I just needed a time out. My 11 yr old told him she didn't care and got mad. That is the problem they Don't care. I have done everything I can to make their summer interesting but I WILL NOT bend over to kiss their little hinney because their dad has told them I owe them. I am still their mother and deserve all the respect in the world just like their dad.
The only advice I have for them is they will have kids and like my own mother said our own kids will be 3 x's worse. Their time is coming.
Im surprised that I have a tongue left from bitting it. But I will only put up with so much. I love my kids to death, but I also deserve the respect, I have been a DAMN good mother.
If it sounds like I'm a lttle fed up, Yes you can say that. I've put up w this for over 2 yrs. But I'm still the stronger person. He is going to make himself pay for being walking d%$k.

This really bothers me, (my stbx would say"what doesn't"?), but husbands buying their loyalty!  They're not going to be teenagers forever!  What happens when the money runs out.?  Mine also told me that I was boring for the lids to be with.  No kidding! I'm restricted in funds and travel and I'm boring!
My therapist advised me that playing the victim and not standing up to the girls when they emulate their father's methods of bullying isn't doing them any favours in terms of role models for the women they will be in the near future.  She's wise.

But then, mouse will note this one, my stbx has designated this therapist as a feminist and man-hater 'cause she tells us not to involve the kids.  I feel like I've been dropped into the middle of Shakespeare's Comedy of Errors.  I don't drink or smoke, but if he left any alcohol in the house maybe I'll check it out :-)

I would like to thank everyone for the advice . This has been going on for 2 1/2 years. There has been 6 cousilors, they didn't like 5 of them because they were on mom's side. I tried to go the cheaper way and go thru medeation, but he wanted a battle. I am now on attorney #3. He took kids out of house the first night and told them mom was tearing the family apart and I was out looking for them a new dad. He beat me to the paper work and the judge, "but I divorced him", in his eyes. OH YA he told kids all these lies, but heres the funny part. He told them he was Catholic and couldn't lie. I was a bitch, I was "F"-ed up and down by my son(18 at the time), told I would never see my grand kids ( which I have none yet). my kids are 21,15 and 11. Lets just say the "man" is staying to his words- that he was going to get custody of our kids and do everything in his power to hurt me.
I have done eveything in my power to make sure this is going to bite him in the ass, and it would be nobodys fault but HIS!!! And it is.
As far as him getting in volved in everything he has as I stated in the last info. He took them to Europe after school ( wasn't supose to) I am supose to have my girls until 27th of Aug by courts. well he has bought a ticket for 15 yr old to go home this Sunday, ( because she wants to spend time with friends and be bought  by dad) and I won't pay the % of the flt,  and he is telling me that I am thinking of nobody but myself. I guess. I just have to site back because I will not KISS ANYONES ASS!!! Not even my daughter. Some day she will realize she will always have friends, but she will only have 1 mom. I just have to wait until they become adults and have their own family to realize waht has been going on. Their dad is playing them and they don't even realize.

Hi Mouse-
Sounds like your stbx and mine may have been separated at birth.
My two teen daughters were fine with me until I found out he'd been confiding in them since last year- (imagine what that can do to them).  I filed and had him served.
After that I still didn't say anything bad about him, wanting them to continue to have a good relationship with their Dad.  We even went to counselling and drew up a parenting plan.

The kids started calling me on everything I did, made mean remarks, started sounding like him. Sending them to their rooms and taking away their ipods when they went over the line didn't work.  It got worse and worse.  Then they said they want to go live with him.

It breaks my heart, he's told them everything, legal, financial, embellished things and has lied about me.
I can't compete with European vacations, shopping on Rodeo Drive and such.
I bite my tongue, tell them I love them and wait til they're out to cry.
Have any suggestions on how this can be dealt with

It's definitely hard when you have kids going thru this.  My ex involves the kids in everything and gives my kids messages to send on to me, so he doesn't have to talk to me I guess.  He knows he's not supposed to do this, because before our divorce was final we had to go to a parenting class about this--glad it sunk in!!  He knows he's not supposed to be doing this because I even told him on several occasions not to go thru the kids to send me information about bills, visitation, etc...  They are too young and they don't need to deal with all this.  I have my youngest in counseling now because he's having anger issues--gee don't know why!!  But I've told him until I'm blue in the face and guess what--it doesn't help--because he doesn't care.  If he did care about what it does to them he wouldn't be doing it in the first place.  That's my opinion.  I know it's hard but try to rise above it and be the better person in the long run.  The kids are smart and will see his true side in the end.  They will see what he's really doing and realize for themselves.  I agree that the person doing the bad mouthing comes out last in the end.  So keep your head up things will get better - it just takes time and patience!!  Which I could use alot of right now!!  Good luck to you!!

I am sorry....I wish I could say that it will be over soon but as long as you have kids.....Gather info from anywhere you can get it showing how harmful it is...show it to him. I think you should talk to your lawyer to see if it can't be stopped. Make sure you are writing down how he is involving them and date it. I wish people would learn that it doesn't have to be as hard on the kids but it is our own doing......we should be trying to make it easy for them! It is not their fault..why make them suffer and pay for it????

My STBX did many of the same things. I got my kids into counseling, especially our teenage daughter. Their father insisted on going too because I was going with the kids and that was fine with me. We each had the opportunity to air things with the counselor first without kids and also fill out some questionnaires in regard to the children. The counselor talked about what should and shouldn't happen in regard to our children with both of us. Sometimes advice coming from someone they don't have history with is helpful.

Whatever you do take the high road, work hard to never stoop to his level. Be the best role model you can be for the children. Be patient, the parent who bad mouths the other parent, shares inappropriate information, etc... usually loses out in the end. Eventually the kids will figure things out and it will probably cause damage to his relationship with them.

I agree with jackson....show him some articles on the web or whatever that say how this affects the kids.  You probably just can't talk about it with him, but showing him real proof in a "nice" way might work to make him see what he is doing.

everything you read, every expert you talk to says this is a bad idea... does he know this? care? would it help if you showed him some articles?