problem with daughter

Trisha I've read this a few times debating on when to respond and what to say. I want to give loving words but seem to get caught up in my own daugther issues. My grandson has special needs. Cerebral palsy, seizures, microcephaly (even though I really don't see that)... He is 13 months and 13.7 lbs. He was in the hospital all week because he had bilateral pneumonia. I didn't find out until Thursday. He went in on Tuesday. Any illness, especially pneumonia can be fatal for him. My daughters boyfriend hates me. Her personality has changed 360 degrees. I have justifiable reasons for not wanting him in her life but know she has to figure that out on her own. It is hard to watch. 

I want my daughter back. I want to be a grammy for my grandson with her in the picture. Right now I am the babysitter in their eyes. Not just anyone can care for him. The nurse assigned to his case isn't even left alone with him for long periods of time. I at least care for him on weekends and/or when they go out of town. So far I am the only person capable and filled with so much love for him that I am allowed to watch him. If he didn't have the feeding tube, Cerebral Palsy, seizures, meds and every 2 hour feedings; I probably wouldn't be able to see him either. (unless of course she wakes up and leaves these people). I don't want to go into great detail of explanation with the drama and disgust for who my daughter is with. My daughter has made it clear she wants nothing to do with my impending divorce (and that's fine - this is my burden).
Just know I've been thinking for days how to respond to your post. I start crying and can't seem to write. I understand what you are saying and logically understand what spaz was saying. This is a pain of the heart, soul, and mind... I will attempt writing when I have a little more strength. I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you.

Trisha~
I have been reading all your posts, and I really in so many ways can relate to you. We were married 30 years, and you 33.I just want you to know you are truly an inspiraion to me in so many ways. zyou mske me feel as if I will really survive this whole mess, and I appreciate it....Thank You for "being you"!
Terri

Trish -

you know how in the animal kingdom there are some species that when they are weaned from mom - they are on their own and do not associate themselves as a child of that animal, but rather just a part of the pack?

Humans are animals - and some are hardwired that way...

She is her own person, and you can't expect her, just because she is your daughter, to handle things the way you would handle them. It isn't that she doesn't respect you, she just does not hold the same values in things as you do. That doesn't make her bad or wrong, just very different from you.

As far as the 6 year old, you have to let that drop - it is two toally different things. Kids as kids are fickle. My kids change their best friends on a monthly basis. She grew away from the girl she was a good friend with at one point - it happens. It isn't some early indicator of a social disorder.

I have an older sister, whenever I call her it goes to VM, I dont think I've actually HEARD her voice in a year...if I e-mail her, I might get a response in a week - and it took me 6 months to get her to send a photo of her three boys...does that means she doesn't love or care about me? Does it mean she is a narcissist? No, it just means she is a very busy person with her life - and I have to respect her choices.
There is only one person you can expect to count on in your life, and that is yourself - anyone else, even children born out of you, is a crapshoot.

spaz, I have certain rules in my life I try to live by. I don't push myself on other people. I don't stay where I am not wanted. I try to do no harm to other people.

I am not trying to hold my daughter to me. I just want some respect. I do show her respect. I have given up on expecting a caring relationship from her long ago before this divorce ever started. She used to ask advice. She's quit doing that and I no longer volunteer. I never gave advice; I would give suggestions. As in couldn't it work this way or could you do it that way. Never demanding.

All I want as a person is that she answer my phone calls within a reasonable time. Some of them I have needed answers to before a three week time frame. When someone doesn't return a phone call at all or a month later (family or not) it tells me they are totally turned off by me so why bother. That goes to my rules of not pushing myself on people and not being where I am not wanted.

I do not discuss my marital problems with my daughter and she does not ask. I don't call her a lot because I know how busy she is. I am just asking to have a little respect from her.
 
There is a deep seated problem with her that started long before my divorce. Yes, the divorce has escalated these problems.

This does not take care of the problem that I do not feel I can use her as a in case of emergency contact. If something were to happen to me and I was hospitalized they would not be able to get hold of her because she does not answer her phone for days at a time and screens her messages. If she doesn't recognize the number she doesn't answer the phone.

I just paid $500.00 to replace 5 light switches. Her handyman would have replaced everyone in the house for 200. She won't even ask him if he would come work at my house. I have a lot of that type of little work I need done. Like her little friend years ago I am being cut out of her life. No explanations, no reasons.

I was going to respond, I wasn't, I was going to, I wasn't....

I guess I hit the last petal on the daisy and it said respond so I am....

Trish, stop trying to find the faults of your husband in your child That is so unfair to her...

 

I 100% disagree with the idea of calling your daughter to "test" her - would you want games like that played with you? You don't test the people you love.

 

She is an adult child of divorce - keyword being CHILD.

 

It doesn't matter how old she is, or that she is married, or that she has a god job etc...she is still a victim in the divorce of her parents - and just like any child be they 3 or 23, each sibling will react diferently to a divorce situation.

If she feels the need to retract into her own world, you have to let her - she could very well be afraid of her life ending up in divorce, she may not want to be around it, you could conjur up her own thoughts of problems in her marriage...

bottom line is that she is always going to be your child, and like any child, the more you try to pull her close, the farther she is going to push away.

Leave her be, and let her come to you...she doesn't have narcissitic tendencies...she has a broken heart - not unlike you....

Trisha I had finally found the time to respond to this post, was almost done and I lost the darn thing. I'm so pissed.

Anyway, I was wondering if maybe your daughter doesn't like to come home to bad memories maybe? Some kids hate their childhood so much they don't ever want to go back. I know you had a hard life with the ex. Just a thought.
I think we all have that one selfish kid who only thinks of him/her self. My son is like that. Since we moved out the end of March I've been asking him to save. I've got rent and bill to pay here by myself now. You think he listened, no  he's been hanging out, going out and spending all his money because he deserves to have fun. He doesn't help around the house because he deserves to rest on his days off. Now I have to help him pay for school.

My girl is the total opposite. She helps me so much in the house and with my little one. She saves and doesn't ask for a dime. She says she'll never leave me. We'll see. I know I wont see my other one once he moves out.

I'm sorry you hurt over this Trisha. I know this hurts. I hope she realizes before its too late and you give up on her. You've been through so much already. This is just insult to injury. I hope thing get better. Enjoy your other daughter and grandkids. Take care.

I can see how the divorce might have made it worse, & I am very sorry that it did. She sounds like my brother, except my brother isn't work oriented, and yet, she sounds eerily like my sister, too. I see how money can be a factor in many family troubles & marriage problems (mine included, as my thoughts on money are more frugal than my STBX).

My brother is extremely intelligent & had many skills in football (enough so that his senior football team was featured on the back of "Team Cheerios" boxes in 1997) & it hurts so much that my children only see pictures of their uncle & he won't even acknowledge that they exist.

Most of his hatred comes from me "bragging" about buying my house. I offered to have him stay in my extra room & come to a couple of casinos for his 21st birthday instead of trying to go to Vegas like had wanted when he was younger. I was bragging about my house & how well I was doing, I guess. I was excited that I not only got my GED but I bought my house at the same time, & I wanted him to feel welcome in my home & in my life. He has hated me for a long time & I will never understand, no matter how many times I ask what I did wrong. Sure, I hung out with the wrong crowd & got into some trouble in high school, but as time wore on, it was nothing like the trouble he got into, nor did I get into sneaking my sister out of the house to party with me, like he did.

I think the main thing was that once I left, he had nobody to hide behind & my mom's focus went to him/my sister, so they couldn't get away with as much as when I was home. My family is so dysfunctional that I could write a novel, so I'm sorry I'm rambling here...

I feel for you, I really do, but some times lines need to be drawn & this is your time to draw the line. Don't "test" her like that, because if she does have NPD, it will only enrage her more if she finds out she was "used" like that.

I didn't speak to my mom for 4 years due to her ultimatum - my hub or her (controlling)

As far as your SIL: Next time they visit (if they do), ask him to explain what he is changing on your computer & why he feels it is better than what you have it set like. It's your computer & have every right to want the settings to stay the same (trust me I know this 1), though if you could find that common ground to communicate, he might not feel so offended (your daughter wouldn't feel so offended either). My STBX & FIL are both computer savvy & they tend to relate/speak to people much better when talking about computers. They enjoy spreading their knowledge & discussing "why" something they do might be better than what others might use. Speaking from my experience, sometimes my conversations end up changing their minds about some setting or other thing regarding computers. It's simply finding common ground & having him explain might make him feel like you care about what he thinks/feels more than "it's my computer" (not that you are that way, so please do not take it as I am trying to classify you as that). Don't mistake me by saying acting like a flake or dummy when it comes to computers, but just sit down & have him explain what & why. It's common ground & he may be more comfortable talking about it like that. My STBX has bothered 1 of my best friends by changing her screen saver to what HE liked every time he came over to work on her computer. I ended up telling him to not touch her settings because they were what SHE liked & she used it all the time, not us, even though she is "computer illiterate" (by her own admission). The screen saver he had made her dizzy & I explained that to him. He didn't like it & said it was stupid, but he didn't change it again. Then again, now I'm the only 1 that works on her computer (because of a huge blow up over me "nagging" him to fix her computer 2 months after he said he'd fix it), so it doesn't matter as much. I wouldn't change her settings without actually talking to her about it 1st but some don't think like that.

Thanks Aimless. that is the way I am leaning. I've had enough with her father's unknown manipulations the last 33 years. I don't need her stunts as much as I love her.

My therapist suggested I call and tell her I needed to talk to her it was very highly important. Call me as soon as possible. then if she does return my call tell her it was a test. If she says anything about it just tell her again it was a test.
I'm tempted; but I don't know.

I do know it has gotten worse since the divorce was final. At one time he was bringing home a huge hunk of money every month and now that is gone. It seems like when that left so did she. We would go out to eat and shop a little but I never handed out money. I remember the hard times.

My daughter was fine when I had thyroid surgery a year ago last March; but that was way before the divorce was final. Her sister was here to help take care of the horses and she came all the way to my house to check on me.

She was in the top 20 %  of her H S class. Yet she didn't apply for schloarships. I struggled at two jobs to pay her tuition until her father went overseas to work. We got her thru 4 years of college with no loans of any kind. She was glad of that. It meant she wouldn't have any bills when she got out of school. Like her father she is very work oriented.
Thanks for you advice. It confirms what I suspected .

Okay, maybe the 3rd time will be a charm! I've tried posting now 3 times and it never worked...

Basically, it is time to just let her go and watch her from afar. It is hard and it will hurt, but it will hurt less than extending the olive branch and having it taken from your hands only to be used to whack you across the head and heart.

This past March on my brother's birthday, I cried and cried and I wrote him a letter, and when I wanted to push "send", I just couldn't do it because I knew it would not be read and simply rejected by his own hate of my acomplishments in life as well as my downfalls. He hates me and hates his own nephew and niece because of me.

I finally knew I had to let go. I told myself that this was the last time I would cry because I was trying to be a loving sister, but all he could see was that I was trying to brag and prove that I am so much better than him (so not the case, but I think this is really how he sees it). He hates me because I was really not as horrible of a child/young adult as my mother tried to tell everyone I was. He hates me because he can no longer use me as the focus of other's attention so he can do whatever he wanted. He hates me because he can't acknowledge his downfalls on his own...I am not there to blame anymore. He hates me for many reasons, some of them very justified, but mostly not.

I actually did send him a message that said I was dying of cancer...he never read it and simply deleted it (I sent it on myspace, so I know if he read it or not). I was already dead to him.

Find someone in your community that would agree to be your emergency contact. Use your older daughter as an emergency contact as well (even if it isn't logistical).

Let go for now, no matter how hard it is. Write letters to her and keep them so if/when she wants a relationship, she can see that you never really abandoned her, but just let her go for now.

You've been through enough as it is and need a break for a while...

I wish I had some tried and true advice to offer, but I don't, so all I can do is relate my own story to you so you at least know that you are not alone.

My younger brother (1 year younger than me) stopped all contact with me while I was still in high school and living at home. When I moved to the city I am in now, he came to visit me once with my mother and younger sister and his girlfriend at the time, but since then, I have only seen him 2 times. Those times were when he was near my town for college football. He would not even accept my invitation to my wedding.

Of course for my wedding, the ONLY family I had show up was my father, step-mother, and 1 cousin (out of quite a few), so I don't totally hold that one over him. I invited him to my house for his 21st birthday so we could go gambling...nothing in response.

He stopped all communication with my mother as well. He is showing signs of NPD as well, only really being around my sister, who is DROP DEAD gorgeous and a socialite. He can barely take care of himself and wants others to cater to his needs. One of the reasons he stopped talking to my mom was because he was upset/hurt that she didn't have enough money to send him to college like his football buddies (we lived in a very high-class city, even though we didn't have money, where high school kids were driving brand new BMW's for their 16th birthdays). He had scholarships to MANY places due to his grades and football abilities, but he did not take advantage of them and then got upset/hurt that my mother could not take out loans or pay for him to go to school.

He has done some probably illegal things in regards to school loans because of it and still refuses to speak to my mother or I. I send pictures and cards every year and tell him about his nephew and niece that he doesn't even acknowledge. I have done that for 11 years - until this last March on his birthday. I still send my love through my sis, but I finally gave up with him. (next post)