Where there is smoke there is fire...

July 13th my wife approached me saying she was unhappy and she wanted us to go to counseling. We had some heated words and many discussions followed. That Thursday she said she did not want to go to counseling but I convinced her otherwise. Then as of this past Saturday, we had an understanding that we would go into counseling with an open mind and my wife would take into consideration whatever the counselor suggested and would give forth some degree of effort. If you read my story you'll notice that we have been together for 10 years (6 married). On that dreadful Sunday she said that she should have never gotten married, she was never in love, and can never come to love me the way a married couple should be in love. All the while I kept asking if there was someone else and she swore to me there was not. Long story short I confronted her with a few things and just last night she confessed that she is emotionally involved with someone at work. She said there has been nothing more then some kissing but never any sex. More importantly I guess - is the fact that there is a strong emotional bond between her and this guy (who is married with no kids). She told me that what she has found in him (the emotional bond) is what is missing in our marriage and more importantly - was never there at all nor will it ever be. How can this be true? How can we spend 10 years together, bring two beautiful children into the world, and there not have been anything at all? If you read my profile you will also learn how we met. It seems awfully similar to this in the context that we were both head over heels for each other at the beginning. She said she never felt that way. I cannot come to believe that nor can anyone who was close to our situation - even her siblings are blown away by these statements. I still want to go to counseling because I believe she is just so confused about us never having anything upon which we can go back to and build. I hope the counselor can pick us both apart to help us understand who we are and what we want. Then maybe the counselor can give use ways, suggestions, ideas, etc. that we can put into place and work at in order to see if a connection can be made. I don't know. She wants the divorce. I think that is where it's heading. But am I blind and/or stupid to think that somehow counseling can be a vehicle for us to use to either get our marriage back on track and/or help us start a new track - together. I wish I could make her wake up and see what she is walking away from for a euphoric feeling she has with this other guy. Wake up before it's too late.

by Flyfan11 24 Posts
Posted on 7/29/2008 11:55 AM

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Tags: affair

Answers for "Where there is smoke there is fire..." (7) (You must be logged in to answer)

BlueB - thanks! If you are still going to counseling and trying to make your marriage work I wish you the best. If you decided to move on - best of luck as well.

Mechele - thanks! I accept a lot of blame. I knew there were problems and just turned a blind eye and/or deaf ear towards them. I was just comfortable in this relationship. We never really argued to a point where we didn't speak to each other for days, etc. The arguments we had were resolved by that same night. As you said, I hope she will realize that after the "honeymoon" pereiod is over, which it will come, that she doesn't wake up and say "Oh Shit, I should have stayed and tried to work it out". I just wish that if something was missing she would have come to me and really given this counseling a chance in reagrds to us working it out or at least exploring the possibility.

Gorf - Thanks and best of luck to you! I really just don't buy this falling out of love crap or lost the "in" love feeling. I think it's an excuse. I think that all couples lose this "in" love feeling and simply need to work and understand how to communicate (not just by words) to each other to sustain the relationship.

by Flyfan11 24 Posts
Posted on 7/29/2008 1:09 PM

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Well, the most important thing for you is to be able to look yourself in the mirror and say "I did everything I could to save this marriage." As long as you can do that, you'll be in good shape if it doesn't work out.

Like I said, I do hope that things will work out for you. Hopefully, you will both find that spark that was lost through counseling. Good luck, I'm pulling for you!!!!

by BlueB 2982 Posts
Posted on 7/29/2008 12:57 PM

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I really hope the counseling works too, if nothing else, for the kids sake. I'm kinda with Blue though. My husband and I spent years in counseling. looking back at it; I don't think he (my husband) ever thought there was something wrong with the situation or him. Long story short, he continued to have affairs on me. Oh ya, counseling helped a bunch (NOT). She is not looking down the road 'long term'. She is just going through the 'hot' stage with this guy. Once he screws her (and he will), she will come back down to earth. It might be too late then. Best of luck.

by Mechele 74 Posts
Posted on 7/29/2008 12:54 PM

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I'm sorry for what is happening to you. I went throght the same thing. My STBX refused to go to consuling, she just wanted out. She said so no longer loved me and that was it. She to had someone else on the side. Same sad story! You can try to save it, but I think in the end that once you fall out of love with someone there is noway to get that back. I wish you luck and I hope you can make it work.

Gorf

by Gorf 162 Posts
Posted on 7/29/2008 12:53 PM

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I called the guy today to have a civil conversation. I asked that he sever all ties with my wife (aside from the act they have to do work activities) in hopes that he can clear his head and work on his marriage and my wife can clear her head and attempt to work on ours. He agreed and actually said the two decided to chill out about a month ago but has continued to talk about “yes we need to call it quits for now to sort this out but it’s too difficult to do.”

So my hope is simply this – that we go into counseling and the counselor helps her understand that there was in fact something and that something has in deed faded and is being replaced by this other guy. And if there was something there between the two of us then here’s what we can TRY do to revive it. I just hope that when the dust settles in these sessions that my wife is able to take into account what she has now and is not willing to toss it all away for a bunch of “what-ifs” and uncertainties. I want her to think about this in the light that once this initial feeling with this guy subsides, which it usually does, that she will be in the same position she is in now with me and at that point it will be too late.

by Flyfan11 24 Posts
Posted on 7/29/2008 12:51 PM

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BlueB - Not being a jerk. I fully understand the likelihood that this can/will end in divorce. I know you cannot force anyone to be in a relationship if they do not want to be there and thought they never should have been there in the first place. I also know our relationship has been flawed for YEARS whereas we just kind of had a buddy buddy relationship rather then the true emotional bond. So I am not totally taken by surprise by all of this. However...

I cannot believe there was never anything at the start. The way she has been acting is the same way she acted when we first got involved. So there was something there. She has only been emotionally involved with this guy for 3 months. How can she come to the realization in that short of time that this is what she is looking for and she can never have this with any other guy but him? All they really ever did was work together, have a few lunches, and carpool a few times a week. I’m not saying I don’t believe in love at first sight or anything but come on – three months.

I cannot believe she feels she should have turned down my proposal. I was there and saw the look in her eye, the excitement, the joy, the love. It was such a good time. People who know us and are aware of what is going on would say the same.

I cannot believe that she never felt "in" love with me. Again, just doing some soul searching. I feel that there was something there from both sides. However, at some point it fizzled out and we were left with just a friendship. The person I have come to know over the past 10 years would have said to me, “Listen, we have some deep rooted problems but lets go to counseling to see what can be done, if anything.” With this other guy in her heart I don’t think I’ll ever get that effort from her. I think the euphoria she has found with him is clouding her thinking and she’s brainwashed herself into thinking there never was, never will be mind set.

More to follow...

by Flyfan11 24 Posts
Posted on 7/29/2008 12:50 PM

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I feel your pain. My situation is similar...I too wonder if counseling will help. I'm going Aug. 13th with a sense of hope, but tempered by realistic expectations. I think that's the best I can recommend to you. If you have to drag her kicking and screaming to the counselor and she doesn't really want to be there, not to mention that she is in love with this other person and really wants to be with him, then I'm not sure that any amount of counseling is going to help you. If she doesn't want to put forth the effort to save the marriage, you can't do it by yourself.

She may come to the realization that the affair was a mistake, but when? And, more importantly, how long are you going to wait for her to figure that out? What are you going to do if she actually is happier with this other man and ends up spending the rest of her life with him instead of you?

Sorry, I'm not trying to be a jerk here. The point is that, if you really love her, you have to be able to love her enough to let her go. You can't force her to stay and you can't force her to see what you see in the relationship. It sucks, I know. I'm right there with you.

I truly hope that marriage counseling works for you two and that you will be able to save your marriage. But, if I were you, I would be making preparations for the divorce. Good luck!!!

by BlueB 2982 Posts
Posted on 7/29/2008 12:15 PM

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