What is the difference between a need and a want?

I learned from minoring in psychologists that there is only one thing that will have a lasting impact on your emotional health.  That is interpersonal relationships.  Your new house, your promotion, finishing your first marathon...  the most that stuff will buy you is about 6 months.  If you take a "professional" personality survey your answers will eventually go right back to where they were before.  But add an interpersonal relationship, a significant other, a close friend, a child, and your responses will reflect a genuine improvement.  (You have to allow for religion in here somewhere as well.  That also does it.  Some would say you're haveing an interpersonal relationship with God.  OK sure, that works for me.)

Now here's my problem.  The interpersonal relationship I needed was my wife.  And she's gone now.  After having tried to date a few times and finding no one else even close, I've decided to be content with being my own man for a while.  I would enjoy a relationship but I'm also rediscovering my own independance, together with things like weekends. 

Sure, I miss sex.  ...  A lot actually.  So what does that leave?  I'm looking for a "freind with benefits".  A lover with her own life.  A sex kitten.  Well gee, that just sounds like all 31 flavors of healthy now doesn't it?  Call it a want, call it a need, but call it off for now.  I have 3 small boys who definately NEED me right now.  Their confused (their mom has been exploring her own "needs" right in front of them), lost, and very hurt.  So daddy won't be springing any new surprises on them.  Given a choice between a woman to fill the gap, or my boys emotional health ... well that's what my daddy would have called a "no-brainer".

I thought I didnt want OR need a man in my life. I had a decent job, healthy, happy & well rounded children. I was happy with my life how I functioned and how I looked and then I made a fatefull phone call. Not long after that I realized I did WANT and NEED that person in my life.  I laughed harder & longer. I smiled more than usual. My kids thrived on the affection and attention they recieved as well.  Generally all was better all around.  All though now I regret certain things in that relationship. I do know I did what I was sapose to do and I remained there & faithfull at all times, ready when I was needed and wanted.  Too bad he didnt feel the same. He also turned to the wrong people and single friends.  Some day he may grow up and realize but I will take care of my own wants and needs. Yes I do want a man in my life and I do need love (emotional and physical)  What I have felt up to these last few months have made me a better person.  As I said, I laughed, smiled and enjoyed life so much more.  I love to watch my kids play but now there is a little spot if you look into their eyes..... the sparkle is no longer there. I want the sparkles and all that goes with it. I need that. It depends on who you are, If you NEED love, then you got love to offer.....If you Just want love...maybe you just want to fill a viod in your heart. If you want & need it who knows? Maybe you have a pure heart or maybe you are just screwed up.

I too believe that everyones wants and needs are different. But I tend to agree with your friend, that the basic needs of life are to food etc. We don't need to have someone in our life. We need to find ourselves and happiness and contentment there. Once that happens then we will be ready for a relationship that we want. We were not created to be alone. But we don't have to have someone to be whole.
To be in a relationship can fullfill some of our wants , such as companionship and physical things. But I don't think it is a need . Once in a relationship I think that there are things we become accustomed to , and we rely on that person to meet some of our human needs.
I am in a place where I don't need to be with someone. I told my boyfriend I don't need to be with you but I want to be with you. I am fully capable of taking care of things that many women say is a mans job. I can support myself and my family just fine etc. To have someone to talk to etc, is a human need but can be met with others rather than having to be in a relationship.
Not sure if I made my point clearly?

I forgot to mention that I now educate people on marriage at the college where I work. I make sure that people don't make the same mistakes as me. Marriage is a lot of hard work and both parties need to make things work. Divorce is so commonplace these days, and I think so many marriages can be saved if you throw selfish feelings away and invest that time into the relationship. Obviously, divorces are necessary for instances of abuse, and infidelity....but work workable things out people! I'm the poster child for losing a good marriage due to a phase and closed-mindedness. I'm here if anyone needs advice. I just found this site about a week ago, and finally posted. -JM

I think you need to be mature enough when you make a decision to marry. I divorced 2 years ago and I really regret the fact that I did so. I had a great wife, but I just was going through a phase in which I wanted my freedom. At the end of the drinking, friends, and all of the other things we "single" people do, I realized I made a big mistake. I gave up a life with a good person, and became very selfish. We never even had many issues. I mean we had some, but they were minor when I sit back and think about it now. When I was pondering leaving my wife at the time, I consulted my single friends who I think just wanted me back in the group. I wish now that I had I spoken to more "stable" people, and that someone would have slapped me across the head and talked me into making a smarter decision to give the effort to my wife. Now, finally getting to the subject of the difference between a need and a want. Look, marriage simply isn't for everyone. Some people like being single and want nothing to do with being in a meaningful relationship. I can definitely respect that. But most people desire a partner in life. If the situation is right, then both parties should give their all and obey their vows towards one another. I refused to budge in my situation, and had a one-track mind that I wanted freedom, and the hell with Debbie's feelings. I was so desperate that about 6 months after the divorce, I swallowed my pride and begged her to take me back. She of course was way too hurt to even talk to me, and she slammed the door in my face. Rightfully so. All humans need love and when someone loves you for you, it's the best high in the world. So no, you don't need to be married, but just make sure that if you are, do not make the same mistake as me. I'm still hurt, and know that I'll never find someone who really loved me as much as my wife. My selfish pride and momentarily desires ruined what could have been a lifetime of happiness. Instead I'm living each day in regret :(

Here are my thoughts on the issue.  I think couples jump into marriage too quickly, I know I did.  We are all so afraid to be alone.  First you have to be happy with yourself and know what you want out of life.  If you can't make yourself happy then how can you expect someone else to?? I think we all believe we "need" love, sex, companionship etc. because it's all you ever see, hear or talk about.  I believe it's more of a "want."

Trisha, why do you say that you are not going to have someone in your life? I ask you because I felt the same way a few months ago. I'm making changes now so I can at least try to find someone. I still have doubts sometimes but I simply must have hope that I will meet a very special lady some day. What will keep you from meeting that special man? Trisha, you deserve a good man so do what ever it takes to be ready for him when he comes around!

I would love to have someone in my life. But that's not going to happen. So I exsist and sometimes thrive. Yes, wants and needs are different for everyone. I don't need the farm I live on but I want it. It feeds a deep longing desire for a home and gives me a sense of permanence.

Of course we can survive and maybe thrive alone. But who wants to be alone. There comes a time when that freedom and free time becomes sad and depressing. The ultimate life would be to have your basic wants and you true desires all at the same time. Thats Happiness.

funny you wrote about this....my boyfriend and I were having this conversation just the other day.  we were talking about needs and wants and it did make me think.  at times it is hard to know the difference, but I do agree at a basic level there is one.  i thought love was a need too...that i needed him to be with me, but i guess if you look at it like do i need him to survive.....of course not.  we can survive even if alone, but no i would NOT be happy in the least.  i really want someone in my life and i do get blurred when I think that i need them too.  this is a great topic for conversation.  i guess when someone is not in our lives it makes us feel like we NEED someone to be there even more.

I hear you there...I wouldn't settle for just an existence either!

and I don't just want to exhist BlueB. I've been doing that for way too many years!

Psych 101...human beings are social creatures, and while your friend is correct in that you don't need a relationship to exist like you do food, water, shelter, protection from the elements, we do need relationships to maintain our PSYCHOLOGICAL health and well being.

You are so welcome RichBrewer!  Have a good night....I am off to bed now....look forward to reading more of your post.....talk to ya tomorrow :-)

That makes a lot of sense SKelly. Everyone's needs are different and change depending on the circumstances around them.
Thank you for the kind words!

I see your point as well as hers....however, I do believe that everyone's needs and wants are different....for you loving a woman is a "need" for someone else it could just be a "want"....to me those that "need" love in their life must have an awful lot to give also....I have been reading alot of your post and you seem so sweet, honest and sincere....and you deserve not only want you want but also what you long for and need as well.....