This is another Retrouvaille exercise that I wrote to my husband.  The question was:  What were my strongest feelings during our time of trouble.   You might try it as well.   

During our first time of trouble, when you told me that you were in love with someone else and you were leaving me, at first I was stunned beyond belief.  I felt as if you’d punched me in the gut.  I ached all over and wanted to die.  I didn’t care at that moment about our daughter, about life, or about anything but the excruciating pain I was in.  

I felt spaced out, as if I was living in another reality.  My nerves were so jangled that I couldn’t even listen to music in the car—it was like chalk on a blackboard.  I relived all the pain I’d ever experienced—even my mom’s death.  It was like a loss of innocence.  Life would never be the same again.  I was in such agony that I felt it would kill me.  I never got angry with you though—I felt that I should feel this way—that somehow it was familiar—it was my lot in life.  I had no right to a pain-free existence.  I was sure I had driven you away and I had an intense drive to win you back.  That desire overrode the pain.   I felt that if I could win you back I wouldn’t have to feel this way anymore.  If I could just give you what you wanted—what SHE gave you; things would go back to normal.  Or better.  And you know what happened from there.

The second time I found you were still seeing her I felt the same pain but it was mixed with rage.   I felt hurt, betrayed, incredibly angry that you would do this again.  I wanted and wished to get away, to be alone, to lick my wounds and felt incredibly trapped in a marriage I was no longer desperate to save.  I felt like I wanted out—like a cornered animal that couldn’t get away.  I was also terrified.  I had a total fear of being alone, being a single mom, fear of hurting our daughter.  I didn’t want her to suffer.  I also felt vengeful—I wanted you to suffer for what you did to me and her.  I felt hate for you—utter hatred.  Of course I felt betrayed but I also felt contempt for you.  The respect and admiration I once had was gone.  I also felt enormously confused—not knowing what to do—whether or not to throw you out