What to do about her lover's email

so, the synopsis of my story is that about a month ago I caught my wife having an affair. She stopped it immediately, and we have both been going to counselling. She is living with her parents nearby while we figure everything out. We are communicating frequently and aren't in a hostile situation.

Here's my question:

Part of this affair involved the two of them communicating via email. An email account was setup specifically for this purpose. They would essentially write each other from this account, and send it to this account (all messages were essentially stored within this one account). They shared the login and would read the email that the other person wrote. Upon learning this, I wanted to have the account terminated, and my wife didn't have a problem with that at all. We sat down to close the account and it turns out that the other party must have changed the password, prolly cuz he doesn't want his wife to find out. (shoulda saw that coming)

I believe that the account is still active (I sent an email to it from an anonymous email addy, and it didn't bounce back).

Am I being paranoid or unreasonable worrying about this?

I am not sure why this bothers me so much, I think that in part becuase he has access to memories of he and my wife that I want destroyed? Perhaps I am somewhat afraid of where these emails might be used in the future? I am not sure.

One thing that I have thought about is simply confronting the guy (which I haven't done yet) and tell him to either give me the password so I can close the account (I can't trust him to do it) or else I tell his wife everything I know. I'd be interested to hear some thoughts on this - with everything else going on, it shouldn't bother me as much as some of the other stuff, but it does.

by HurtingDad 22 Posts
Posted on 7/13/2008 1:32 AM

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Tags: email , affair , cheating ,

Answers for "What to do about her lover's email" (6) (You must be logged in to answer)

one thing you may be able to do is.... some email accounts ask for an alternate email address. If it was one regestered with an alternate account and if your wife used hers or another account she has access to. All you have to do is try to sign in and click password. They will send a temporary password to the alt. acct and after you sign in you change that password again and you can delete from there.
I can sympathize with the thoughts of someone else having memories of your spouse. Good luck!

by Branny 838 Posts
Posted on 3/11/2009 11:51 PM

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They really ought to have a class on how to deal with all this stuff. These people have boundary issues big time. It's like people who have eating disorders. They go by a chocolate cake and they can't keep their hands off it. Alot of them are NPD. Narcisstic Personality Disorder. My ex was really bad. He broke up 2 homes, had kids by these guys wives, his mother was like this and they encouraged him to cheat. He lost everything. The last guy went after him with his lawyer. I think cheaters are like this. Compulsive behavior. Don't leave any chocolate cake out for them to steal.

by Doots 73 Posts
Posted on 3/11/2009 11:43 PM

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Hey man, I read this and can really relate. I found an email account opened recently by my wife for the sole purpose of communicating with her lover, more than two months after she promised and swore it was over. I'm clever, so I figured out the password over time.

One thing to consider in your case is this email account may be empty. All contents may have been deleted for all you know. I bet the emails are long gone, like they are in my wife's secret account.

You can always subpoena the email records through your attorney depending on the laws in your state.

But you know, you have to get to a place where you can deal with what's really going on here. If she's still keeping the relationship alive, you don't want to be with her any more. Keep saying that to yourself and it will sink in. If she's keeping emails and memories alive, you can bet the reason is not to make you feel good or strengthen your relationship with her.

God bless my friend. Playing Magnum PI will drive you nuts, so try to avoid it.

by 2CoolDaughters 246 Posts
Posted on 7/15/2008 9:21 AM

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I figured I was writing what you already knew...I just put down in writing what your little voice was saying because you couldn't hear it through the confusion in your head =)

confusion is like acid metal head banging music on steroids...and you are sitting on the base speaker...

by spaznskitz 7745 Posts
Posted on 7/13/2008 2:12 AM

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Thanks Spaz - your right (of course). Just writing that post helped quite a bit. It's the insanity of the situation that makes me second guess myself at every twist and turn. One minute I want to fly off the handle and do things that don't make any rational sense, and the next I am as calm as can be.

by HurtingDad 22 Posts
Posted on 7/13/2008 2:01 AM

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You have to let this go.

It is not your account to close and you do not have the right to force your will on someone else, even if this man invaded your marriage. It's his account to do with what he pleases, and if it means "holding onto memories" so be it...

blackmailing him just puts you down at his level.

You need to deal with your house, and things in your control - the e-mail account isn't in your control, and his marriage, is not in your home.

by spaznskitz 7745 Posts
Posted on 7/13/2008 1:53 AM

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