Ex Won't Talk to Me and We have a Son to Raise

I've dealt with this kind of thing for a long time, and I got the impression that the medical issues were relatively minor, possibly a bad cold and antibiotics were needed - normally if there is a major ongoing medical condition with a child, when there is a post that is one of the first things said - if I'm wrong please correct me.

If there is a major medical issue that needs attention - then you have the pediatrician write (and mail) a letter to him regarding the child's care...

but if it was just a cold...well, you know....

I guess what I want you to try to understand is that the two of you had communication issues in your marriage, if you didn't you probably wouldn't be divorced, then you went through an obvious bitter divorce, that is going to make communication worse, not better - and just because there is a child involved, doesn't mean magic pixie dust gets sprinkled and the two of you will come together in harmony "for the child". (note I was being humorous - not sarcastic) You also will get less communication from him if he wanted more time with the child, and didn't get it, as that will be perceived as your fault.

Something to consider, instead of getting upset that you are picking up a wet kid, wear some clothes you don't mind getting a bit messed up and horse around with the hose for a few minutes with him before you leave...appreciate the fact he had fun at dad's, even if you have to stop at McDonalds on the way home because he played so hard he's starving. In other words - lighten up. =)

I guess I am missing the boat on this one. I can certainly see how you might of been "controlling" in the first post. But sounds like you might be concerned on how your son's well being is. Is there a reason for you to believe that your son might not be taken care of by your ex in a healthy fashion?

Is there a reason why you leave your phone on? If you are in a profession that you need to have it on (doctor, police, drug dealer - just a joke), maybe your phone has some way to block his texts or phone calls.

By the way, I don't think the letter will do. Sounds like he will just throw that away.

Understand I'm not trying to be hard on you either - I realize you are frustrated and your child is your "baby"....but there is a point when you can become TOO over protective...and you are bordering on mother hen syndrome...

he isn't you - he will never parent like you do...it doesn't mean he doesn't love his son, nor is he not protective of him...he just has a much more carefree style of parenting as oppposed to you being a mother hen....

the sooner you accept who he is the better off you will be, and in turn, he will start warming up to you - you are putting off all sorts of negative vibes to him...you won't get anywhere with that...

I can certainly see how this can be frustrating for the sake of your son. I guess I have a few questions for you. How long have you been divorced? And was this divorce an "ugly" divorce? Or did something happen since you have been divorced that has him acting like this? Was he very involved with your son when you were married?

Sounds like you might need more than baby wipes and a towel.

ok, look - cold hard fact - you are trying to micromanage his parenting....stop it.

peels down the street - two boys goofing off - its not exactly smart, but you can't do anything about it.

profanity - he can say what he wants when he wants, you can't do anything about it.

stands outside - c'mon, you are nitpicking here - stop picking everything apart that he does. Did he have the kid in a coat? maybe he was only out for a minute...he doesn't have to let you in his home.

text messages - there is this thing called an off button on your cell...that is what you can do about that. That is what a judge would tell you as well if you tried to call it harassment.

dr. appointments - I have five kids, my husband is a doctor (surgeon) himself and he doesn't go to the appointments with the pediatrician - if the child has to go to the dr. on his time, then he will take him, otherwise - he figures you have it covered - it is not a big deal. Did he go to the pediatrician when you were married and the chld was an infant? I highly doubt it -why should he now? You are the primary care giver for a reason.

talking to you - again he doesn't have to. He isn't ready to be civil with you, stop trying to force it. If the child has medication, how to use it is on the label, You can let him know it is in his bag & the last time you gave it was x, but here is the other thing, he also doesn't have to give the child medication if he doesn't want to unless it is for an ongoing medical issue - but stuff for colds/allergies, he doesn't.

If you want to write things down, then by all means do it - but do not tell him HOW to do things, just tell him what, in the most basic form needs to be done - that's it.

You are expecting too much out of him, and your whole divorced/co-parenting situation. For your own blood pressures sake - you have got to settle down and stop demanding he be perfect. It will never happen.

Thank you for giving me a different perspective on the actions when I go to pick up our son and reiterating that I should keep doing what I've been doing ... be prepared with wipes.  If it were just these actions, I could deal with it. 

He has come to pick up our son and peels down the street with our son in the vehicle, has inappropriate conversations with profanity in the driveway in front of the neighbors and our son, stands outside in the cold snow with our sick child waiting for me to come pick him up (and I'm on time), sends text messages to me in the middle of the night and early in the morning which to me is harassing, hasn't come to a single doctor's appointment for our son and doesn't even ask about it when it's over, and every time I try to talk to him about our son (what he did today, health challenges, medication he needs to take, etc) he walks away and doesn't listen.  

I've thought about communicating by letter, but I'm not sure that would work.  Any suggestions on how to improve the important pieces of communication, like medical challenges and medication for our son's sake?

two words - you can't.

you are divorced, he does not have to talk to you. Just because you have a child together doesn't change that.

He has a right to parent however he wants to on his time - and if that is soaked fun with the hose and sticky suckers - well, that's just his way...and if you try to control it, it will just get worse. Him having fun with his son really has nothing to do with you.

 

He cares about his son - he doesn't care about you, he doesn't care how you feel, or what you want - and he doesn't have to. He does not have to show you courtesy.

 

That is something you will have to come to terms with.

 

You can not control his parenting - you can not tell him what type of "example" he is supposed to be.

He does not want to "share" with you - at least for now - there is still a lot of anger over the divorce - you have to let that pass. Did he call you controlling in your relationship while you were married? Because that is what you are doing now - trying to control his actions, feelings and communication. You won't get anywhere.

 

This is life after divorce for many parents....when you go to pick him up, I suggest you bring baby wipes and a towel =)